Welcome to the forum Sweater1940 although I'm so sorry to hear your mum passed away at the beginning of the year. You have my deepest sympathies.

I know I can't take away the pain but I hope it helps to know that many of the feelings you are experiencing are very common when grieving so if you can, try and be kind to yourself and remember all the things you did manage to do for your mum before she passed. 

Many of our members know how difficult it can be to cope with these thoughts and feelings so you are not alone and hopefully some of them will stop by soon to share their experiences and advice.

I'm not sure if this is something you have looked in to already, but if not, bereavement counselling may be able to help you work through the guilt and regret you are struggling with at the moment. If you feel this is something you could benefit from then do have a look at the support and advice offered by Cruse Bereavement and Sue Ryder.

Kind regards,

Steph, Cancer Chat Moderator

Hi Sweater,

I was in China when I lost my mum but I got to speak to her on Skype until her final deteriation came quickly and I was too late to get back and say goodbye to her and to hug her for the last time, life is what it is - we're not programmed with hindsight and sometimes the wrong thing at the wrong time comes out without meaning to. I think when it comes to this kind of thing, we have to look at the whole of the relationship and see how it was over a lifetime instead of concentrating on the hurtful of bad times (hard, I know...) all relationships go through rocky patches however much we might love that person - human nature is imperfect at the best of times. 

Forgiveness is a balm that heals a lot of internal wounds so I have found, sometimes you have to forgive others but sometimes you have to forgive yourself because, my mum certainly believed this - we haven't got forever - our lives here are temporary and we have to live them to the best we can. I am sure you know deep down your mum loved you very much and she will know you loved her much the same back. Take care and I wish you well for the future.

Hi thank you for your reply I know your right but it's really hard not to feel bad and now I know the harsh words from mum was because she knew she was near death I've been told this happens to people that are dying they get angry and frustrated with people around them but it still doesn't feel good to have nasty things said to you when normally you get on so well as we did , I will try not to dwell on not being with her I suppose it just takes time thanks and sorry for your loss as well x