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My father's passed

Jenolserm
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I dont even know how to write this really . Well my dad passed passing July just gone . 

He was poorly as he had copd after having lung cancer twice and beat . Unfortunately the cancer returned in his spine . 

He fought so hard over 12 years . He was always towards the end in and out of hospital. Unfortunately the last time he didnt come out . 

His belly swelled and they believed it was cancer but wouldn't operate . His death was so sudden he was talking well on the night on the 7th and   the next day they had sedated him and had passed by the 11th 

I dont know if I will ever feel any better.  I loved him so much.  We were so close calling several times aday .its so hard not to hear his voice and pick up the phone . I search for videos just to hear his voice but its not the same .

everyone says he's at peace and I know its true but as selfish as I am I'm totally broken 

I try not to think to much then it hits me like a train.

when people say they are heart broken I totally understand now as I have a crushing pain in my chest that takes my breath away 

My Dad was just 66 I feel robbed of so many years and for my son also . I'm currently pregnant which my dad new about but I just wish he was here to meet him 

I look at other father's or men going with friends for a Saturday night drink and think ,why just why my dad ,why not that old man over there .

I feel my worlds stopped completely it will never be the same again. I feel my unborn son is keeping me together right now .

I have so many questions unanswered from the hospital which I've tried to ask but never got.  I suppose I never will.  In a way I dont know if I want to know. 

I dont know if I should of wrote this on here but I feel empty and need to ofload to somewhere 

 

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    Dear Jenolserm,

    I just came across your post by chance, while looking for information. 

    I feel for you so very much and I can relate to so much of what you've written. I'm so sorry that you lost your dad, you have my sincere sympathy. I too lost my lovely dad, 20 years ago now and he was just 67. It's unfair isn't it, especially as you say, when you see much older men walking around and healthy. 

    As I write, my lovely mum (80) was suddenly became sick in March and was diagnosed with blood cancer in July. So as a family we're dealing with this awful disease again! 

    All the clichés in the world don't take the pain of loss away, but I can only say what helped me when Iost my dad. My daughter was only 4 when he passed. I just talked to him everyday and I still do to this day. Somehow it has helped me with that sick feeling of loss that never leaves you. Just talk to your dad, tell him everything.... 

     

    And you were right to post here. It does help to get feelings out on paper. I write in a journal, letting everything out on paper. 

    Be gentle with yourself and cry as much as you need to. I hope the rest of your pregnancy goes well. 

     

    Take care for now

  • Offline in reply to Cla64

    Hi , thank you so much for youre kind words . Means so much .

    My little boy who's 6 talks about my dad daily I find it hard . He says he doesn't want to forget him . 

    Thought in time to make a memory box .

    I'm so sorry about youre mum . Life's sometimes so cruel .

    Sending you & youre family love & thank you once again  

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    I feel your pain it's heartbreaking the feelings we get are beyond words... feeling robbed not getting answers why him there is so many questions ... some parents work there life and don't make it to retirement age...

    Then the C word is mentioned and from that second your life changes forever...

    The love we had for our dads is infinity. We cherish memories and speak of them always, there's the good days and bad, the loss is something we carry forever but the inner strength our parents taught us. We continue our life's for ourselves for our family who keep us going.

    You will find strength through time, you will always feel a piece of you wont ever be the same. I know as time has passed I still feel the same way I did from the first day. I continue with strength from my children as to look through there eyes and see there future depends on me just being here.

     

    I feel your pain but take care of each other and one day you will laugh with your children at your memories you shared, you will also have tears on days with a feeling of crushed heavy heart, you grow stronger time is not a healer, we learn how to live with the pain of that journey of our life that we were never prepared for, no one is prepared to lose anyone but the shock of losing a parent to cancer is definitely the hardest of all.

    stay strong take care of yourself and each other the things I say is sent to you from this broken heart of mine as I lost my father to cancer it's the first time I have signed in to this site.

    Your words are from a crushed heart like mine, on days like this its hard. I just want to send my love thoughts and a little strength your way at the hardest time of your life

     

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