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Trauma from Dads passing

Hannahlisa17
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My dad passed away on the 13th of this month after a 9 week battle with an apparent "treatable" and "manageable" form of lung cancer. He didn't even make it to his first treatment. 
When my dad passed we were with him, he suffered cardiac arrest while at home, paramedics and critical care teams tried to resuscitate for what felt like hours. While we weren't in the room once the paramedics arrived I keep getting flashbacks to the 10-15 mins before they arrived, seeing my dad lifeless and dying in front of me, I won't go too graphic but I never realised how traumatising CPR is especially experiencing all of these things on my own dad who 9 weeks before we thought was fit and healthy at 57 years old. I'm really really struggling to shake the images out my head. It makes me feel so tense and like I need to just explode. I don't want to talk to my family about it, as I know my sister who was with my dad as well is probably experiencing similar. Im sorry for ranting, I just needed to get it off my chest. It feels like for the past 11 days, after the initial 2/3 days I almost blocked it all out. I felt bad for not being more outwardly mourning, despite inside it felt like a tornado constantly. The last 2 days the reality of what all this means has sunk in, the fact I won't see my dad again or hear his voice or hug him or tell him about my day and hear about his so I don't know if this could be why now I'm struggling with flashbacks and what I think is trauma

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    Hi Hannah,

    First of all I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my dad almost a year ago unexpectedly and absolutely  nothing can prepare you. We all know death is inevitable however  somehow we feel  like our parents are invincible and will be with us forever. Not only are you suffering  the loss of your dad but the trauma of how he passed. You need to try and talk about this to someone because it will consume you. I appreciate  this is easier said than done. Maybe your sister feels the same and would help both of you if you spoke about it. Its such an uncomfortable feeling knowing you aren't going to see someone again. It's surreal. I still talk, out loud, to my dad. Who knows if he can hear me but it brings some comfort.

    In time I promise you things will get better, you will have your moments but please take to heart that he was at home with his loving family. He will have known  how loved he was. There's nothing anyone can say to you right now but time is a healer, you'll always have your memories of your lovely dad. Please remember  that everyone mourns differently and don't feel bad about anything. Your emotions will be all over the place.

    Take care my darling, you will get through this. 

    P.s what a beautiful picture of you and your dad xxx 

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    Hi Hannah,

    I felt so sad for you all when I read your post regarding the passing of your Dad, you have gone through such a sudden traumatic experience its no wonder you are having flashbacks and they are traumatising you. What you witnessed is something we all hope we don't have to. I was with my Mum when she passed away after 16 hours of staff trying to pull her through (covid pneumonia). My Mum had advanced incureable lung cancer, diagnosed in January this year. I found witnessing what they did to try and clear her lungs absolutely horrific and the images of things I had to see still haunt my mind so I can understand your feelings now. The difference is your Dad's passing was so unexpected and traumatic and understandably now you are left with these memories. The only comfort from this is that you were with him, he was not alone but it is now leaving you with such terrible memories. I think it does take time for reality to sink in, I was numb and in shock for the first few weeks and only now the brutal reality of never seeing or speaking to my Mum again really hitting me.

    Have you spoken to your GP or thought about counselling? I am on a waiting list for counselling with Cruse (www.cruse.org.uk) but there is a freephone number you can contact anytime within their hours (you may get put in a queue) or online chat with them. I think talking will help you, just getting your feelings and thinking said out loud will be of some help I'm sure. It is such early days for you and your family. Please reach out for support and know that we are here and will listen anytime too.

    Grief and bereavement is ongoing, there are no shortcuts or easy paths through it. I often wish there were a pause button just to try and stop it all from overwhelming me at times. I think the best comfort I get right now is knowing there are others (which I don't wish on anyone) that know my feelings and understand how I think and feel. I'm trying to stay strong and think what Mum would say to me, she wanted me to live my best life for me and for her. You need time to process everything and just take care of yourself, you have been through so much.

    Jane

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