My Husband was diagnosed with Oesophageal T2 7 weeks ago. He has just had his 2nd FLOT chemo. He is him, BUt me! wow the anger. I am burning with rage. After diagnosis went through the whole 'why us', then quite chilled and optimistic. but now.... I am angry at him for 'daring' to be ill, the fact that I have to do all the household chores/management, childcare, shopping. How dare he ruin our future plans!!!, the list goes on. I can't rail at him, so I rail at the kids!- not good, I then hate myself for it and on it goes. In fact, anyone who dares not conform to MY wishes gets it.
This emotion, when I write it in black and white, sounds incredibly selfish me me me. I also know it is very normal to feel angry, I also know it is absolutely NOT his fault!, but that doesn't stop it.
The question I ask is what on earth can I do about it /with it? I don't want to be loosing it with people I love.
your post just confirms there is never just one sufferer in a cancer diagnosis within couples.Your other half has the benefit of treatment,but l suspect you are just soldiering on holding his "balls up in the air " as well as your own.My questions to you would be are you superhuman and do you wear a costume ??.What support do you have ?, who do you have to confide your fears and worries too ?.
As a previous recipient of bowel and liver cancer,l well remember my wife being left with so little support,whilst l had the "benefit" of all and sundries concern. My view then and remains the same several years on, that in many ways she was a greater sufferer than myself.
You need to find yourself third party support,you need find time for this,and yes l can imagine your snort of derision dismissing this possibility,but you need to be selfish in this.Unloading your feelings with someone distanced from your immediate problems is surprisingly cathartic,and this can take the form of a regular telephone support group,like a befriending organisation,maybe a call to your local MAGGIES centre will provide you with some help.Their is also a telephone number on this site where you can call the nurses who might well be able to suggest some options for you to persue
You have made the first step in seeking support with this post ,aqnd l am sure others will come along t with their suppoort.There will be so many that recognise the pain and hurt you are feeling and will confirm this to be a well trodden path by so many ,and their way of dealing with and overcoming the demon that is desperation of a situation outwith of your control.
Be kind to yourself,you are special,just needing a little support to repair the foundation of your life,
HI , Thanx for your response. You did make me smile, about the costume (: Yes, to everything you said (: i have a lot of friends around, but i feel 'guilty' talking to them about it as it is like a broken record. Sure, i mention it, they ask, but i don't go on. My parents & brother are around too, but again broken record fear.
My husband is constantly telling me that it is 'worse' for me and that i need to take care etc, leave undone chores- but the inner me says Nope , i can do this. keep up appearances, get on with it etc
I think maggies or some other outlet may be useful, but TBH although i mouth off and shout, no amount of talking/couselling will change the fact that he has cancer and that i am not best pleased about it. It is a kind of grief, i guess, dashed plans I continue to work as being at home would be worse it think.
My heart goes out to you as 2 years ago my husband was diagnosed with cancer. He had combined radiotherapy and chemotherapy prior to surgery and then everything seemed to go wrong. I was amazed at how well I coped because people kept telling me to "care for the carer." Looking back, I didn't do that and paid the price last year when I really struggled and thats when my anger started. We have just had the news that my husbands recent scan to some inflammation in the lungs and another scan in 6 months. I am terrified the cancer has spread and is at the early stages. Hang on in there, don't feel guilty if you have to vent your anger/emotions, you are only human and it is tough being the carer. My husband said I probably suffered more that him.
Hi there, been there, done that earned the badge but I have learned what is important and what isn't. Did you know that you can get benefits when you have cancer, we were advised by our cancer nurses who filled in the forms for us. So this spare money is spent on making my life easier, I have a cleaner, pay for other jobs and spend less time fighting the status quo. I don't know how old the children are but if they can help then put a chart up with their daily duties on it, make bed, put clothes away, wash up, set the table etc. The usual thing is to reward them for this so do that, it saves shouting and getting annoyed, it may go against the grain but bribery and corruption works!! Keep a diary and write down your darkest thoughts to empty your mind, keep it locked or tear the page out when done. You need time for you as a person and if your friends love you they will be there for you regardless. Mine have been with me for three years now and I made it because of them. Cancer can bring you down but it's your choice to still live a normal life as is possible. Take care, Carol x
This is a strange old thing. We are sat together at the moment absolutely laughing our selves to tears about something totally inappropriate!! On line. Earlier today, I was fuming with anger about this whole thing. A total rollercoaster.
i’ve looked Into benefits, but no, we are not entitled to anything at all. We both work and both under ‘retirement’ age , so nothing doing there.
We had a cleaner (+) for years, but she retired last year and we have been looking ever since, with no joy. We had a ‘quote ‘ from a national £68 per hour!!! THey must having a laugh, someone was making money and guaranteed it wasn’t the person doing the work!!
i have always been good at offloading jobs I hate (:
i think my anger is directed at jobs I hate as a ‘diversion’ . I have no control over his illness, but I can focus and have some control on the ‘crap’ of life’s lists.
i know it is a ‘natural ‘ emotion , and I should let it come and go- but I really really don’t like the way it makes me behave.
As far as living life to the full- I think we are doing okay, we even managed 2 holidays during the diagnosis with all the restrictions. We were supposed go to America this March(covid casualty), with the plan to go next year, now I’m really sad that we can’t rebook as no idea how it will play out... the uncertainty is something that I really am struggling with.
I can relate to your post on so many levels as both a cancer patient and as a husband who cared for his wife after she almost died of a brain haemorhage in the same year.
No practical advice on anger management - except maybe primal screams and punch bags!
PIP is awarded according to an individual’s condition regardless of age or employment status. I’m not sure how T2 relates to staging but when I was diagnosed with Stage 4 OC MacMillan’s benefits advisor raised a fast track application on my behalf - I was in no fit state to complete the forms myself - the PIP was backdated to the date of diagnosis. Not a massive amount but it helped.
Hang on to that rollercoaster and remember to look after yourself too!
I was working and looking after my disabled wife wife gets Attendance Allowance something to try for, someone suggested council rates allowance i tried no good at all carers first got in touch and we got a drop in rates, alot of these places don't like to support people who need it, it needs someone who knows what you are entitled to and help you get it.
I'm entitled to carer's pay but can only have it if i don't get any pension its one or the other can't have both.
If your wondering what I'm doing on the forum I've cancer been on palliative care since February 2016, was working but retired to look after my wife.,
Just another thought citizen, advice should be able to help, hopefully.
