Cancer Research UK main site

Dad has lung cancer, but I am supposed to be moving abroad

Pennywise
Offline

Hello All

first time poster, well here goes. My dad has cancer , I guess those words can hit you like a piece of lead. He has lung cancer back in December 2019 my dad was experiencing shoulder pain , breathlessness and goes for a scan and biopsy, turns out to be lung cancer. Needless to say we are shocked as he is not a smoker, but my grandad was.
 

My relationship with my dad has been rather strained for the last few yrs , due to him being controlling and a lot of other things. They did radiation treatment on the cancer but it did not seem to work so have now started chemo, my dad is 77 so it will take a toll on him I am assuming. My mum is looking after him with support from me and my wife. 
 

I am at a crossroads and I am supposed to be moving abroad to the US this year. My wife is from the states and moved here to the UK 3yrs ago, it's been tough for her and it's been a strain on the marriage as she always said she would try it out here but wants to go back to Florida. I am not diisagreeing with her as I want to go too, the opportunities for both of us are much better and for our two kids.

I have one sister here who is controlling , and expects me to be here , because if not then she has to look after them. I am feeling like my head is scrambled and can't think straight. We have support over there in the states with my wife's family there. 
 

my dad has been putting on a brave front, we have not seen eye to eye on many things and it's a lot to do with him rejecting me, I tried to work with him on business ventures but got rejected. It has in fact pushed me away . 
 

I know if I stay it will be additional added on pressure to an already strained marriage, my wife is wonderful and has put up with a lot , even with my parents who are not the easiest of folks , my dad will not even greet us at the door sometimes when we come to visit he will simply open the door and walk away. I am not selfish by any means and could have moved over to the USA when I got married but stayed in the hope of building things up with the family here that has not been the case. I know my wife and kids are what matters but can't help thinking about mum who I am close too but I know long term my prospects are better abroad. 
 

looking for advice , thanks all 

  • Offline

    Hi Pennywise, guilt gets us all doesn't it, but you need to put your wife and family first as they are your future.  I spent years trying to please my Dad but nothing worked until I walked away from it all, he then reached out to me but like your Dad he got cancer.  So I did all that I could, travelled hundreds of miles to see him but when he died the Will he left basically denied my existence.  So my point is that some people never change no matter how hard you try.  Dad should have a McMillan nurse, the GP surgery can also help, get paid help organised if Mum can't cope as there is money that can be claimed when you have cancer, again speak to McMillan they will help.  Marie Curie can also help when he is nearing the end, my friend aged 75 has just died and they were with her at her home until the end.  My husband is 75 with incurable lung cancer so I do know how you all feel.  Take control and put things in place to make it easier, if they don't want this help then why should you sacrifice everything when life can be so much easier for you all.  My brother did very little for my Mum when she was ill but some siblings always do more, that's the way it is.  Let me know how  it goes. Carol 

  • Offline

    I agree with Dor06.  Your Dad may be around for a few years yet, but your wife may not?  Do something your Dad never did, put your kids first.

    Sorry for your news & good luck for the future.

  • Offline

    Hello Pennywise,

                                your Dad has lived his life,why should you not do the same.Any good parent would never seek to stand in the way of their childrens lives,and would be upset to find they had done.Make your peace before you go,and good luck,

                                                                         David

  • Offline in reply to Dor06

    Carol

    thank you for your reply, it's good to know that there is help from Macmillan, something I did not know about. I am sorry to hear about your husband also , I hope that you are coping well and have the support that you need. 
    Yes my dad has broken a lot promises over the years, my wife on tolerates him because of me, when we come to visit him if it's him answering the door he will unlock the door open and walk off. My wife finds it very disrespectful but holds it in because of the situation. 

    the other issue is my sister , she lives in the same town is married into money and is seen as the golden star in his eyes at least. The ironic thing here is that her husband never comes round to visit my parents , but yet my sister will defend or make excuses for him. She has now layed it on to me that I must stay here as to give support , that I should just look for a better job here but I must not move. She is being narcissistic. I am at the point where I just ignore her. 

    I have some tough decisions to make 
     

     

  • Offline in reply to Eggman

    Egg man 

    thank you for your reply. Your right I need to think long term and my wife is my priority, the fact I know my folks will probably resent me and the extended family will judge me . But I have also sacrificed enough , I need to pursue my dreams and ambitions.

  • Offline in reply to gruntifen

    Thanks David for your reply.

    my dad and mum both are against the idea of me moving, the instigator in a lot of this is my sister. If things were different then we probably could have had a better relationship but the strain and distance is due to him. I used to live in Kuala Lumpur in 2006 and my sister forced me back to the uk after 2yrs as she was getting married, again she said I needed to come back to look after and support the folks. I have to cut ties and put my wife as the priority.

  • Offline in reply to Pennywise

    If your sister has money then she can pay for help.  Sometimes in life we need to do what is best for our family, in your case, wife and children.  Trust me it will all come right in the end because once you make a clear choice and walk away knowing you've done your best you will not regret it.  My brother is also very controlling but I walked away from it all even the family business and I have never once regretted it.  They are all still arguing amongst themselves whilst I have two grown daughters, two lovely son in laws and three gorgeous grandchildren and they are my future.  So be brave and make the right choices.  Good luck and all the best for a happy future.  Carol

Speak to a nurse

Quick links

Follow us

Registered with Fundraising Regulator (logo)
Cancer Research UK is a registered charity in England and Wales (1089464), Scotland (SC041666), the Isle of Man (1103) and Jersey (247). A company limited by guarantee. Registered company in England and Wales (4325234) and the Isle of Man (5713F). Registered address: 2 Redman Place, London, E20 1JQ.