Lost my mum after a difficult relationship, angry Husband

Where to start. I always had a difficult relationship with Mum. I always loved her and she always loved me but she could be very controlling which resulted in our relationship breaking down about 6 years ago. The result was no contact with any of my family, including my Sister and Dad. I had learnt to live with it for a few years and had happily reconnected with my sister for about a year. sadly Mum died very suddenly from Cancer, secondaries were found in her liver and due to complications she deteriorated and passed away in the space of a few weeks. I didn't get to say goodbye but my father reached out and we went to see her at the chapel of rest with my sister. My poor father is broken, they were soul mates for 52 years and I want to be there to help him and he wants the same....

At this point I would really like some advice..my Husband and mother never got along. They hadn't spoken for years. My father didn't feel it appropriate for him to attend the funeral so I went with out him. My Husband is furious, he said I should have put him first as he's my Husband, I got back the day of the funeral, after dropping my broken father home and he had packed a bag, said he was going (he didn't in the end, he came back) had a complete shouting meltdown and was questioning why he couldn't go etc etc. I just broke down crying and he had no sympathy for me at all, he just raged. We haven't spoken since and are sleeping in separate rooms. My heart was broken and he just sucker punched me (not literally) when I was down. I feel so lost. 
Was I wrong? I just didn't have any good options here. I'd really appreciate a neutral point of view. I'm trying grieve, help my Dad and my marriage is falling apart. It feels too much. Thanks for sticking with it if you're still reading. 
 

  • Hi it feels strange that your husband and mother didn't get on yet he wanted to be at Chapel. Remember your mother and father are blood relative im hoping nothing else is going on with your marriage which gave him an excuse to think of moving out. You were not wrong to go to see your  MOTHER'.it seems to me he's trying to control you and mad when it didn't work. 

    Hope you can work things out. 

    Billy 

  • Hi Billy, 

    thanks so much for the reply. You've hit the nail on the head with the control. He has form in that area and an unpleasant temper at times. I'm just dumbfounded that he would behave like this under these circumstances. He was all support until he found out about the funeral. Maybe my Mum has given me the gift of sight. 
     

    thanks again Billy x

  • Hope you can get your future life sorted soon with or without him, remember you are entitled to do what you want when you like, there has to be give and take from both sides of a marriage. Hope you can get a really good future and a long life. 

    Billy 

    Me and my darling Brenda have had very few problems plenty of give and take and sorting things out together. Even with my palative care for cancer and my Brenda's dementia we've been together over 50 years. 

     

  • Thank you again, i really appreciate you taking the time. 

  • Would you mind, Please let us know how things go, other people on here have a similar problems and not sure wether there own fault (mostly not),just being controlled. 

    Billy 

  • I don't see that you've done anything wrong ,I doubt he genuinely wanted to attend and on the other hand why should he be allowed ,I certainly wouldn't want anyone at my funeral who had not bothered with me whilst alive and had disrespected me in fact I've already got some in mind who I wouldn't want to attend ,its already been said its about control he couldn't control the situation and the how dare you disobey senario he sounds furious ,but I believe you did the right thing for your mam dad and sister you should have no regrets and hopefully it teaches him a big lesson about disrespecting his inlaws your mam and dad ,he shouldn't have acted like a baby ,strange this is the second one like this I've read in the last few days ,these controlling men can be so nasty don't allow it ,I really hope your dad and sister become very close and dear to you that's family ,if he doesn't change kick him to the kerb x

     

  • Thanks so much for your message. It really helps to hav another point of view. Sometimes I feel like I'm going stir crazy. I am so glad I was there for my dad and my sister, If I'd refused to go because of my husband I would have been so distressing for my Dad, he's lost the love of his life and I feel he needs to come first for a minute. My husband just can't understand, he suggested that my dad has clicked his fingers and I've gone running, which is most definitely not the case. I want to be there and I feel I should be given the space to do that at the moment. Sometime you know deep down what's right but you keep getting told it's wrong and you doubt yourself. Xx