Am so sorry you've had to suffer all this loss. Of course, you didn't send your mum to an early death. That thought is a classic sign of grief ... You're still grieving and need help. I myself am getting help from Cruse. I think you too need help to deal with the feelings that are overwhelming you. All the hurt you're feeling that's grief... You haven't finished grieving. You need help through this difficult time and posting on here is a step towards healing. It's so important you take those steps because your children need you. (My daughter's friend lost a parent because that parent couldn't face continuing and believe me it had the most horrendous impact on the child's life...). If you don't want to open up to family, keep posting on here, get help from organisations such as Cruse, the Samaritans, the charity Mind, a Safe Space crisis centre, 111, CRUK, Macmillan nurses, a local Maggies centre (you can just drop in for a chat), or you can phone the Maggies national helpline etc. I feel it would also be a good idea to tell your GP tomorrow how much pain and sadness you are feeling because the GP may be able to offer additional support. You may be experiencing more than grief. I feel you need to do this for the sake of both you and your family. Think of how your mum would want you well for the sake of her grandchildren. Please, please, please look after yourself! (I'd hate for another child to suffer like my daughter's young friend.) Sending love and hugs and the hope you will reach out for more support.  There is help out there and it's not wrong to reach out. I think your husband would want to know how you are feeling. I think your friends would want to know. But if you feel you can't tell them there are many other ways to get help and support. Please take care. Xx

Im so sorry. My mum died just under 48 hours ago at 11.11 on the 28th... I am completely numb... I dont know how to go on without her.

I can promise you with absolute certainty is that your children will NEVER be better off without you. Ever. They need their mum in the same way you need yours... If you are no longer there, the pain doesnt vanish, it just gets passed on for them to carry. Im not sure if that is the right thing to say but i just wanted to make sure you know that everything you are feeling is ok, its the most painful horrible overwhelming thing, but grief does horrible things and it doesnt vanish of you arent here ️

Im so glad you reached out, there is nothing i can say that will make it any better... But pease reach out for more help. Please tell your partner and friends, they WILL want to know, no matter how it feels to you, or how much of a burden you feel you will be putting on them, they care, they want to support you and help you through this. Reaching out is something i find difficult (impossible) myself but you have already done it here, its the first and hardest step and all it takes is to keep taking them ️ please make use of the services the other comment mentioned. You CAN do this. I know it sesms impossible now but you can. 

All the love i have to spare i am sending you. All the strength i have to spare, im sending you. Please keep talking ️

I am so sorry for your loss HopeGore and to read what has happened.

You have been through so much so it's completely understandable to be feeling like this right now but you are not alone and support is available to help you through this very difficult time.

It can be very scary to let others know you are struggling, especially when you feel you may be burdening them by doing so, but I'm sure your husband and your friends will want to know how you are feeling and do all they can to comfort you. As RoseStarBlue has said, if you don't feel you can open up to them just yet, there are other channels of support available, with your GP being the first port of call. Get in touch with them and let them know what you're going through. They are there to support you and will do all they can to help you work through your grief.

I noticed you mentioned that you've been drinking a lot since your mum passed. If this is becoming unmanageable or you've noticed you're relying on it a bit too much at the moment, do let your doctor know as they will be able to help you become less dependent upon it whilst you grieve. You can also reach out for support and advice from Alcoholics Anonymous.

Coping with grief is very difficult, but you've taken that very brave first step by opening up to us. Our members know how tough this journey can be and I'm sure many others will be along soon to share their experiences and advice with you. As RoseStarBlue has mentioned, there are many charities and organisations that can support you through your grief. Cruse and Sue Ryder both offer bereavement support to anyone who is struggling with their loss but for those times when the grief and pain become too much, the Samaritans are available on 116 123. They are there to support anyone going through a difficult time, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week so do get in touch with them if you need to.

Losing one of the most important people in your life is one of the most painful experiences you will go through HopeGore so be kind to yourself, take things one step, and day, at a time and give yourself the time and space you need to heal.

Kind regards,

Steph, Cancer Chat Moderator