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I will never forgive them!

Lewis2
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Hey. 
I don't know how or why I have ended up on this page, writing to myself but here I am!

My mother’s treatment in hospital opened my eyes to a policy of shameful neglect.

The first shock came when I found out my mother was dying. Understandably the NHS were under pressure due to the pandemic. This neglect wasn’t due to staff shortage, it was due to inadequate staff members, consultants that I pleaded  with to look at my mum again!

To then be accused of  being an incompetent daughter that shocked the nurses as to why I admitted my mum in hospital during a pendemic. 

The reason I reached out to the hospital was due to my mum struggling to breathe.  By this point I was ignored by the gp, COPD team and district nurses. After caring for mum for many years, I no longer had equipment at home to support her differing needs. I new something was wrong, I new it was cancer. I new it was inoperable, Incurable but Mum was discharged. I was dismissed by various sectors “reasuring me” there was no active cancer; 6 weeks later we had a stage 3/4 diagnosis and fluid on the heart.  I say "WE" as that wasn't mum's diagnosis, it was ours!

I stayed by her bedside for 6 days and held her hand, she died in my arms. They took my mum, my best friend, our children's Grandma, a sister, a friend! 

Covid didn’t do this…. 

 Incompetence did , staff shortages were not evident, the hospital was no where near capacity. The nurses chose to have wheel chair races in the corridor whilst I was pressing emergency call buttons to bring  fluid to support mum's breathing apparatus.  I watched and fought for food for my mum which didn't arrive yet the staff in their tea room were making tea and toast. 

Visitors were not allowed, my sister had to throw a pot noodle through the window to feed my mum.  3 hours I waited for boiling water to add, resulting in me walking into the staff room and “taking” their boiled water. 

 

I witnessed staff “calling” my family. 

Suddenly then offering food, asking me to sit my mum up in her final hours on the “driver” which I refused. Then asking what I would like to order for breakfast for her " Incase she's still here."

I listened to them lie to my mum.  Would you like a procedure that you problably won’t come through or I can give you a needle to help you breath? They told me not to tell her, she didn't need to know, i saw the delight in mum's eyes that the "needle will help" mum stated that's all she wanted and thanked them, I refused, she was my mum, she had a right to know!! They looked at me in disgust. 

 

My mum died, in my arms, I said I wanted to keep her dignity and change her, I was not prepared to see them pin a number on her - why would this be done infront of me?

 

I am so so angry. I feel so guilty that this happened, that she suffered, that I couldn’t do anything but watch.   It hurts, it hurts so much. 

 

Nothing hurts more than living without her each day. 

 

Since the day I left that hospital - no one has reached out to us.  
 

She may have been any number to them but she's OUR NUMBER 1  

Parents
  • Offline

    I am so sorry. This is such a heartbreaking situation and I can understand your devastation and raw anger. I can't offer more advice than that given by Jenn. I agree about contacting PALS, if only to try to ensure that no one else goes through this. xxx

  • Offline in reply to EllaW

    My mother died in hospital of ovarian cancer, 4 weeks after her diagnosis. I then went into early labor with my twins. Suffice to say, it was not an easy time for me or my husband.

     

    My mother had been going downhill for months, but was fobbed off and even offered physio for what was obviously something dire.  In her own words she "felt she was dying" but she was ignored.

     

    When she was eventually admitted it was abundantly clear that there was no hope. The nurses were vile, they really could not have been more callous. Even 13 years later I hate those women with a ferocity that surprises me.  I'm usually pretty good at seeing others points of view but the way these ladies treated my dying mother led me to believe that some nurses are attracted to the profession for power over the helpless, and not for the noble calling we always assume.

    The MacMillan nurse liaison was by far the worst.  Bearing in mind I was 7 months pregnant, at 41, with a very risky monochorionic twin pregnancy, I asked the MacMillan nurse, in what I thought was strictly between us, what to expect if I took my mother home.  Eg, would she become incontinent before she passed? I had obvious, practical reasons for asking. I wanted to be prepared and I wanted to make things as comfortable for my mother as I could.  I asked what would happen if I went into early labor, and she laughably suggested I "pop mum in a taxi to us".  This was a patient with terminal cancer, who was unable to walk, had a catheter and was occasionally delirious. 

    To my total horror, the MacMillan nurse told my mother the entire content of our discussion, leading my mother to decline to come home to me. She was upset and hurt that I would be worried about her weeing the bed etc, which was in no way at all what I had meant!

     

    My mother died a few days later. She died thinking I didn't want her. It has taken me 13 years to accept that there is nothing I can do and as I raise my own daughters all I can do is advocate for them and for myself should the worst ever happen.  People are not saints and sometimes they're in the wrong job and they should be ashamed. 

Reply
  • Offline in reply to EllaW

    My mother died in hospital of ovarian cancer, 4 weeks after her diagnosis. I then went into early labor with my twins. Suffice to say, it was not an easy time for me or my husband.

     

    My mother had been going downhill for months, but was fobbed off and even offered physio for what was obviously something dire.  In her own words she "felt she was dying" but she was ignored.

     

    When she was eventually admitted it was abundantly clear that there was no hope. The nurses were vile, they really could not have been more callous. Even 13 years later I hate those women with a ferocity that surprises me.  I'm usually pretty good at seeing others points of view but the way these ladies treated my dying mother led me to believe that some nurses are attracted to the profession for power over the helpless, and not for the noble calling we always assume.

    The MacMillan nurse liaison was by far the worst.  Bearing in mind I was 7 months pregnant, at 41, with a very risky monochorionic twin pregnancy, I asked the MacMillan nurse, in what I thought was strictly between us, what to expect if I took my mother home.  Eg, would she become incontinent before she passed? I had obvious, practical reasons for asking. I wanted to be prepared and I wanted to make things as comfortable for my mother as I could.  I asked what would happen if I went into early labor, and she laughably suggested I "pop mum in a taxi to us".  This was a patient with terminal cancer, who was unable to walk, had a catheter and was occasionally delirious. 

    To my total horror, the MacMillan nurse told my mother the entire content of our discussion, leading my mother to decline to come home to me. She was upset and hurt that I would be worried about her weeing the bed etc, which was in no way at all what I had meant!

     

    My mother died a few days later. She died thinking I didn't want her. It has taken me 13 years to accept that there is nothing I can do and as I raise my own daughters all I can do is advocate for them and for myself should the worst ever happen.  People are not saints and sometimes they're in the wrong job and they should be ashamed. 

Children

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