Hello Angel, may I offer my condolences to you.  I felt the need to reply to your post because when my mother died of cancer, I had been her main carer, and just like you, I felt that I had to be 'the strong one' and hold everything together, while everyone around me was falling to pieces.  But my advice Angel is to cry whenever you want to.  Holding it in is not good for you, this is something that I now realise, many years later.  If you feel that your dad and your sister are not strong enough to cope with your grief, you can contact CRUSE, an organisation for people that are grieving.  You need to talk to someone mate, please let your grief come out.  Much love, Violet, xxx

Thankyou for replying I feel so lost my mum was the one I would of turned to, I really don't know weather I'm coming or going at the moment, I just feel so numb with everything I will reach out to CRUSE because I think I need to talk to someone who is impartial to my dad and sister, I feel guilty talking to them about my grief and it's hard to know what to do x

I am so so sorry to read your post and for the loss of your Mum. I lost my Mum to covid pneumonia 2 weeks ago and she had incureable lung cancer. I was her carer for 3 years from when she had kidney cancer which was sucessfully removed. The last few weeks if her life she was so unwell, I had to call the GP surgery daily and no one visited, in the end I contacted the paramedics and she was admitted to hospital the last week of her life. What I witnessed in her last few days has haunted me. Her suffering and fear of dying, it brings me so much sadness because she was so brave and courageous. I have no children and have lived with my Mum and partner for 8 years, prior to this we lived and worked together for nearly 10 years on and off, she would go back to her home and within a few weeks be back again. We were best friends and mother/daughter. I simply do not know how to continue without her so I absolutely understand where you are coming from.

Know that you did everything possible for your Mum and you are wonderful for being such a great support to your family now. Please also take time for yourself, please cry if you need to. I also didn't cry in front of my Mum in her last weeks because I knew if she saw me crying she would know something seriously was wrong and I wanted to give her hope. I feel numb at times and others I am just devastated with grief.

There is just so much to process, the memories, the memories of her last few weeks, her illness, her passing, life without her. Grief is neverending. I am hearing my Mum's voice in my mind all the time and I believe it is her because her anwers to me are sudden without time for me to think and they are exactly as she would talk to me so I believe you are also hearing your Mum. 

Take each day slowly, don't try to be strong if you can't. Reach out to your family and also allow them to support you too.

We are hear if you need to talk.

Jane

I'm so sorry for your loss, you have been through it aswell it just feels so surreal at times I can't seem to process everything, your words have brought some comfort to me to know that someone else feels the same way and that it's not wrong to feel like I do, I know it will come in time but it's hard at the moment x

Hello , I'm new to this but I feel I connect with you .

My grief is very raw. My mum was 64.
i lost my mum nearly 3 weeks ago, she was and always will be my very best friend. Saw each other everyday and would always be on the phone to each other . My daughters were also very close to her. She was the only person I could talk to about anything and was my comfort in hard times, now I have no one to comfort me and it's lonely and traumatic. I have my dad, two sisters , partner and daughters but mum was mum and no one can make me feel better than her :(

mum was fine , at Christmas we had a great time , she was the life and soul of every family gathering and so funny and happy always.

i went round for a cup of tea early February after the school run and she came down the stairs and I noticed she was very breathless , and she looked worried .

i asked her what was wrong and she said ohh I'm fine stop worrying I think I have a bit of a chest infection.

she rang the doctors and they prescribed 5 days of antibiotics.

after those 5 days she said she felt a bit better although I noticed she had a cough and was still breathless. She is so stubborn always has been and said I'm fine stop worrying .

we managed to keep on and on and she went for a X-ray 

the results showed immediately that her right lung was obscured completely because of fluid - pleural effusion - this is when I googled and scared myself half to death 

she was then told she would have to wait two weeks for a ct scan. Ridiculous when u can hardly breathe .

she waited 5 days but then my dad took her to accident and emergency as she was so unwell and stressed 

they gave her a ct scan and drained 4 litres of raspberry coloured fluid from her lung.

she was told it could be infection

After this was done her breathing was like normal again but still had the cough.

another 2 weeks wait while they ran tests on her pleural fluid .

they told her to come in . They said they found some abnormal cells in her pleural fluid and she needed a biopsy of something on her right lung lining .

a week later that was done, she was fine in herself just we were all so worried constantly.

a week later she was back with a consultant with my dad.

