I lost my mother 10 months ago. She was diagnosed with a type of blood cancer in 1990 so I was brought up with the fear of losing her since I was 7!

I feel guilty for not being next to her the night she passed away. I have two brothers but I'd always been the one looking after her the countless times she went into hospital for treatment. But I was not there the most important one, the last one. I feel I failed her and that she needed me to be there because of our very special bond instead of only one of my brothers who was there. From the 3 weeks she was in hospital I looked after her for 10 days and then asked my brothers to take over. By that last week I was feeling exhausted, could not eat, sleep and would take tranquillisers to manage my anxiety. It was extremely painful seeing her leaving. I feel guilty for not being able to last for a bloody week, guilty for not being strong enough.

I feel guilty for the wrong things I whispered to her ear two days before she died when she could not speak and would only groan, looking helpless and totally terrified. I did not tell her how much I loved her or something to calm her down but to let go, stop fighting and that it'd be ok. I keep having flashbacks and cannot get her out of my mind. 

10 months later I still feel empty and so so so guilty for not holding her hand while she was leaving and saying all the wrong things to her. I'm seeing a therapist who tries to remind me of all the times I've been there for her in the past but that does not make me feel any better.