Hello Oliver, 

A warm welcome to Cancer Chat. I am so sorry for your sad loss of your mum. This year must have been really tough for you and the feelings you describe, of it being as raw as the day she died, are feelings that many of our members who have also lost a loved one will be able to relate to. 

It sounds like your mum was a real pillar in your family so it's completely understandable that you feel you have lost part of you, that your family life has changed too in the last year and without her it's as if the link to your memories were gone. It's not crazy at all to feel this way and I am sure so many of our members have had this impression when a loved one who was the life and soul of their family was suddenly gone. 

You were with your mum until her last day and have been through so much and seen so much that it's normal that these visions are still very much vivid in your head. You looked after her very well it seems and your mum I am sure was grateful for everything you did for her right until the end. 

As you will read in our page on Coping with Grief, grief is a very personal thing and there is no right or wrong way to grieve and you can experience a whole range of complex feelings and emotions which are very much part of the grieving process. 

If you feel that things are just getting too much and difficult for you to bear, have a chat with your GP who will I am sure have some good suggestions for you to help you cope when you are feeling really down and there are grief counselling options too you could consider. 

I will now let our members who have lost a loved one recently come and say hello and share their story with you. It does help to talk to others who have been in a similar place and who can relate to the intense raw pain you have been experiencing in the last year.

Best wishes, 

Lucie, Cancer Chat Moderator

Hi Oliver,

I'm so sorry that you lost your Mum to breast cancer. My Mum passed away in December from bladder cancer and 7 months in it can feel like no time has passed but also an eternity.

I know what you mean about jokes and family gatherings. My Mum had a great sense of humour and we could always have a laugh together. She was always in amongst the family, looking after everyone, making cups of tea etc so now the house just feels so empty without her. I'm sure you feel the same way.

It doesn't sound crazy at all, it sounds completely natural. Youve lost one of the most important people in your life and had to deal with so much in looking after her. Your memories are there, they're maybe just too painful to think about right now and if anything like me, sometimes the nice memories get overtaken by all of the traumatic ones. I know I definitely push mine away as it can just hurt too much to think about. I've been speaking to a counsellor and she suggested writing nice memories down in a book - things my mum would say, favourite things, anything that comes to mind. I don't do it all the time but I find I can sometimes write things down and smile and cry, even though it's so hard. Is that something you think you could try? I think (and hope!) in time the difficult visions we have of our mums during their illness will fade with time and hopefully be replaced by the happier times. It will just take time.  

I find being on here can be so helpful as it's full of people who truly understand what you're going through so reach out whenever you need to.

Take care

Kat