Husband refusing help. What to do??!?

Hi all, first time post but I'm getting more concerned by the day. My husband was diagnosed with stage 4 metastatic melanoma and it's spread to his lung, liver and spine. He recently had spinal surgery and soon after release had his second immunotherapy treatment. He seemed to have picked up some sort of nasty chest infection and now has no appetite whatsoever. He has THE WORST diorrhea and sleeps for around 18 hours a day. I'm really concerned that these are side effects from immunotherapy. He's collapsed a couple of times which is scary. They seemed to stress the importance of reporting any sides early, so that they can intervene but he doesn't want to go back to hospital. He was waiting three weeks for his surgery and thinks if he goes back he won't ever come home again. Were quite a young couple. I'm 34 and not in any way qualified to deal with this, but he's so irritable and I can't seem to say or do anything right. I can't force him to go seek help or let me do it. He has an older brother. Should I try to arrange an intervention and convince him it's the right thing to get this checked out, or am I wrong for trying to force him into stuff? 

  • Welcome to the Cancer Chat community Joomagoo although I'm very sorry to hear your husband has been diagnosed with stage 4 metastatic melanoma.

    It sounds like things have been very difficult for the two of you recently but if you're worried about the possible side effects and symptoms he's currently displaying, including the episodes when he's collapsed, then it may be worth getting in touch with his medical team for advice. If they're not available at this time, you can seek out medical advice from the NHS on 111.

    Coming to terms with a cancer diagnosis can be really tough and it sounds like your husband is contending with a lot of emotions. I hope some of the tips and advice we have on managing these feelings will help but if you feel he may benefit from talking to someone instead then you're very welcome to give him our cancer nurses telephone number. They're available Monday - Friday between 9a.m - 5p.m on 0808 800 4040 and will do everything they can to help.

    Supporting a loved one with cancer can be just as challenging but you're not alone as many of our members have been on this journey so will understand what you're going through at the moment and will hopefully be along soon to offer their support and advice. I hope this information we have for family and friends will help but you are also very welcome to give our cancer nurses a call as they offer information, support and advice to anyone who has been affected by cancer, not just those who have been diagnosed.

    I really do hope my reply has helped somewhat and you're able to figure out what to do soon.

    Best wishes to you both,

    Steph, Cancer Chat Moderator

  • Hi,

    Your husband really needs to contact his team - it doesn't necessarily mean he will be taken into hospital but it's very important they know he's suffering from side effects as soon as possible otherwise it's harder to treat him. He should have been given an out of hours number to contact his team. Most side effects can be sorted out but leaving it will only make things worse. I hope you can get him to ring them.

    Angie (Stage 3 melanoma patient since 2009)

  • Hi Angie 

    Wow 2009!!

     

    Thanks, he finally accepted this morning that he's not getting any better at home and needs to accept the help available. They're going to take bloods, scan his chest and take urine and stool samples to see what's been affected but they agreed that it does seem like side effects from immunotherapy. 

    I'm just so glad he got on board and finally let me call them for him. Think he was trying to bury his head in the sand and hope it washed over. 

     

     

  • Organising an intervention behind his back is just likely to get his back up and make things a whole lot worse. That said I really don't know what to advise. When I'm really ill I just want to be left alone and can't be bothered with anyone.