Hi Sydie,

Welcome to Cancer Chat. Firstly I'm so sorry to read of what you and your husband are going through. I can only imagine how incredibly difficult this must be.

As you say, sometimes treatment can make people act or react differently. Sometimes also people may act differently as a kind of coping mechanism, which can cause them to treat loved ones harshly.

I'm sure you're doing a great job in supporting him so hopefully this behaviour will improve a little soon. If it continues, perhaps you could try putting your feelings into a letter and giving it to him, if it feels difficult to speak or if he's not listening.

Do also make sure you're getting your own support too and speaking to others where you can. That can of course also include us on the forum, and we're always here for support whenever you need it.

Organisations such as Macmillan and Maggie's can offer valuable support and resources too so do reach out to them if you would find this helpful.

Hopefully you'll also receive further replies on here soon.

Wishing you all the best,

Ben
Cancer Chat Moderator

Hi Sydie,

It really is cruel isn't it? You're family have this awful situation and then on top of that, you have this change in your husbands behaviour.

My wife is in a similar position, although we think it's still the treatable phase, given that she has mets in her lungs and lymph nodes and is particularly bad in her Liver I just don't know. What I have noticed is that her world has become very small and many of the things that were important, just don't figure now. We still get on well, although she is in hospital at the moment and seems more distant and it really hurts because, as much as I'm being cut up inside, I want to be there for her, but, not to take away from our terrible burdon, I reason it out by thinking that, our partners have these horrendous disgnoses and they are in a position where their survival is threatened which makes them consider themselves first and fore most. I don't know if there is any scientific basis behind that, but it helps me to reason it out - doesn't make it easy for those of us who love them though.

I think Ben has also given some really good advice.

Hope you manage to get some response.

Take Care

Si X

Hi Si

 thanks for your reply and I'm sorry you also feel distanced from your partner. 
I agree that the priority changes and can understand our loved ones putting themselves first.  When we were first told the prognosis I recall saying to my husband ' whatever you want to do, just do it, doesn't matter what others think and that includes me' .  At the time when I said that I meant it was important for him to do what was/is right for him.  I just didn't expect it to include the way he is being with me. He has told me he doesn't care about my feelings (which upsets me!) I do feel he's lashing out at me as I'm the only one here, so I can see what Ben means with what he said. 
After he's nasty to me I say all it would take is a sorry and a hug but that never happens. It's really difficult to do my best for him when he seems not to care how much he's hurting me. 
I'm starting to question our whole relationship and maybe he is now showing how he truly feels toward me. I don't know what's best as I can't see that this is good for him either.  His chemo finishes in a few weeks and I'm just hoping things are better then.  His family don't live near but visit now + then, he's always fine with them. 
It's so sad and hurtful the wedge that is developing between us.  I don't know how long I'll cope with constantly being pushed away. 
I hope your wife is home from hospital soon if not already.  It really is such a cruel illness for all involved. 
Sending you warm wishes 

Sydie