My mum passed on 23rd March 2022, it was her funeral on 14th April. 

I moved from London in 2019 to live with her. The house is full of her things everywhere I look. 

She was diagnosed in September last year and had 4 cycles of chemo which made no difference, as it was still spreading. She suffered terribly with the pain in her legs after chemo, and didn't get any support from her doctor.

The day before she passed we had a phone call asking her to go in to hospital for a couple of days as her sodium level was low, and as she was so poorly we had to wait over 12 hours for an ambulance, by which time she was so poorly it took 3 hours to stabilise her, she passed a few hours later in A&E with me by her side. I couldn't believe I was losing her, I held her hand and told her I loved her and I was sorry and that she didn't need to fight any more. My heart shattered and I sat with her for ages after she passed, just holding her hand. She passed of sepsis and kidney failure, not her cancer. I haven't even unpacked the bag I did for her for hospital. 

Her last couple of weeks were so bad for her, she couldn't get to the toilet on her own and used to ring me overnight so I could get up to help her, etc. 

I just feel so lost now she's not here, and sob every day. I have no family, and only one friend up here, who has her own life with 4 children, so I can't burden her any more. 

We were supposed to go on holiday tomorrow and my friend said I should still go, but I feel so guilty. 

I feel so awful for telling my mum that she needed to eat, to drink, to try and do some exercise and things like that, I just kidded myself that she wasn't as bad as she was and can't forgive myself.