Cancer Research UK main site
  • Replies 4 replies
  • Views 627 views
  • Users 0 members are here

Father in law has terminal brain cancer

Vcass
Offline

Hi all, 

Im looking for some advice. My father in law was disgnosed with terminal brain cancer about 4 months ago which was devastating for all of us, not least my husband. Until now my father in law has been doing incredibly well- walking everyday, taking lots of vitamins and eating well. He had an intesnsive 5 day course of chemo which finished about 3 weeks ago and since then he has really gone downhill. He can hardly walk, has had some falls and has bouts of confusion. Its very upsetting to see and he is feeling very depressed. 

My husband is doing incredibly well and is helping his mum look after his dad on a daily basis but as his dad is getting worse he is getting very stressed and upset. I am trying to support him but I just feel so useless. I have tried to get him to open up about how he is feeling but he gets annoyed. I have tried backing off and waiting for him to open up when he is ready but then he thinks I dont care. I dont know what to do! I am obviously upset aswell, but I feel like I need to be strong for him.

I guess my question is - does anyone else have experience of this, and what is the best way to handle it? 

Thank you x

  • Offline

    Dear Vcass

    So very sorry that you and your loved ones are undergoing this. 

    I was in the same position as your husband and I completely cut out my partner as I simply didn't have the time or headspace to deal with another person. It is all consuming. My focus was my parents. It caused many rows with my partner, culminating in an ultimatum that either he accepts that this is how it is for the time being or he has to leave. He accepted that I had other priorities and set about caring for me, without questions or demands, when I needed it.  I'm grateful he did.

    After my Dad was diagnosed I called my GP,  because each morning I awoke with tears pouring down my cheeks, who referred me to counselling. It took a couple of weeks to locate one but it did help - having a stranger who just listened. I also called Macmillan for advice on the course of the disease. 

    Just be there for him - decent food, a ready ear if he wants to talk, clean clothes, a walking companion, a kiss.

    This will be very tough on his Mum too. Perhaps you could ease her load - which in turn will ease your husband's - offer domestic help, cook, take her for walk or a drive so she has a break?

    Brain cancer is unpredictable and my advice would be to attempt get everything in place before it is needed. Your husband could speak to his Dad's GP for advice, eg help for mobility, safety, district nurses, macmillan nurses. He might not need it at the moment but it is there in case things change.

    Take care of yourself too x

     

  • Offline

    Hi, I have no real advice I just wanted to let you know I'm going through something similar. My mother in law has secondary brain cancer and it's really tough. She doesn't have a partner and my husband is her only son and I often feel like I am absolutely no help. Just getting in the way. He hasn't really said how he feels about anything but I don't force him, I just try to be helpful by doing the little things around the house that he has forgot and giving him space when he needs it. It's really tough as I feel like a spare part. 
     

    Try and stay strong. I hope your husband opens up to you soon ️ ️

  • Offline in reply to AnnaK21

    Dear AnnaK21, 

    Thanks so much for your kind reply. It is really helpful to hear it from someone who has been in my husbands position, to help me understand how he must be feeling. I am trying to be there for him. Sometimes he will open up completely out of the blue, and then I try to engage with him and he shuts down again. I have found it better to just listen rather than ask too many questions.

    I am trying to make everything as easy as possible for him, so he comes back to a nice tidy house, have dinner ready - although Im not a very good cook! ha ha 
    His mum likes to make out that she is tough cookie, and I keep saying she needs to take some time to herself while we look after him. She keeps agreeing but never does it!

    Luckily my husband and his mum have been very proactive with seeking help from the GP and someone came yesterday with lots of mobilty aids etc. He also has a nurse coming for the first time today to help on a regular basis which will take the pressure off slightly. His dad is very stubborn so we arent quite sure how willing he is to accept help from someone else!

    Anyway, thanks again. Take care xx

     

  • Offline in reply to Peach87

    Dear Peach87,

    Thank you for replying to me. I am sorry to hear about your mother in law. It is very hard isnt it!

    Im sure you are a massive help to your husband and not getting in the way at all. I have found that just being there is all he needs, however useless I feel.

    We have 2 kittens aswell which bring a lot of laughter when everything around is rubbish. I am grateful for them and they bring a smile to both our faces, even in the tough times!

    Take care of yourself xx

Speak to a nurse

Quick links

Follow us

Registered with Fundraising Regulator (logo)
Cancer Research UK is a registered charity in England and Wales (1089464), Scotland (SC041666), the Isle of Man (1103) and Jersey (247). A company limited by guarantee. Registered company in England and Wales (4325234) and the Isle of Man (5713F). Registered address: 2 Redman Place, London, E20 1JQ.