Mum died of lung cancer and I think I have PaTSD

My mum passed away in April after courageously battling for 12 months.  In the last months her spine collapsed due to cauda equina syndrome and tumor progression.  She had surgery to ease the pain but never got out of bed again.  She wanted to be at home, so thats what we did and we nursed her and cared for her the best we could.  But at times she suffered.  I know we did our best but we arent trained and I know her care would have been better in the hospice.  When she died, I didn't collapse like I thought I would but as time goes on I'm getting worse.   I can't sleep coz when I close my eyes I picture all the terrible things.  I hear her gasping for breath and fighting for life for hours and hours the night before  she passed.  I remember willing her to die because I couldn't bare seeing her struggle but knew she struggled because she didn't want to go.  I hear her last sigh and see her face as she left.  I just miss her more and more every day.  I dont want to go to work or socialise, I don't want birthdays or Christmas.  We were unable to have children and I feel so alone. My husband doesn't understand and keeps telling me to go to the Dr's.  He says this isn't normal.  I don't know if this is normal or not.  Is this part of grief or some form of ptsd? I know I suffered from anticipatory grief for the full year before she left and I think that cushioned me the first month after she died but its hitting me like a sledge hammer now.  Thanks for letting .me vent 

 

  • Hello Nicjmac,

    I'm sorry to hear about you the loss of your mum.

    As many can tell you, there is no right or wrong way to grieve so please go easy on yourself, take one day at a time. If you feel you are struggling it might be a good idea to reach out to Cruse as they offer support for people who are experiencing those feelings you described, they also have a helpline if you think it might help to speak to someone: 0808 808 1677.

    Hopefully others who can relate to what you're going through at the moment will come by shortly to offer support, until they do, take good care of yourself and remember we're always here if you need a chat.

    I hope this helps a little.

    All the best,

    Renata, Cancer Chat Moderator

     

  • I'm no expert, but personally, I think it's worth talking to your GP if you are finding things difficult. I wouldn't worry about whether it's normal or not. Something can be normal and still require a bit of support, you know?

  • Hello there, I'm going through the same thing right now, it's day two for me, my mother passed away yesterday, she went down hill very quickly as she died at home. I'm currently haunted by walking in to see her there, it's hard to even type the words to describe it but you'll already know what I mean. This was my mum, she raised me and my sister alone, my soul and heart and beyond broken and I am terrified of a future without her because currently the present doesn't even feel real or even happy. We just have to stay positive wherever there is positivity 

  • Hi Nicjmac,

    You might not remember me - you posted on my forum post last year after your mum was diagnosed.

    I haven't used this forum since then, but wanted to come on to check on you - I'm really sorry to learn of the sad news, sending my best wishes to you.

    How are you feeling now? Sorry to be a bit late, but something that really helps me is writing. I would write daily entries on my computer, calling them my sanity blogs. Where I could vent on how I feel, the good and the bad. 

    I've always found that grieving comes in waves - and first thing in the morning and last thing at night is when it would usually hit me the most - usually because I'd do everything in my power to block it out during the day. (However right or wrong that approach was) Grieve however works best for you - as mentioned below, there is no right or wrong way. Just know that we're all here to support you through it xx