me again.not sure that I have posted in the right place 

Hi, 

we seem to belong to the same club, oesophageal cancer club that is- one we'd both rather not be in .

my husband was diagnosed 10 weeks ago, totally unexpected  and we/he has just completed the four FLOT chemo's before planned surgery.

ah yes the word 'support' and an even better one 'coping'. What on earth do either of them mean, or even look like?. I have no idea.
I get up, see to the kids , go to work etc, every day same as I always did. Sometimes I feel sad, other times it is almost not there. Sometimes so angry I could explode. Of course what is that saying women are from Venus, men from mars. Very different in how we deal with same emotions. We both are angry, depressed then still manage to laugh together.

As for being the 'whipping boy', yep we've had our moments, but I give it back in spadeloads, reminding him loudly that I'm not too happy about it either. 
the whole COVID thing - well it is Halloween I guess! . I thought with the first lockdown 'can it get any worse, then it did with the diagnosis, now this again!!!!
i mean really, what can we do apart from carry on.

Hi,

When was your husbands diagnosis?

It's such a awful time, not that there is a good time, to be going through anything where you need support. For both of you.

My husband was diagnosed a month into the 1st lockdown and we didn't get 'offered' any support. Just had a 4 weekly call with the oncologist. It is slowly starting to get better now but that's only because he has become so poorly in such a short space of time and it doesn't look like its the disease, they think it's the chemotherapy. Although until scans are seen we can't be sure.

Do you have any involvement with a Macmillan Nurse? or even a Clinical Nurse Specialist who was assigned to your husband when he was diagnosed?

Hi there ... 

Firstly, I'm no expert ... just a lot of personal experience over the years ...  and it's just the way l look at things ... having been / going through grade 3 breast cancer in 2017 ... and having a lot of family going through cancer / dementure and cystic fibrosis... to mention a few..

Firstly , understand if they were grumpy befor cancer, that's just them, and then although we can empathise, we should not take abuse .. walk away ... it's probly who they are , cancer or not ..

Then there's those gentle souls who get something like cancer, and trust me, it rocks our world, and everything changes ... and we have to give over any control we had, to those experts , Drs, oncologist.. so we loose the person we were ... it's really scary ..

So if they were gentle before, understand it's the cancer that's talking .. that's overwhelming... that changes emotions ... now that's empathy , not sympathy ... so remember when they "loose it" it's may just be the cancer talking ... saying that.. it's the reason, not an excuse to bully and be crule to those trying to help ... 

Like a child with a tantrum, if you give in to their anger , it's like a naughty child, they will keep it up .. sometimes there's no one else to take it out on .. so don't take it personally... let it go over your head and remove yourself from them while they rant at you ... just say calmly, l will not take your anger at me .. I'll come back if when your calmer .. and go .. make a tea .. listen to music .. visit a friend or call them .. realise it's not going to work to get angry .. 

As soon as they are calmer , or may even cry .. say it's o.k .. hold their hand and tell them, you'll be there to hold their hands, but not to take their anger out on you ... it does work, if you can change your mind set .. think of it differently ... remember the nice / gentle person that was there before .. know they are scared .. and that temper maybe the only thing they think they have "control" over ..

Many a time, we did just that with my amazing big sis with her dementure ... and many a time came away to have a good blub ... but all the time knowing it was the dementure ..

Also my amazing granddaughter Jess who we lost at 18  to acute myeloid leukaemia ... smiled through out her journey... even to her last day .. her smile stayed ... and would never let cancer take that away .. my little hero ... xx

So hopefully it just may help to look at both sides .. and know sometimes walking away is like tough love .. in the end they know, anger means people leave them ... being reasonable means people will stay .. hope that makes sense ... big hug to you all going through cancer and trying to help those with it ... your all amazing .. Chrissie