Hi Jane,

I'm so sorry for the loss of your lovely Mum. It sounds like you had such a close special relationship. 
 

I lost my Mum in December and can relate to everything you say. I think our brains just go into complete protection mode as it's simply too overwhelming to comprehend our loss all at once. 

It's been nearly 7 months for me now and I still have periods of feeling completely numb, then disbelief that this has happened, then panic when I remember I won't see my Mum again - then anger, sadness, rage, all of the horrible, really difficult emotions. And I too still have days where I'll think about calling her or think she's still here. the reality can take your breath away.  I know what you mean about feeling that you might breakdown - I've had that feeling many times but I think somehow we just manage to pick ourselves up and carry on even though we are in so much pain. 

Just try to remember that all of the feelings and emotions you are experiencing are normal and that grief isn't linear. You'll process everything in your own time and if anything like me you can have about 20 different emotions in the space of an hour!! Or even a minute! It's a rollercoaster, an incredibly painful one that we wish we weren't on. 

Have you considered talking to anyone? I've been having grief counselling and find speaking to a neutral person is really very helpful, and makes me realise that all these feelings are normal and part of the process of grief - not that we're going crazy! 

Be kind to yourself Jane, it's still such early days. I believe we will never get over our loss but in time life will grow around it again and we'll be able to carry on. Albeit not quite in the same way. 

Kat x

Hi Annan,

Thank you so much for your kind reply. Reading your words today came just at the right time for me, I was having a 'moment' and read your words and I felt normal because the feelings and emotions you described were exactly as I were feeling. As you mentioned we can be going through so many different emotions all in a short space of time; numbness, panic, disbelief, sadness, overwhelming panic, guilt, shock and everything inbetween along with the constant feeling of missing them all the time that never leaves us. 

Do you mind my asking about your Mum? Was she able to stay at home? I wish my Mum had been in her own home at the end, she hated hospital but there was no chance at all to get her home she was simply too ill and right up to the last few hours they were still trying to stablise and treat her. Those memories of that last week are haunting me, especially the treatment by some of the nurses, one Junior Dr and a Consultant, Mum was transferred to 3 different wards in a week and I witnessed some truly unacceptable behaviour and I know Mum wanted to tell me more and she thought she would be telling me when she returned home...so I never got to know everything. I feel such guilt that the day before she passed away I didn't push to stay with Mum longer, it was a saturday and the Nurse caring for Mum said she didn't normally work on that ward (Covid Ward) so she felt she had to keep me to the 1 hour visiting slot even though she was so ill they must have known her life was short and every hour I spent with her was precious. Mum was in a room on her own so me being with her made no difference to them and the next day I was with her 16 hours but by then she wasn't responsive. I keep thinking of all the things we could have said to each other the day before when she was lucid and all those pointless hours she spent in a room on her own alone with her thoughts when I could and should have been with her.

Your Mum passing away in December is still very very early days, I feel a few years when you lose someone so close is early days. Keep in touch. Take Care.

Jane

Hi Annan,

Thank you so much for your kind reply. Reading your words today came just at the right time for me, I was having a 'moment' and read your words and I felt normal because the feelings and emotions you described were exactly as I were feeling. As you mentioned we can be going through so many different emotions all in a short space of time; numbness, panic, disbelief, sadness, overwhelming panic, guilt, shock and everything inbetween along with the constant feeling of missing them all the time that never leaves us. 

