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Losing my dad because of lung cancer

Laurav123
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Hey everyone,

 I just wanted to share this so I would know that I'm not alone and so you guys would maybe also feel like you're not alone if you've ever lost someone to cancer. My dad got diagnosed with single cell lung cancer last year, and he got given a year to live with chemo and half a year without chemo. He chose the chemo option. I did not know that he got given a time limit because no one told me. I knew his cancer wasn't curable but I thought he might live for 5 years or 10 (because I was naive and just wishing for the best). It started out with just back pain, then severe back pain, then nearly loosing all feeling in both legs (because of chemo) then loosing all feelings in both legs. Then him only being able to lay on one side or else he couldn't breath. Then it got way worse very quickly and that's when I realized he didn't have long left, and I cant imagine what he must've been thinking because I know he knew himself that he didn't have long left. He also knew that the year was coming up to end. He started hallucinating, and having trouble breathing and he never ate or drank anything, he would constantly ask for pain killers and would even cry if we told him we can't give him anymore because he had way too much already. I'm only 17 years old and he was 46. He was so young still. On the last day, I knew it was going to be his final day because he started eating, and wasn't asking for anymore medicine. He was quiet at night but I didn't want to check up on him because everyone was sleeping and I didn't want to be the one to find him dead. I feel so guilty because maybe I could've done something if I saw that he was really dying. My mum woke me up a couple of hours after I went to sleep and told me that he did die. I will never forgive myself for not checking up on him that night or for not spending as much time as I could've (and trust me, I could've but I was always out with friends.) Only after he died, I found out that he and my sister knew that he only had a year to live but my dad didn't tell me and my sister didn't mention it because she thought dad told me. I miss him so much and I feel so bad for all those times I could've went to his house and talked to him. I haven't lived with him for 4 years because my dad and mum separated when I turned 13, so me and him weren't greatly close so it was kind of awkward every time I went to his house because we wouldn't really have anything to talk about but God I miss him and I would do anything to just sit and drink coffee with him. I love my dad. I'm.turning 18 soon and I cant believe he's not going to see me grow up or see my future kids and my future family. I wish we had more time so he would die knowing I love him so much. I was his only daughter (my sister isn't my dad's daughter) but I definately made him upset when he knew he only had a year to live but I stopped coming around to his house because I wanted to go out with friends. I regret it so bad. I wish I could see him one more time

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    Hello Laurav123 and a big welcome to Cancer Chat, 

    Thank you for coming here and sharing your moving story. You are absolutely right when you say that sharing your experience will help you feel that you are not alone and others reading you will also feel that they have someone to talk to who can really understand. 

    It's really sad what happened to your dad at such a young age. You are so young yourself and this has been such a traumatic experience for you. This is a time when you will be overwhelmed by all sorts of emotions, when you will find yourself travelling back in time and trying to see if you could have done things differently but the truth is you have done absolutely nothing wrong at all and you didn't even know your dad had only a year to live so please don't feel bad for going out with your friends as any young person your age would do this too. All these feelings  you describe  are part of the grieving process including feelings of guilt - It is important to know that feeling guilty is very common when you are grieving and try not to dwell on it. Our website has a very useful page on coping with grief which I hope will help you understand the complexity of the grieving process. 

    I am so sorry for your loss and I hope that you will find a little comfort in having joined this forum and in meeting others here who have also lost a parent or a loved one and who understand what you are going through at the moment. We are here for you anytime you need to reach out and I wanted you to know that you are not alone. 

    You've been through a lot at such a young age and if you feel it all gets a bit much for you, don't hesitate to talk to your GP about how you are feeling as I am sure they will have some good advice for you to help you feel a little better during this difficult time. 

    Best wishes, 

    Lucie, Cancer Chat Moderator

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    Hello Laurav123, I'm so sorry to hear about your Dad.  My husband died this year from Lung cancer and although my daughters who are in their mid forties knew what was happening they were still in denial and the younger one left at 8pm to go home, her Dad died whilst she was travelling to her house, twenty minutes later.  Please don't feel guilty, you are young and were separated from your Dad, I know how hard that is as my Dad left when I was your age and I chose to do my own thing rather than spend time with him.  We are all different and all very human, we don't know what will happen, we can't control it and he was probably happy that you didn't see him die, my elder daughter saw her Dad die and she still sees his last breath.  You will find that many people who are dying wait until they are alone to die because they want loved ones to not see them when it happens.  Time does heal, you will never forget him but try and remember the good times, not the bad.  Take care, sending hugs your way.  Carol x 

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