Hello Susara,

I have just read your post and remember you and your lovely Mum (if I am correct your Mum wrote a very courageous blog and she was a Specialist Nurse). Sorry if I am completely incorrect as my memory at the moment is shocking - my head is everywhere.

I am so so sorry for your pain, I lost my Mum in May and I am only now nearly 4 months later feeling really like it has started to hit me. The first few months were surreal, there was a certain numbness and complete disbelief. Now I am completely broken, crying all the time and feeling like I can't cope with life. I think its so different for everyone on this horrific path of losing someone we love more than anything, someone who was and is our world. 

Your in the very very difficult and heartbreaking situation of being so young, your right - 20 is too young to be without your Mum and I am so very sad for you. I wish I could write words I know could help you but to be honest I don't think there is anything we can say to take away your pain, the only thing we can do is offer each other support. We understand your pain and we understand what it feels like to lose our precious Mums. My Mum lived with me, we use to work/live together. Most of my life was in someway connected to my Mum, I sometimes think maybe that was not a good idea because now I am left without her and its has floored me but if I had the chance to do it all again I wouldn't change any of it because I have so so many beautiful, funny, wonderful memories. 

Right now I share your thinking of feeling I will never be happy again, I feel the light which was my Mum has gone from my life leaving me in permanent darkness. I truly understand your thinking and emotions with this.

Everything we are going through now is normal from what I have read and experienced from talking to others. We can't love someone with all our heart and lose them and then not be feeling complete devastation. The pain represents the love. We are now suffering pain beyond anything we have ever felt and this is because we loved our precious Mums so so much. I do believe we will find happiness again, inbetween the immense sadness and loss I hope there will be moments of happiness and light. I know my Mum wished for me to make the most of life and continue to do so for myself and for her and thats why I am continuing day by day, but it is overwhelming most days just to live without her love, care, friendship...everything. I find taking it hour by hour, not thinking too far ahead is the best way to cope for me personally. I talk out loud to her all the time and I talk about her to my partner, I find talking about them almost keeps them alive in a way. I wish I could say something to convince myself and you that there is a way forward without them that is ok but I can't. Just knowing that so many of us are walking the same path and understand is a huge support. Please reach out to us whever you need to, we are here for you.

Jane x

Thank you so much Jane. 
It warms my heart that you remember my mums blogs, she would've loved that! It is true that this is what we get when we love someone so unconditionally. I will definitely take your advice, as I'm always looking far into the future, thinking about all the things I will do without my mum. It hurts thinking about when she was upset telling me about all the things she will miss. All we have now is the love we had for them, something that helps me is knowing that my mum knew how much I loved her! 
Thanks again for your message, I hope you are coping well. Do you have anyone who you can talk to? Or anyone who was close with your mum that you can talk to?

hugs X

Thank you so much Jane. 
It warms my heart that you remember my mums blogs, she would've loved that! It is true that this is what we get when we love someone so unconditionally. I will definitely take your advice, as I'm always looking far into the future, thinking about all the things I will do without my mum. It hurts thinking about when she was upset telling me about all the things she will miss. All we have now is the love we had for them, something that helps me is knowing that my mum knew how much I loved her! 
Thanks again for your message, I hope you are coping well. Do you have anyone who you can talk to? Or anyone who was close with your mum that you can talk to?

hugs X