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Feeling Lost...

StormyBlue
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Hi All,
This is my first post to this forum after lurking and reading advice for the last 12 months. My wonderful Mum passed away a couple of weeks ago and I'm feeling so confused and angry.
Confused over how it could have happened already - it was very quick with even medical professionals saying how shocked they were that she'd passed.
But I'm angry that my last thoughts of Mum aren't the pleasant memories that everyone else had. They're of her pleading with me to help her and her being aggressive in the final days of her life. It's all I can see when I think of her.
I tried to make sure Mum had everything she wanted/needed in her last months as I was her sole carer. I made sure I advocated for treatment she did/didn't want and made sure she was able to pass away at home, as she'd asked... but it still doesn't feel like enough, because she was in distress at the end.
I'm 27 and have lost both parents now and I just feel very alone. I've been through the loss of a parent before and know the pattern... you're surrounded by people until everyone just moves on with living their life (rightly so). Last time, I had Mum here for support. Now, I'm not sure what to do.
I'm scared to grieve because I'm worried that, if I fall apart, I won't be able to stick myself together again but I also feel that I'm doing my Mum a disservice by withholding my emotions.
Does anyone have any advice? I'm just so lost and don't know what to do at the moment.
Thank you -x-

  • Welcome to Cancer Chat StormyBlue although I'm really sorry to be meeting you under these circumstances and you have my heartfelt condolences for your loss.

    Sadly, not everyone has a peaceful passing and I'm sorry this wasn't the case for your mum. As you'll see here, agitation and aggression are quite common at the end of life. I know this doesn't take away the pain or trauma of what you experienced but please don't blame yourself for what happened. You managed to get your mum home and look after her in the last days of her life and I'm sure she was so grateful for this and everything else you had done to make sure she was safe and well looked after.

    As you know, there is no right or wrong way to grieve, but if you feel like you're really struggling you could get in touch with your GP for further support or advice or possibly a bereavement counselling service such as Cruse or Sue Ryder. 

    I'm sure some of our members who have contended with similar thoughts and memories during their grief will be along soon to offer you their support and advice but in the meantime I want you to know that we're here for you and will do all we can to help you through this very difficult time.

    Sending support and big virtual hugs your way StormyBlue.

    Kind regards,

    Steph, Cancer Chat Moderator

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    Hi there, 

    I am so sorry to read about your mam and your dad. I can't imagine how you must be feeling. I lost my mam last year (feels horrible saying last year already) when she was 53 and I was 26. It was very quick for us too, and the treatment my mam had was terrible. Mess up after mess up! I feel so angry when I think about it now and wonder if they had actually done one thing right, would she still be here. You did your absolute best for your mam when you were caring for her and she would know that and I'm sure she would be so proud! The feeling of being lost is so massive and you just have to put one foot in front of the other and try your best to make it through the horrible days, weeks, months! I found that writing down memories of my mam helped me, because even now I have flashbacks of her being similar to your mam and being a bit aggressive in the last few days and begging us to help her because of her pain and begging us not to let her die. When I have those thoughts I try and think of us on holiday or at Christmas and remember her as my amazing mam and not what that horrible disease did to her. Trying to get out of the house to the beach or somewhere like a park feels like it helps me a little bit. Take care and my inbox is always open if you need to talk xx 

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    Please know that what you did for your precious mum as her sole carer would have meant everything to her & would have made her so proud. I did the same & looking back can't even fathom where I got the strength to keep going, when I now look at myself 7 months later & I just feel so broken & done that now I'm struggling to function even with the simplest of tasks. I'm really worried too about being able to get myself back to some sort of living. Right now I can't see how it's possible but tomorrow I will sit down & talk to a grief counselor who's been helping me for almost a year now. This is something I would really recommend as for me, I really want to talk about my mum. I need to, but like you said, everyone else has gone on with their lives & so I don't want to always bring up my mum & how sad I am to my friends. My councellor is just so lovely & let's me talk, cry...whatever I need to do. I too lost my dad, just 10 weeks before my mum so I also get the feeling of being lost now. I wish I had some good advice other than talking to someone but just wanted you to know that you are not alone in this nightmare. Just make sure you give yourself credit for the incredible gift of care & love that you gave your mum. You stepped up when your mum needed you most & for that you should be very proud. ️

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