they told her she had stage 3 lung cancer that had spread to lymph nodes on same side- adenocarcinoma 

devastated.

they said they would start chemo in 3 weeks but it was not curable and now had a tube in her back constantly so they could come to the home 3 times a week to drain her fluid.

about 5 days after this diagnosis she told me in the phone that she had been up all night with terrible stomach cramps, she told me she hadn't been eating properly because she was worried and that was probably why. So she tried eating a little more and drinking more . 
this didn't work and called the doctors 

they gave her laxatives . They said she was constipated.

a week went by she kept telling me it was a little better , as she hated worrying me..

she kept quiet how much pain she was actually in and each time I saw her she looked thinner and weaker. She told me it was trapped wind. In the end after her telling me over and over not to fuss I took her to gp, she told her to go to hospital and made her a appointment for 4 hours time.

2 days later !! After keeping on at them and her telling them how much pain she was in , she was scanned again where they found out she had a blood clot in her small bowel and needed emergency surgery or she wouldn't make it 24 hours .

omg the devastation, I didn't even get to the hospital on time before she was rushed to theatre I was literally just parking when my dad called and said she had already gone down , they said she was very unwell and might not make it. My heart shattered and can't really remember anything until the surgeon called 5 hours later at 9pm that night . My mum had made it through we were so happy and relieved . They had to remove 4 metres of bowel which only left her with a metre because it was all dead. She now had a stoma and paretial nutrition. 
she did great the first week in intensive care , she got a little infection in her tummy but antibiotics sorted that , she was hungry and asked for her favourite ready salted walkers crisps !

she had her iPad to watch movies - I downloaded the green Mile for her . We sat and held hands while she giggled at white chicks to. She had a smile that I hadn't seen for a while and she just wanted to get well so she could come home and start her chemo .

after 2 weeks they said she could move to a ward and she was so happy things were moving along . We were all looking forward to her coming home shortly .

after 1 day being on the ward she started saying she had a bad time the night before and whenever she drinks moves or takes tablets she was out of breath. This scared us. We asked the nurses what was wrong and they said she had possibly a little chest infection but she was having antibiotics. The next days she just got worse and worse and started calling dad crying asking him to pick her up . She wasn't answering our texts or phone calls . Her oxygen was dropping and she constantly had her oxygen increased . She kept saying sorry to us. She just wanted to come home . Those words will haunt me forever .

the last time I saw her awake was the when I took over from my dad, mum was sleepy and I kept looking at her face , she would open her eyes and squeeze my hand and go back to sleep. I told her I loved her she said I love you to . Then she said you can go I just want to sleep , I told the nurses to watch her as she kept getting panicky and hot and i was scared she would pull her mask off . So they got someone to stay with her .

i told her dad me and sisters would be back in morning .

dad called me at 4:40am crying saying the hospital had called saying mum is agitated and very unwell and we need to go in.

we got there , dad was playing mums favourite song. Whitney Houston endless love to her , she was unresponsive and they had given her morphine and midazolam to relax her . We never saw her awake again . She passed that day at 7pm peacefully just as me and my sisters left to go home to feed our animals before we were going to come back . My dad played her song to her and said , it's just me and you now gorgeous just like the old days , then he said she passed .

her cause of death was pneumonia .

i can't get my head around anything , I have family but I still feel alone , she was my rock , my mum .

sorry it's so long I needed to get this out , I feel your pain and I'm here to talk xxxxx hugs all

Thankyou for replying, yes all I want is a hug or for her to call me again , I need just her and she's not there , so hard to get your head around isn't it , I'm here for you we are in this together xxx big hugs 

I totally get it the one person you need the most isn't there and that is the worse feeling , we are definitely in the same boat 

hugs to you xx

Hi Angel,

During my mum's last moment of life, she saw her father (my grandad who I was named after) come to get her and not soon long after, she left us. I can't really go into detail of the how at this moment but it was quite inspirtational and I have no doubt at all that there is something else after we leave this mortal coil.

I am sure my mum is looking after me and looking down on me and that she isn't far away and I am sure that your mum is looking after you and you will see her again. We may never see them again in this timeframe but like my mum saw her father to come and take her away, you'll see mum one day. Take care.

I was having the same conversation with my dad just today, 

I said I wonder if mum is watching us and where she is or even who is she with, I really hope she's with my grandad and is safe and happy.

Thankyou so much for your kind words it has made me feel a little bit more at peace with things x