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complex situation with partner, guilt and fear

29Ocsarf
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Hi everybody,

I apologise in advance for the long post but I need to let off steam to feel better and need to explain the whole story for other people to understand. If it's inappropriate or anything I can delete it. Thanks for any feedback you can give me.

 

I met her last October, around 9 months ago. I had recently come out of a long story with my ex and the same for her with her ex (they had still not broken up completely, more below). Despite a quite big age gap (she's 36, 8 years older than me) we really liked each other immediately and we spent 4 months pretty happy and even if none of us was taking the new relationship so seriously initially, we felt every day more and more in love. When in February I think we were almost ready to try to be in an official relationship, she was diagnosed out of nowhere with a non-hodgkins lymphoma, pretty big mass in the abdomen, grade 3a/b, stage 3/4. This news was crushing for both of us. She returned to her home country to have chemotherapy and we haven't met again physically since then.

 

Because of the Pandemic situation, to avoid any risk of infection, she decided to live in a isolate house with her ex. Her mother lived nearby and she is a doctor so would help her with the treatment and everything else. The decision to live with her ex was suffered by me at the beginning but she was still very attached to him, one of the person she trusted the most in the world, despite not being in love with him any more for years. He's like family to her and I knew he would have done all the best he could to help her, something I couldn't have done for sure since I was locked in UK (and I couldn't have left the country even if I wanted to).

 

We were still in love with each other, so we kept texting and videocalling almost every day and I tried to do all my best to support her, cheer her up, make her feel better in any way during her chemotherapy path. Her ex knows about me and in these 5 months, once in a while there have been situation of tension between us. Her ex was jelaous of me and viceversa but most of time we were aware of course that the most important thing was just her health so it would have been detrimental and nonsensical to force a decision or argue. Our priority had to be her health, period.

 

In these months, her mood was very variable, unstable as you can imagine, and my mood changes with hers. She would have some days quite optimistic and others pretty depressed but we always showed love for each other, a bit like secret lovers who promise to see each other again after the storm was over. However, there have been many other moments when she was very pessimitic about the outcome of the chemotherapy and her thought was that would have been too scary to start a reationship with me with the fear the cancer could come back at any time. Since we don't how many years she has left (I hope 10-20 at least but that's the ideal scenario, some people don't go through 2-5 as far as I know) she would tell me she prefers to get back with her ex, a more 'solid' relationship. I learnt in these months that these thoughts of her were very mood dependent so I tried not to take them too seriously, and we agreed to stay in this limbo where we wait for the end of the chemo and then we'll discuss what would be of our relationship.

 

From my side, I am quite confused. I felt really in love some weeks, and some others I just wonder what I'm doing. I have even thought that I'm actually making things worse calling her almost every day, giving her expectations I cannot fulfill. I am very happy to talk to her at any time and I can't wait to see her and hug her again, I miss her, she misses me, we chat most of the times like lovers. However, when I think logically, the perspective of having a serious relationship with her is scaring at times. We only met 9 months ago, spent 5 of these 9 months in different countries and I don't know if what I feel is really love now. I'm in love I know, but it's not the same unconditional love her ex could give after have been together for 8 years. I would like to go back to the initial relationship, light and without expectations and see how it goes but now the situation is very different, she can't afford that. She's afraid the cancer would come back in a year or two and doesn't want to risk to be with someone 'new' that could leave her alone at any time. How do people live these situations? Do they find that the fear of death push them to the unknown or rather staying in a 'safe port'? Considering also that if she wants to remain in her country would be really hard for us to keep a love relationship at all.

 

I understand her and I'm afraid to leave her alone as well, i feel so guilty for this potential future scenario. In these months, considering also the lockdown on top of this horrible situation, I found myself to think about this for hours, days, and we would cyclically go into discussions (maybe once a month), where we talked about our feelings and fears more directly. I tried to be as strong as possible to not put more pressure on her but sometimes I had to spit out that even if I care so much about her I am really scared about the future. My own personal future was even uncertain before all this happened honestly (I don't like much anymore my job, don't know what I really want to do in my life) so her cancer + covid scenario made me feel often quite miserable. I have very good housemates and friends luckily I can talk to often, otherwise this isolation would have been really terrible.

