Hi LTcon, first of all may I offer my condolences to you on the loss of your mother.  I can relate to you completely because I went through a similar thing when my Mother died of cancer when I was 33.  Me and my sisters had been at the hospital with her that day and we came home in the evening because we were absolutely shattered and needed to sleep.  Later that night we got the dreaded phone call.......our mum was dying.  We got a taxi to the hospital only to be told that we were too late by about 3 minutes.  We were devastated.  You are still in the very early stages of grief, you are still in shock.  It's only been 3 months and what I can tell you is this:  Almost everyone who loses someone they love feels guilt afterwards........we always think that we could have done more, but reading your post it is so apparent that you did EVERYTHING that you possibly could for your Mother, and you must remember you are not super-human......none of us are.  You needed to sleep, you were exhausted, and I bet if your Mother could speak to you she would tell you how proud of you she is and how she knows that you looked after her and was there for her when she needed you the most.  What I can tell you is that one day, the raw, agonising pain that you are now feeling will subside......don't get me wrong.........you will never COMPLETELY get over the loss of your Mother........but you will come to a point of acceptance, and all of those lovely memories you shared with her will make you smile and laugh.  There are various stages of grief......after the shock and the guilt subsides comes the anger.......WHY did MY lovely Mother have to die?  WHY HER?  Again, this is very natural.  You will get through this my dear, but it takes time.  God bless you, xx

Thank you both so much for taking the time out to reply and sorry to hear that yous have went through very similar experiences

It's just such a strange time with a whole lot of emotions as yous will know yourself, of course I didn't want her to suffer any longer but I miss her sorely and just wish there was something more I could have done. Everything about life feels empty now without her and everyday is the same replaying her suffering over and over again. Yous give me hope that it may begin to get a little better with time, but I also feel like I don't want it to get better as in my mind right now that would feel as though I'm moving on from life with my Mum which I don't want because aswell as missing my Mum I also miss how life was with her here, it feels as though everything has changed now.

But thank yous again for reading my long rant and replying lol xxx

I totally get what you mean about the terminal agitation.  I had never heard about it until my dad went through it and the doctor explained. It's awful to witness and it's natural that we worry about what they are feeling. I know you feel bad about not being there for the moment your mum passed but maybe a greater power felt you had seen enough and she wanted to protect you from the visual memory. ... when my dad was making the gurgling sounds at one point it sounded like he was talking to my sister and I saying " I can't go", when my aunts was sat with us we didn't say what we thought we heard as thought they would think we was delirious.  When she was sat holding his hand and had another over his heart she said it sounded like he was saying " I've got to go". She decided to go down to the relatives room just for a few moments. It was literally 20 seconds or less he passed. We felt he was waiting for her to leave before he did. Not sure if any of this helps but I think that they pass when it feels its time and that maybe your dear mum was in some way trying to still protect you from trauma xxxzx

I totally get what you mean [@Hayleyerin]‍ , a few people have said this to me that perhaps my Mum was waiting until she was alone before letting go. She passed at 3:45 am Wednesday morning but earlier on in the Tuesday she was shouting at us to just go (out of her room) the thought had crossed my mind that at that point she was ready to go but held on so her family who she loved so much didn't witness her passing and waited until she was alone.

I had it planned in my head how I thought it was going to happen and I would be by her side until the very end, but nothing can actually prepare you for it and like I said the terminal agitation was quite traumatic and not what I was expecting nor was I ever spoken to about it. I just wish things were different.

Your message really helped, thank you xxx

I'm glad it helped. The years I had with my dad he never raised his voice or swore at me. He wasn't in my life from me being 5-19 due to his mental health. I'm now 41 and we both tried to make the best of a  different type of relationship.... when he was in the hospice and really struggling he actually individual told my sister and I to just '*** off and called us a pair of ***. It shocked me that much I laughed and took it as banter and told him how rude   bless him he was in so much pain with his legs and feet and wanted pulling up the bed every two mins. In my entire life and that of my sisters we never was allowed to have a sleepover and this was the first time we was with him overnight and omg what a awful time it was however I feel that it was meant to be. If their is a god I feel that we was meant to be the ones to physically,  mentally and maybe spirituality meant to have that night, we was ment to look after him. My aunts came back the following day. We later found out from the doctor that my sister and I along with my dad had been talk of the handover in the morning. They said that he really did have terminal agitation badly   they actually praised us for doing a good job but we didn't know any better we just thought it was what we was meant to do. They said they wouldn't have coped with his care if we wasn't there as they had full occupancy.  At one stage he called out for my mum which was tough as they have been split for 35 years.  If there is a spirit world I'm sure he could see someone coming to get him as he asked who was in the corner and 5 mins later was holding his arms out as if to greet them. I really feel we need to discuss with out own children the reality of death and what happens. It's not always a case of someone slipping away in their sleep and if does happen like that then the are so lucky not to experience a difficult death......

This is all such a hard stage in our lives and I hope we all get the strength needed buy having this page to vent and support xxx

Hiya

Im so sorry to hear about ur beuatiful mum. I came across this post as i am brcoming ill watching my mum with lung cancers mets to hip and skull go throught terminal agitatkln ..she cries 24 7..she was shouting st john the baptiste the other night...im petrified...she has 2 drivers and she still cant rest. We keep calling district nurses to inject her to sleep...she shouts no no nk no no ..its like torture...i feel so guilty...maybe she should have stayed in fhe hospice

Im worried i will be the same after this...and will always remember my mum terrified