Hi New here, bear with me :confused:
I've been reading through others experiences on here and thought it might be good to join up and speak about mine too as I keep it all in so I can be the strong one for my parents. I'm having a really hard time with it all now and don't have anywhere to go to.
Last November my dad went for some results we just thought he'd slipped a disc as it was pain that was his main symptom, and we found out he has metastatic prostate cancer and is terminal. I found out I was pregnant on the same day, lovely little boy named after my dad now. I think I've been in denial to be honest and now he's just getting worse and worse everyday and I suppose it's sunk in more. I don't think he'll be here with us at Christmas, and I'm usually the positive one.
What I'm struggling with is trying to make sure I'm the strong one for my mum to talk to as we're so close and she's just lost her dad aswell, so I'm trying to make sure I can help organising things, taking care of what ever they need, so I don't want to talk to her about how I'm feeling as I don't want to add to anything. We both deal with things differently. This means I haven't anyone to talk to. I'm also answering lots of questions from my eldest daughter who is besotted with her grandad, slowly losing the strength to be able to hold it together.
I honestly don't know how to cope with all these feelings now that it's suddenly sunk in what's happening, and it doesn't seem like he'll be with us much longer now. Hoping maybe to hear from someone that can relate? I jump at the sound of my phone incase it's my mum saying what's dreaded, I don't think I go five minutes without worrying, and I can't imagine him actually leaving us.
I recently wrote the poem I want to read at his funeral (it's just a weird coping mechanism to have everything in order while he's here and yet still almost be able to pretend it isn't real because he's still here?) I fill my evenings with his favourite music that I love, and I've planned things like visiting him at the chapel of rest (which my mum really isn't happy about I don't think) which has helped a bit I just need things planned so I can process it all; so I'm doing all these little things to try to help myself come to terms with it all but it's really, really lonely and I'm worried that I'll end up having a total breakdown over it all.
