Cancer Research UK main site

I lost my mum and my whole family fell apart

RSxo
Offline

Hi guys,

I've posted on here several times before, my mum passed away from a shock diagnosis of bowel cancer in March 2021. 
Since then life just hasn't been the same. 
The behaviour of my siblings has deteriorated drastically, as they have no-one to tell them off. It's gone from bad to worse, and I don't ever see it getting better.                                        Me ( female 28) and my brother (male 25) recently got into an argument, which ended in him physically attacking me. I don't really see a way forward after this. He has alot of anger in him from losing my mum, but at the same time that shouldn't be an excuse. 
I can't believe my life has come to this. Literally three years ago, I had my mum and my life was perfect. I can't believe it's fallen apart so much. I can't believe my family is like this now.

I'm scared to open up about this to any friends or anyone because I'm just so embarrassed and hurt. 

I honestly feel so lost and don't see the point in living anymore. I feel like im mourning my mum all over and no-one understands the pain. 
I need her more than ever. I just don't know how to carry on. Please can someone help me 

  • Offline

    Have you had any bereavement counselling? I've been receiving support from CRUSE and it's really helping. Grief can take a long time to work through and you shouldn't feel scared to open up about it to friends or anyone else. You haven't finished your grieving yet, which is not unusual or abnormal.  Your brother too is still grieving and anger is a natural part of that process, but you also need to keep yourself safe while your brother is working through his grief, so speak to a professional who can help you there too. If there's a Maggie's Centre near you, why not drop in for a chat? Or you could contact your local Mind organisation – there may be some local peer support plus they are expert at signposting people so they get whatever help they need.  Please do not despair. These are early days still with regard to grief. Rose x

  • Offline

    [@RSxo]‍ I am so sorry to hear about your Mum and the profound impact her passing has had on you and your family. As [@RoseStarBlue]‍ said, grief comes in many forms and it seems that as many men do, your brother is stuck in anger right now. What were your family dynamics like before your mum passed away? Was she the peacekeeper? Did you all get along or did you need guidance? 

    All that grief you're all feeling needs somewhere to go. Right now it seems (although I am only guessing by what you have said, I could be wrong) that you're all bottling up the negative emotions and they come crashing out in hurtful words and violence. You need to find a way to talk about your grief - and whilst I understand that you may not feel comfortable doing so, it's incredibly important for your own mental well-being and would also set the example for your siblings for how to cope with overwhelming emotion and loss. There has already been some great suggestions for therapy or support groups, all of whom are absolutely fantastic, but I also recommend talking about how you feel with a friend. It doesn't need to be every single detail, but just enough to know you don't have to pretend with somebody. There's absolutely no need to be embarrassed or concerned with how others view you, because trust me everybody's so hung up on their own stuff!

    Life is never going to be the same - if it was, it would diminish the wonderful light that your Mum was in the world. But it can still be good, in a different way. You just need to find a place for your outpouring of grief, and accept that grief can be ugly whilst setting clear boundaries that violence towards you is unacceptable.

    I hope you find peace, safety and compassion soon. It is there, and available to you, but you need to allow yourself to be vulnerable enough to accept it. Sending much love, hugs and good thoughts to you xxx

  • I'm really sorry to read what has happened between you and your brother RSxo and for how difficult things have been for you and your siblings since your mum passed away.

    I can see you've received some really good advice and I just want to echo what RoseStarBlue and LauraRose85 have said about reaching out for support. Coping with grief is so tough, but there are so many people who are on this journey as well, so you are not alone, and connecting with others who really understand what you are going through can be a massive source of strength and comfort during these difficult moments.

    If you don't feel you can open up to your friends, maybe you can speak to your GP about how you are feeling and what has happened with your family? They will be able to help, and ensure you get the right support, especially if you're finding yourself questioning life and struggling to carry on. Samaritans can also help you work through such thoughts and feelings so if you do find yourself contending with these again, do be sure to give them a call on 116 123. Their phone lines are open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week so you can talk to them at any time of day or night and they will listen, without judgement, to anything you want to say and will do all they can to support you. As RoseStarBlue and LauraRose85 have mentioned, you can seek out support and guidance through grief counselling and/or support groups as well.

    The journey with grief can be long and some days will be much tougher than others, but we will be here to look after you and support you every step of the way.

    Kind regards,

    Steph, Cancer Chat Moderator

Speak to a nurse

Quick links

Follow us

Registered with Fundraising Regulator (logo)
Cancer Research UK is a registered charity in England and Wales (1089464), Scotland (SC041666), the Isle of Man (1103) and Jersey (247). A company limited by guarantee. Registered company in England and Wales (4325234) and the Isle of Man (5713F). Registered address: 2 Redman Place, London, E20 1JQ.