Do you mind my asking about your Mum? Was she able to stay at home? I wish my Mum had been in her own home at the end, she hated hospital but there was no chance at all to get her home she was simply too ill and right up to the last few hours they were still trying to stablise and treat her. Those memories of that last week are haunting me, especially the treatment by some of the nurses, one Junior Dr and a Consultant, Mum was transferred to 3 different wards in a week and I witnessed some truly unacceptable behaviour and I know Mum wanted to tell me more and she thought she would be telling me when she returned home...so I never got to know everything. I feel such guilt that the day before she passed away I didn't push to stay with Mum longer, it was a saturday and the Nurse caring for Mum said she didn't normally work on that ward (Covid Ward) so she felt she had to keep me to the 1 hour visiting slot even though she was so ill they must have known her life was short and every hour I spent with her was precious. Mum was in a room on her own so me being with her made no difference to them and the next day I was with her 16 hours but by then she wasn't responsive. I keep thinking of all the things we could have said to each other the day before when she was lucid and all those pointless hours she spent in a room on her own alone with her thoughts when I could and should have been with her.

Your Mum passing away in December is still very very early days, I feel a few years when you lose someone so close is early days. Keep in touch. Take Care.

Jane

Hi Jane,

Oh those 'moments' , we know them well. They like to creep up when you're not expecting don't they,  so I'm glad my reply brought some comfort at the time. I've found this space so comforting and supportive even though that feels terrible to say as I wish none of us had to be on here!! 

Yes of course. So my Mum went to the GP one Friday in October and sadly never made it home again. She was in the hospital for around 4 weeks and initially we thought she would get home but due to the pain she was dealing with she was transferred to a local hospice. The idea was that her pain would be brought under control there, she would have some rehab and she would get home/possibly some treatment. At one point we actually had it all arranged, a bed was delivered and we were going to care for her at home. However there was then just a series of events where she got a chest infection, then had a clot in her leg and had had a couple of falls and her pain was just so complex due to the cancer having advanced to her spine etc that she just deteriorated from there. We were lucky in that the hospice were amazing and because it was so difficult getting the pain under control my Mum was definitely in the right place as we just wouldn't have been able to manage that at home. She was there for 6 weeks all in before she passed. I still feel a deep sadness that we never got her home though and when I visit my Dad now it just feels so quiet and cold without her there. 
I know exactly what you mean about feeling haunted by the memories, it's terrible and absolutely not helped by feeling that your Mum didn't always get the best care. I can relate to that. The Dr who told my mum she had cancer basically barged into her room and told her her diagnosis on her own, and two of the nurses in hospital still make my blood boil when I think of how they spoke to my Mum and manhandled her. 

It must have been so frustrating with the visiting hours. I felt the same with the hospice although we were allowed to be there for longer than an hour. Covid just robbed us of precious hours. 

I know it's so hard (and I have to tell myself this all the time!) but please don't feel guilty for not pushing to stay longer. I've tortured myself that I left the hospice half an hour before my Mum passed. Your Mum would have known how much you wanted to be there and would have been so comforted when you were. All of those things you wanted to say, from the posts I've read of yours I'm absolutely sure you're Mum knew what you'd say and how you felt without you even having to say it. It sounds like you had a deep understanding and love of one another and I feel like with the people we love the most, we don't always have to say anything. We know it deep within ourselves. 

sorry I've realised this is a very long message but I think we could probably fill pages about our Mums! 

Sending love.

Kat x

Hi Kat,

Thank you for your kind reply amd sharing your own personal experience with your dear Mum. So sorry your Mum never made it home and had so many weeks in hospital. It must have been some small comfort to you all that she was able to be in a hospice for the last couple weeks of her life rather than the sterile (often the case) hospital environment. I have read so many positive accounts of hospices and although nothing beats being in your own home I think it sounds as if a hospice environment is preferable to hospitals. 

You made me cry (in a good way!) when you described the fact that my Mum and I had such a strong bond and understanding together. You were right in the fact we never even had to speak words, just a flicker of an eye movement or a slight head shift and we knew instantly what the other was thinking about something. Mum would have absolutely knew how I would have been feeling/thinking in her last hours/days and I have to believe that. 

Please don't apologise for your long message, it actually brings me comfort and support and also I love reading other people's stories/memories of their loved ones, so please share anytime. I think we could write a book filled with our memories and feelings of our loved ones/our Mums, I know I could!

Hope your doing ok this week.

Jane x