Cancer Research UK main site

Trying to be strong for parents, dad end of life

Brown1994
Offline

Hi New here, bear with me :confused: 

I've been reading through others experiences on here and thought it might be good to join up and speak about mine too as I keep it all in so I can be the strong one for my parents. I'm having a really hard time with it all now and don't have anywhere to go to. 
 

Last November my dad went for some results we just thought he'd slipped a disc as it was pain that was his main symptom, and we found out he has metastatic prostate cancer and is terminal. I found out I was pregnant on the same day, lovely little boy named after my dad now. I think I've been in denial to be honest and now he's just getting worse and worse everyday and I suppose it's sunk in more. I don't think he'll be here with us at Christmas, and I'm usually the positive one. 
 

What I'm struggling with is trying to make sure I'm the strong one for my mum to talk to as we're so close and she's just lost her dad aswell, so I'm trying to make sure I can help organising things, taking care of what ever they need, so I don't want to talk to her about how I'm feeling as I don't want to add to anything. We both deal with things differently. This means I haven't anyone to talk to. I'm also answering lots of questions from my eldest daughter who is besotted with her grandad, slowly losing the strength to be able to hold it together.
 

I honestly don't know how to cope with all these feelings now that it's suddenly sunk in what's happening, and it doesn't seem like he'll be with us much longer now. Hoping maybe to hear from someone that can relate? I jump at the sound of my phone incase it's my mum saying what's dreaded, I don't think I go five minutes without worrying, and I can't imagine him actually leaving us. 
 

I recently wrote the poem I want to read at his funeral (it's just a weird coping mechanism to have everything in order while he's here and yet still almost be able to pretend it isn't real because he's still here?) I fill my evenings with his favourite music that I love, and I've planned things like visiting him at the chapel of rest (which my mum really isn't happy about I don't think) which has helped a bit I just need things planned so I can process it all; so I'm doing all these little things to try to help myself come to terms with it all but it's really, really lonely and I'm worried that I'll end up having a total breakdown over it all.

  • Hi Brown1994,

    Firstly welcome to Cancer Chat. I'm so sorry to hear about what you're going through. This is an awful lot to deal with and I can completely understand this must be incredibly difficult and a lot to handle.

    It sounds like you are dealing with things well, but it's also important that you have your own outlets as well to help reduce the pressure on you in being strong and supporting others.

    Hopefully you have other family and/or friends around you that you can speak to, as it's important to speak to others as a kind of release. Either way, there are other options too - such as this forum. This will always be a safe space for you to write things down and to reach out to others who understand and who may have similar experience to share.

    In addition to this, if you'd like to explore support from organisations who can help, then have a look at Macmillan and Maggie's, who both have good resources.

    As I say, try to look after yourself as well as those around you. Find time for you to focus on something you enjoy now and then, as well as speaking to others around you.

    Hopefully you'll receive further replies soon. Take care and as I say, we're always here for support.

    Wishing you all the best,

    Ben
    Cancer Chat Moderator

  • Offline

    Hiya you must take care of yourself as well and try to talk to somebody but I’m here if you need to chat I lost my husband 9months ago and I no it’s hard lv annie

  • Offline

    Hi,

    I just wanted to firstly say I really am so sorry to hear about your dad & what you are all going through together.

    It's utterly heartbreaking & so painful isn't it? I am in exactly the same position with my mum I have done similar stuff to you too as time is so limited & I can't deal with the unexpected even though we have been told it's going to happen ( hope this makes sense ) , I can imagine we're not on our own with it, It kills me to even think of what's coming next.

    I try my best to read up about everything & find out what could be next because i need to know for myself, I find this helps but again like yourself my brain will not stop for 5 minutes, I get the same lonileness feeling it's like no one around me can give me what I need, I need my mum she's my whole universe & I no I am lucky enough that she's still here & I can see her I am so greatful for this but with her circumstances shes deteriorating rapidly & it's awful to watch.

    I think just having someone who understands what your going through or who you can talk to when you need too might help, I totally get your message though am doing the exact same & I hope somewhere you can find comfort & release.

    I am thinking of you & your family but please feel free to add me if you want, I would be so happy to chat & help you along if I could xx

     

Speak to a nurse

Quick links

Follow us

Registered with Fundraising Regulator (logo)
Cancer Research UK is a registered charity in England and Wales (1089464), Scotland (SC041666), the Isle of Man (1103) and Jersey (247). A company limited by guarantee. Registered company in England and Wales (4325234) and the Isle of Man (5713F). Registered address: 2 Redman Place, London, E20 1JQ.