Hi I lost my mum three weeks ago, she was 60 she had oesophageal cancer, she fought for so long and so hard but she couldn't carry on, she had a terminal hemorage in the end which was horrific, my dad was there when it happened and called the ambulance, I had a call from my sister saying it's mum there's a lot of blood dads panicking so I tried to get there as quickly as I could within minutes she called me back saying I think she's gone so I said it's ok I'm on my way, I drove so fast I can't even remember how I got to the house when I arrived the paramedics where there, I looked at one of them and said she's gone hasn't she? To which he nodded and I knew it happened so quick and I went into carer mode I have my dad a hug whilst looking at my mum slumped in the chair , I ended up cleaning up and making sure my dad and sister didn't see my mum like that, when my sister arrived mum was in bed and I was finishing washing her face, the rest is a blur to be honest, we arranged the funeral, visited her in the chapel of rest then the funeral, my son was with me and was in pieces my dad was the other side of me in pieces, I didn't cry all I could hear was my mums voice in my head saying don't you cry don't you dare cry, so I didn't and haven't cried, I can't sleep without seeing my mum I feel numb empty and completely lost, it was so unfair for her to go like that I didn't say goodbye properly or even have a conversation with her when she was coherent and now I'm stuck in limbo with grief, I can't talk to my dad as I don't want to pile this on him and my sister the same so please someone give me some advice