 

Until the PET at the end of the chemotherapy (in 1 month), we don't even know if the chemo worked (the previous PET scan was pretty encouraging luckily). I wish with all my heart that this works. I don't know how to behave though. In a recent chat we both agreed that it's better for her (and me as well probably) if she stays with her ex as I was explaining before. However she also said she really loves me and thinks between us would have really worked in another cancer-free world. I think that rationally this makes sense but I still feel guilty for not loving her enough, I feel a coward for not saying: 'I will always love you, whatever happens'. My life is too uncertain to say that, I don't know what I really feel. Sometimes I hope she would come back to UK after treatment and we could try to stay together and build something more solid, some other times I feel would just hurt us more, and I might break her heart at some point and waste her last years... (even if we don't know how many).

 

Sorry again for me venting in this way but I needed to write down my thoughts before my mind exploded and reach some of you guys. Thanks a lot in advance for any advice.

Anyone with cancer has to be so brave, something I couldn't ever imagine and now I start to understand only a bit what that means. Big hug, stay strong...

 

Cheers

  • Offline

    Sadly...I think she's been clear what her intentions are in terms of your relationship.

     

    Listen to what she's saying - she's told you she would prefer to get back with her ex. You have also agreed this with her in a recent chat. She has said...in another world we could have worked out, but we're not in the place. She appears to have moments when she is being honest with you in that she doesn't wish to progress your relationship any further. 
     

    You don't want to be hanging around for this, do you...? Don't be the 'other man', you are obviously a loving and kind person - so many girls would be happy to be with a man like you. You really deserve better than this. 
     

    These are just my thoughts and I am sure some on the forum will disagree. But I think you should wish her well with her treatment and relationship and move on.....xx

  • Offline

    Hi.

    Think of things from another view. Either of you could be run over buy a drunk driver tomorrow, if you love each other get things sorted and get together as soon as you can nobody knows what happens tomorrow or the day after. 

    Another thing my wife of nearly 50 years is nearly 14 years older than me, she has a son two years younger than me, we got it to work right and it did you can do the same.

    Good luck with your future both of you, 

    Billy 

  • Offline in reply to Billygoatt

    Thanks so much both for your fast replies. I think your different perspectives explain the dilemma she's facing (and every cancer patient I assume). 

    I feel sometimes that she would choose to be with me, as she says she loves me, if I was certain enough about her and our relationship. And I can't help but feeling guilty about it even if I know it's probably a normal reaction to have in this unstable situation.

    I feel there is not a 'correct' decision, I would have to live with it all rest of my life either way.

    I'm planning to go visiting her after the last PET scan and talk to her again about this face to face, and let's see how we feel about it.

    Thanks again guys so so much.

     

  • Offline in reply to 29Ocsarf

    It's a tough one, Ocsarf. 

    From an outsider's point of view, this is really dysfunctional  (IMO, maybe not others - I appreciate that). 
    She chose to move in with her ex...she's told you she would prefer to be with her ex...would all this be indicative of her and the ex actually living as a couple right now? 
    As awful as it is to consider that. Does she speak openly with you when her ex is there? Or does she only have secret conversations with you? Only calls or FaceTimes you when he's out? (If any of that is true, it indicates she's actually 'with' this man, not just living with him for convenience). 

    It sounds as though you have a plan there anyway, to review once the PET scan is completed. 
     

    You are welcome back here any time you like, just to check in or when things get too much. I (edit: will try not to) say another word on my opinions, I am happy to just listen. 

     

    Be great if any of the other forum members could share their thoughts too...there are a fair few wise ones on here! xxx 

  • Offline in reply to citygirl111

    Hi Citygirl,

     

    I really appreciate your advice and you explaining your point of view without me feeling judged.

     

    I did consider what you said, and it is actually that way, she doesn't like to talk when he's around (we only videocall when he's working), and I know he was upset sometimes about her talking to me but he's kind of accepted the situation as I did from the other side.

    At times this made feel guilty and I did propose to just talk once in a while as a friend, but she didn't take it very well (and I didn't like it either unless necessary). She said talking to me made her feel better (and same was true for me) and that she loved me so we kept being in touch almost every day (apart from arguments once in a while).

     

    I did think sometimes at the beginning that she would 'take advantage' of me or of her ex but I trust her and I think she's just very confused. She doesn't love him but doesn't want to risk to leave him completely (before cancer I think she was close to make that 'step' but then fear prevailed again). It's true though that they never 'really' break up, so the situation is quite weird, maybe is not love in a romantic way but some different form hard to change. So she cyclically went through phases 'I want to stay with him cause I'm afraid and overall makes more sense' and 'I want to be with you when this is over no matter what' (and I went through some of these cycles too, just hers were amplified by the terror of cancer).

