Hello Oliver, 

A warm welcome to Cancer Chat. I am so sorry for your sad loss of your mum. This year must have been really tough for you and the feelings you describe, of it being as raw as the day she died, are feelings that many of our members who have also lost a loved one will be able to relate to. 

It sounds like your mum was a real pillar in your family so it's completely understandable that you feel you have lost part of you, that your family life has changed too in the last year and without her it's as if the link to your memories were gone. It's not crazy at all to feel this way and I am sure so many of our members have had this impression when a loved one who was the life and soul of their family was suddenly gone. 

You were with your mum until her last day and have been through so much and seen so much that it's normal that these visions are still very much vivid in your head. You looked after her very well it seems and your mum I am sure was grateful for everything you did for her right until the end. 

As you will read in our page on Coping with Grief, grief is a very personal thing and there is no right or wrong way to grieve and you can experience a whole range of complex feelings and emotions which are very much part of the grieving process. 

If you feel that things are just getting too much and difficult for you to bear, have a chat with your GP who will I am sure have some good suggestions for you to help you cope when you are feeling really down and there are grief counselling options too you could consider. 

I will now let our members who have lost a loved one recently come and say hello and share their story with you. It does help to talk to others who have been in a similar place and who can relate to the intense raw pain you have been experiencing in the last year.

Best wishes, 

Lucie, Cancer Chat Moderator