My mum passed away in April after courageously battling for 12 months.  In the last months her spine collapsed due to cauda equina syndrome and tumor progression.  She had surgery to ease the pain but never got out of bed again.  She wanted to be at home, so thats what we did and we nursed her and cared for her the best we could.  But at times she suffered.  I know we did our best but we arent trained and I know her care would have been better in the hospice.  When she died, I didn't collapse like I thought I would but as time goes on I'm getting worse.   I can't sleep coz when I close my eyes I picture all the terrible things.  I hear her gasping for breath and fighting for life for hours and hours the night before  she passed.  I remember willing her to die because I couldn't bare seeing her struggle but knew she struggled because she didn't want to go.  I hear her last sigh and see her face as she left.  I just miss her more and more every day.  I dont want to go to work or socialise, I don't want birthdays or Christmas.  We were unable to have children and I feel so alone. My husband doesn't understand and keeps telling me to go to the Dr's.  He says this isn't normal.  I don't know if this is normal or not.  Is this part of grief or some form of ptsd? I know I suffered from anticipatory grief for the full year before she left and I think that cushioned me the first month after she died but its hitting me like a sledge hammer now.  Thanks for letting .me vent