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Guilt does not go away after losing my mother

Betty52
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I lost my mother 10 months ago. She was diagnosed with a type of blood cancer in 1990 so I was brought up with the fear of losing her since I was 7!

I feel guilty for not being next to her the night she passed away. I have two brothers but I'd always been the one looking after her the countless times she went into hospital for treatment. But I was not there the most important one, the last one. I feel I failed her and that she needed me to be there because of our very special bond instead of only one of my brothers who was there. From the 3 weeks she was in hospital I looked after her for 10 days and then asked my brothers to take over. By that last week I was feeling exhausted, could not eat, sleep and would take tranquillisers to manage my anxiety. It was extremely painful seeing her leaving. I feel guilty for not being able to last for a bloody week, guilty for not being strong enough.

I feel guilty for the wrong things I whispered to her ear two days before she died when she could not speak and would only groan, looking helpless and totally terrified. I did not tell her how much I loved her or something to calm her down but to let go, stop fighting and that it'd be ok. I keep having flashbacks and cannot get her out of my mind. 

10 months later I still feel empty and so so so guilty for not holding her hand while she was leaving and saying all the wrong things to her. I'm seeing a therapist who tries to remind me of all the times I've been there for her in the past but that does not make me feel any better.

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    Hello Papopa,

    I don't know much about anything but I DO know you have no need to feel guilty. You were always there to care for your dear mum. She would have of course known that. 
    So you were 'human' and became exhausted. That happens to us all when we push and push ourselves in a caring role. 
    Please stop blaming yourself and holding onto feelings of guilt. You have done nothing wrong. You were a good loving daughter. Not being with her at the time she died doesn't in anyway way alter the fact that you loved her  and cared for her. Hold onto that truth because it's important. I wish you well at this very sad and difficult time x x 
     

  • Offline in reply to kebb

    Thank you Kebb. Being heard means a lot to me just now. I hope this feeling of guilt will go away at some point and happy memories will start to come back as the only ones I have right now are from her last week. You take care too and thanks a lot for your kind words 

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    You don't need to feel guilty! You did absolutely everything you could.

    I don't think you said the wrong things to her at all. I said the same to my mother when she passed away in December. I think in whispering to her to let go you were actually being selfless and in a way carrying out the ultimate act of love - letting someone else go even when it hurts you so much because you want what's best for them / for their pain and suffering to stop! I found telling my Mum 'it's ok to go' one of the hardest things to say because it meant I was letting her go and loosing her... But it was right to say because I didn't want her to be 'worrying' about leaving us. 

    I don't think you said the wrong things at all. I think you were so selfless and compassionate. Your Mum knew how much you loved her without you whispering it at that particular time. You cared for her when she needed you the most. Just because you weren't with her when she died doesn't mean she didn't know that. My Mum passed away when I went to get something to eat. I try and think of it as she felt that was the right time to let go rather than being upset with myself for not being there. Don't be hard on yourself. You can tell you are such a lovely caring person and your Mum would be so proud of you x

  • Offline in reply to Sarsar32

    Hi Sarsar32

    Thank you so much for taking the time to respond and I am so sorry for your loss...  It really helps listening to another person's perspective.

    You wrote that you said similar things to your mother and that she passed away the moment you went to get something to eat. I've heard that before, it's like they've been trying to hold on for their loved ones and the minute you leave to get a shower it happens. When I read all of that, your story, I did not see anything wrong there or any reason for you to feel guilty. It's exactly what you said, being selfless and wanting your loved one to stop suffering without needing to say I love you cause you've probably said it countless times in the past and showed it with your care and affection. But it's probably something I need to work on, I think I would feel guilty no matter what, for things I didn't say or said, things I didn't do or did... I find new reasons every day to blame myself but that's something I've always been doing in my relationship with my mother. She fell ill when I was 7 and I used to express my fear and pain with anger towards her. Then I would start crying and apologise for being so cruel. What I miss the most is that now she's not here with that sweet smile to say there's nothing to forgive, I did nothing wrong and cuddle in her arms... 

    Thank you so much again, your message meant a lot to me maybe because of these similarities xx

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