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Mum has died at 58 and I feel completely alone !

HopeGore
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Please help me ! 
 

My mum has died and I'm totally alone with 4 young children ! 
Let me start from the beginning! 
My mum was my best friend (I mean I have a lot of friends and I have my absolutely best friends but they don't compare to mum) . 
Im a nurse and mum was my soul childcare help running them to nursery etc as my partner leaves super early to go to work. My children are 10, 4 and the twins are 3! Super hard work ! 
 

In December 2021 lost the movement in her leg ! Drs said it was a trapped nerve . So she started therapy for this . She fell and couldn't move her leg from under her so she broke her leg and came to live with me for a bit ! Me , being me was a typical nurse and trying to get over obsicals that came our way and I was a bit tough on her ! By Christmas she lost the use of her arm ! This made me concerned although I thought she was just being dramatic! ! New Years Eve 2021 she started fitting ! I told her not leave the hospital without a brain scan (they had scan a couple of times before hand but not a full body) . NYE she was diagnosed with a brain tumour! New Year's Day 2022 she was diagnosed with lung cancer as well as a brain tumour! My world fell apart ! The knowledge and experience that I have seen knew that this was it ! But I dated positive and upbeat for her ! But I know I started to say goodbye ! 
treatment started in February! They withdrew it March 2022 2 days before mother day ! She lost her speech 3 days after !  She died 3 weeks later on the 19th of April 2022 ! The Easter bank holiday weekend was the worst experience I never want to relive again , but yet again I relive it everyday to keep the memory of it fresh! 
 

that weekend she went on her last motor bike ride ! She fell asleep on Saturday 1pm after the ride and she hardily woke up since . I turned up on Sunday at 7pm to her her ready for family Easter and I Couldn't get her out of bed. I started the ball rolling with the hospice ! I sent her down that route ! I watched her leave her house for the last time ! I watched her scared when she woke ! I cuddled her ! I called the family ! I got her the pain relief , the tep form. I did it all on her last days ! I sat with my step dad and aunties in the hospice ! I went for a sleep in the other room and I was called back and she had gone ! I missed her passing ! I missed that last breath ! My brother was at home so I called him to come to the hospice! I then started on the wine ! I refused to let them wash her straight away ! I pulled her syringe driver out ! I pulled her catheter out ! I tried to wash her ! But they then had to take over ! I was a mess ! She was in the hospice for 12 hours ! 
 

Her funeral was massive ! I wrote a poem I tried to read it and broke but continued , once I finished the whole church upstood in a massive round of applause! Something I have never seen ! The drinking then started and once again I was a mess ! 
 

our family had already delt with loss befor me particularly 4 years previous when my young aunt died ! The pain was horrific ! 
 

we did the funeral and 3 weeks later was my hen party and 11 weeks after she passed I got married ! I mean who can write this ! 2 weeks after the wedding my cousin got married in Malta (my cousin who has lost her mum 4 years ago-that aunt) . The first day all family members were in the sea and we got a call , my Nan had died while we were all in the sea ! My mums and aunts mum ! I mean what else can this year give us ? 
 

so I'm struggling! 
I have never felt so alone ! I mean I don't even think people understand the loneliness! It hurts so much ! I can't see my living without her ! I mean I really mean that ! I thrill seak ! I'm not scared of death anymore ! If I'm honest I just want to be with my mum ! I have four Children and I think they will be better off without me like this ! I can't get over this I can't live like this ! I still need my mum ! She was 58 and I was 29 ! I turned 30 2 days before my wedding ! I can't bombard people with my feelings ! My husband is really stressed anyway ! I'm always the life of the party ! The "I'm fine" person ! But I'm not but I can't show that ! I'm trying to live life and keep busy but it's not working ! 
I need help ! 
Did I send mum to an early death ? Did I do it wrong? Did i not greive right ? How do I do this ? I can't see Me doing it much more ! Life is a long time and I don't know weather a life without mum is an option ! 

Parents

  • I am so sorry for your loss HopeGore and to read what has happened.

    You have been through so much so it's completely understandable to be feeling like this right now but you are not alone and support is available to help you through this very difficult time.

    It can be very scary to let others know you are struggling, especially when you feel you may be burdening them by doing so, but I'm sure your husband and your friends will want to know how you are feeling and do all they can to comfort you. As RoseStarBlue has said, if you don't feel you can open up to them just yet, there are other channels of support available, with your GP being the first port of call. Get in touch with them and let them know what you're going through. They are there to support you and will do all they can to help you work through your grief.

    I noticed you mentioned that you've been drinking a lot since your mum passed. If this is becoming unmanageable or you've noticed you're relying on it a bit too much at the moment, do let your doctor know as they will be able to help you become less dependent upon it whilst you grieve. You can also reach out for support and advice from Alcoholics Anonymous.

    Coping with grief is very difficult, but you've taken that very brave first step by opening up to us. Our members know how tough this journey can be and I'm sure many others will be along soon to share their experiences and advice with you. As RoseStarBlue has mentioned, there are many charities and organisations that can support you through your grief. Cruse and Sue Ryder both offer bereavement support to anyone who is struggling with their loss but for those times when the grief and pain become too much, the Samaritans are available on 116 123. They are there to support anyone going through a difficult time, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week so do get in touch with them if you need to.

    Losing one of the most important people in your life is one of the most painful experiences you will go through HopeGore so be kind to yourself, take things one step, and day, at a time and give yourself the time and space you need to heal.

    Kind regards,

    Steph, Cancer Chat Moderator

Reply

  • I am so sorry for your loss HopeGore and to read what has happened.

    You have been through so much so it's completely understandable to be feeling like this right now but you are not alone and support is available to help you through this very difficult time.

    It can be very scary to let others know you are struggling, especially when you feel you may be burdening them by doing so, but I'm sure your husband and your friends will want to know how you are feeling and do all they can to comfort you. As RoseStarBlue has said, if you don't feel you can open up to them just yet, there are other channels of support available, with your GP being the first port of call. Get in touch with them and let them know what you're going through. They are there to support you and will do all they can to help you work through your grief.

    I noticed you mentioned that you've been drinking a lot since your mum passed. If this is becoming unmanageable or you've noticed you're relying on it a bit too much at the moment, do let your doctor know as they will be able to help you become less dependent upon it whilst you grieve. You can also reach out for support and advice from Alcoholics Anonymous.

    Coping with grief is very difficult, but you've taken that very brave first step by opening up to us. Our members know how tough this journey can be and I'm sure many others will be along soon to share their experiences and advice with you. As RoseStarBlue has mentioned, there are many charities and organisations that can support you through your grief. Cruse and Sue Ryder both offer bereavement support to anyone who is struggling with their loss but for those times when the grief and pain become too much, the Samaritans are available on 116 123. They are there to support anyone going through a difficult time, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week so do get in touch with them if you need to.

    Losing one of the most important people in your life is one of the most painful experiences you will go through HopeGore so be kind to yourself, take things one step, and day, at a time and give yourself the time and space you need to heal.

    Kind regards,

    Steph, Cancer Chat Moderator

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