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Feeling Lost...

StormyBlue
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Hi All,
This is my first post to this forum after lurking and reading advice for the last 12 months. My wonderful Mum passed away a couple of weeks ago and I'm feeling so confused and angry.
Confused over how it could have happened already - it was very quick with even medical professionals saying how shocked they were that she'd passed.
But I'm angry that my last thoughts of Mum aren't the pleasant memories that everyone else had. They're of her pleading with me to help her and her being aggressive in the final days of her life. It's all I can see when I think of her.
I tried to make sure Mum had everything she wanted/needed in her last months as I was her sole carer. I made sure I advocated for treatment she did/didn't want and made sure she was able to pass away at home, as she'd asked... but it still doesn't feel like enough, because she was in distress at the end.
I'm 27 and have lost both parents now and I just feel very alone. I've been through the loss of a parent before and know the pattern... you're surrounded by people until everyone just moves on with living their life (rightly so). Last time, I had Mum here for support. Now, I'm not sure what to do.
I'm scared to grieve because I'm worried that, if I fall apart, I won't be able to stick myself together again but I also feel that I'm doing my Mum a disservice by withholding my emotions.
Does anyone have any advice? I'm just so lost and don't know what to do at the moment.
Thank you -x-

Parents
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    Hi there, 

    I am so sorry to read about your mam and your dad. I can't imagine how you must be feeling. I lost my mam last year (feels horrible saying last year already) when she was 53 and I was 26. It was very quick for us too, and the treatment my mam had was terrible. Mess up after mess up! I feel so angry when I think about it now and wonder if they had actually done one thing right, would she still be here. You did your absolute best for your mam when you were caring for her and she would know that and I'm sure she would be so proud! The feeling of being lost is so massive and you just have to put one foot in front of the other and try your best to make it through the horrible days, weeks, months! I found that writing down memories of my mam helped me, because even now I have flashbacks of her being similar to your mam and being a bit aggressive in the last few days and begging us to help her because of her pain and begging us not to let her die. When I have those thoughts I try and think of us on holiday or at Christmas and remember her as my amazing mam and not what that horrible disease did to her. Trying to get out of the house to the beach or somewhere like a park feels like it helps me a little bit. Take care and my inbox is always open if you need to talk xx 

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    Hi there, 

    I am so sorry to read about your mam and your dad. I can't imagine how you must be feeling. I lost my mam last year (feels horrible saying last year already) when she was 53 and I was 26. It was very quick for us too, and the treatment my mam had was terrible. Mess up after mess up! I feel so angry when I think about it now and wonder if they had actually done one thing right, would she still be here. You did your absolute best for your mam when you were caring for her and she would know that and I'm sure she would be so proud! The feeling of being lost is so massive and you just have to put one foot in front of the other and try your best to make it through the horrible days, weeks, months! I found that writing down memories of my mam helped me, because even now I have flashbacks of her being similar to your mam and being a bit aggressive in the last few days and begging us to help her because of her pain and begging us not to let her die. When I have those thoughts I try and think of us on holiday or at Christmas and remember her as my amazing mam and not what that horrible disease did to her. Trying to get out of the house to the beach or somewhere like a park feels like it helps me a little bit. Take care and my inbox is always open if you need to talk xx 

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