Hey everyone,

 I just wanted to share this so I would know that I'm not alone and so you guys would maybe also feel like you're not alone if you've ever lost someone to cancer. My dad got diagnosed with single cell lung cancer last year, and he got given a year to live with chemo and half a year without chemo. He chose the chemo option. I did not know that he got given a time limit because no one told me. I knew his cancer wasn't curable but I thought he might live for 5 years or 10 (because I was naive and just wishing for the best). It started out with just back pain, then severe back pain, then nearly loosing all feeling in both legs (because of chemo) then loosing all feelings in both legs. Then him only being able to lay on one side or else he couldn't breath. Then it got way worse very quickly and that's when I realized he didn't have long left, and I cant imagine what he must've been thinking because I know he knew himself that he didn't have long left. He also knew that the year was coming up to end. He started hallucinating, and having trouble breathing and he never ate or drank anything, he would constantly ask for pain killers and would even cry if we told him we can't give him anymore because he had way too much already. I'm only 17 years old and he was 46. He was so young still. On the last day, I knew it was going to be his final day because he started eating, and wasn't asking for anymore medicine. He was quiet at night but I didn't want to check up on him because everyone was sleeping and I didn't want to be the one to find him dead. I feel so guilty because maybe I could've done something if I saw that he was really dying. My mum woke me up a couple of hours after I went to sleep and told me that he did die. I will never forgive myself for not checking up on him that night or for not spending as much time as I could've (and trust me, I could've but I was always out with friends.) Only after he died, I found out that he and my sister knew that he only had a year to live but my dad didn't tell me and my sister didn't mention it because she thought dad told me. I miss him so much and I feel so bad for all those times I could've went to his house and talked to him. I haven't lived with him for 4 years because my dad and mum separated when I turned 13, so me and him weren't greatly close so it was kind of awkward every time I went to his house because we wouldn't really have anything to talk about but God I miss him and I would do anything to just sit and drink coffee with him. I love my dad. I'm.turning 18 soon and I cant believe he's not going to see me grow up or see my future kids and my future family. I wish we had more time so he would die knowing I love him so much. I was his only daughter (my sister isn't my dad's daughter) but I definately made him upset when he knew he only had a year to live but I stopped coming around to his house because I wanted to go out with friends. I regret it so bad. I wish I could see him one more time