Hi DarcyC

Hope you don't mind what i say, but i think you're father should get his priorities right your mother should come first, not holidays and meals out. 

My wife has Alzheimers and parkinsons plus other problems, cannot walk at all i either support her to move her to bed, chair or commode or if further i use wheelchair. 

I've been looking after her for years at least 3 full time before that part time because she was still slightly mobile and i fitted handrails around the house and got a lift fitted for up and down stairs, i look after her 24/7 apart from odd bits of shopping or hospital appointment because i have cancer been on palliative care since February 2016, i promised I'd look after her and I'm sticking to it.

Do you have carers in or macmillan. 

Hope you can get his priority sorted good luck.. 

Billy 

Hi - sorry to hear things are so tough for you all.

Have you contacted Carers UK for advice? Sounds like your dad is suffering from burn-out and needs some support so that he can enjoy time with your mum a bit more.

I don't know how old you are yourself but is there anything you can do to ease his burden - maybe caring for your mum while your dad goes out with his friends, also do your mum and dad have siblings and friends who can come in for a few hours to share the load a little? This should be possible with lockdown easing -  is there a garden where you can sit out, ideally with a covered area (gazebo)? Try and be creative in thinking up some solutions here to ensure you all enjoy as much quality time as a family as possible.  

Sending hugs xx

Hi,

I appreciate your reply, I didn't mean for my post to come across as my dad not having his priorities straight, he loves my mum and will do anything for her, he's more angry at cancer itself and is in his mid 60s, he always pictured my mum and him spending this time together nearing retirement age and had of course planned for things to be different, he just misses the way they were together as my mums personality is also a little different now of course, she's also very forgetful because of the brain tumour, sorry if it came across that he just misses holidays but that's not what I meant, he's angry at this horrible illness and is sad that his life isn't how he pictured it I feel, I think those are normal feelings, we just wish he would talk to someone about it, I'm very sorry to hear about your wife. 

Thank you very much for your suggestions, I think I'll suggest my mum and dads brothers and sisters helping out to them, they're very much people who feel it would be a burden to ask but of course it wouldn't be, my siblings and I all have children, spouses and jobs and can't help as much as we'd like except on weekends, we're all in our 30s 

you've given some very good ideas though just to let my dad relax a little though, he is finding juggling it all a little difficult  at the moment 

xx

Hi DarcyC. 

So sorry i got wrong idea. 

Have you thought about what sunny said about getting in the garden (when the weather is good anyway) might be what you all want. Do you have any outside help your definitely entitled to it.

Good luck with how things go. 

Billy 

Hi - pleased you have some support you can call on. Don't rule out friends though. Sometimes it is just having someone in to sit - doesn't have to be talking - with someone who may feel exhausted and have cut themselves off a bit. Someone else to watch a film with your mum in the afternoon or do an old hobby or even look through albums. Easy not demanding companionship. If your mum is tiring easily, then keep very short. It doesn't even have to be a friend coming in, there are volunteers who will do this (Carers UK should be able to signpost you to a lot of help).

I know from experience of carer burn-out just what a difference a little help can make in allowing the carer to simply recharge. Your dad might just want to have the TV to himself for a bit, to work on his car, not necessarily leave the house. But he does need that break that allows him to refuel.

So glad you can see a bit of a way forward. It is never easy to work these things out and it might be trial and error. Also if you mum is having good and bad days with her cancer just because something doesn't work out one time, doesn't mean it won't the next.

Stay strong. Hoping for some good times ahead still xx

Hi Billy,

I don't know how you keep going as you do all the time.

Don't forget to make time for yourself too. You have an especially tough situation. I don't know how you do it. Lots of admiration but watch out for burn-out in case it ever strikes you too. Plus you have your uninvited cancer guest on top of all the caring you do.

I've never heard of anyone else with their own Stage 4 cancer do as much as you. Super Man is the word that springs to mind (anyone ever get you the T-shirt?) Sadly, I'm not Wonder Woman! Few of us are that rare kind of super hero.

Hope Bren is doing as well as can be expected. You too! Take care and don't be afraid to ask for help yourself sometime. I really do admire all you do! xx

Thank you, this is all really good advice! It's definitely tough! X

Hi DarcyC. 

Just a thought., if you had a wheelchair would your mum be OK going out somewhere where she likes. I know there are places where you can loan if you don't want to buy, I'm afraid i don't know where now but years ago usto be at some seaside places. 

Hope things are getting sorted, know it can be very puzzling sometimes, good luck with how things go. 

Billy