     

    I'm sorry to use this forum for this, might sound like soap opera drama but really affected my mood and work and life for the past 4 months and I still don't know what to do. And I would like to make the right thing for her as well, if there is one... 

     

    Thanks again for listening, I would love to chat with you (or other people as well) about this or your problems too.

     

    Cheers

  • Offline in reply to 29Ocsarf

    Hello again 

    Nice to hear back from you. 
     

    Cancer has intruded on your life and has caused havoc - you're welcome in this community. 
     

    I also think she is very confused at the moment. It must be difficult for her too, to feel the need to be with her ex out of fear, but her heart is elsewhere. Saying that...(here I go again) I don't think it's fair for her to have her cake and eat it, no matter what circumstances she is under. Because it's not fair on you. 
     

    If I were in your shoes (easy for me to say) and I loved this girl, it would be my wish for her to make a decision on this quickly (waited long enough and it's now affecting my work/life/mental health) and, if she wasn't able to do that, I think I'd have to say, "I can't do this anymore - I desperately care and love you but I can't be there for you in that way anymore. I've got stuff going on in my life I need to focus on". 

    I note you have said to her before that you wished to be her friend...were you sort of guilted into getting back with her? The correct response from her (IMO) should have been - fine - this is a horrendous situation for you and I can't give you what you want right now, so it is only fair to respect your wishes. 
     

    Really, she has two choices 1. She commits to her ex/partner out of fear/her perception of him providing her with more security and breaks it off with you (being friends would be very difficult...it would be easy to slip back into your old ways) 2. She chooses love and walks away from ex/partner.

    Her having it all can't be sustained. This has the potential to make you poorly...if something doesn't give/change soon, I fear you'll be on a downward spiral to feeling really unwell, anxious, stressed with it all. You have reached a stage in your life when you're considering what you want to do, which direction you need to go in...do you want all this stuff hanging over you and affecting your mood (which will in turn affect the way you think about jobs, ambitions, your future?) 
     

    As well as being supported on this forum, I was also thinking it might be helpful for you to have a chat to someone who has professional skills in this area. Not sure if you're experienced with mental health services, but you can often self-refer to them without going to your GP and they will likely have someone available who deals with relationships (where I live, we offer this as part of the usual NHS counselling service). The service will deal with difficult relationships and losses or potential losses of relationships. Might be worth having a think about this...

     

    What do your friends and housemates think of this? Have they offered you any advice? 
     

    Speak soon xxx 

  • Offline in reply to citygirl111

    Hi, thanks so much for replying back in a so clear way, I really appreciate your help.

     

    I think you are right on basically everything, it's not a sustainable situation. But I got until here, so a month more won't change much. Assuming the Covid doesn't get worse I'll go to visit her and we'll talk about this. Just yesterday we discussed this again and we agreed that the situation is confusing and risky for both so we'll likely end it somehow. The conversation ended quite ok I think but this morning she woke up depressed (for her cancer) and she didn't want to speak with me at all (this happened once in a while), but I'm sure tomorrow she'll feel better (I hope...).

     

    I think she needs to make a decision soon of course (max end of august), both things (me and her ex) at the same time can't work, I couldn't accept it myself for long either.

    The other issue is that I'm also afraid to make a decision. I have no problem in principle in accepting what she decides (as soon as possible of course), but am I ready to make a decision myself?

    You got that I'm in a moment in my life I'm pretty confused, workwise (lifewise I would say) and I have no idea where my life will lead me, and I'm afraid to remain 'stuck' in this situation (even if I really care about her and probably I would be happy with her). Also, I haven't mentioned it before, but just the cancer itself scares me, I don't know how would I be able to resist if she had a relapse in a few years (it's not a reason for me to walk away of course, but makes me feel that my life will be way harder than as it is now) and this could have a negative impact on her too (cause I'm not able to support her adequately).

     

    Another problem is the 'signals' we send when we talk to each other. Even if we agreed, more than once, that there should be no commitment by either of the two sides, we keep chatting often like lovers, remembering nice memories and saying that we miss/love each other. So we fall again in the 'lovers' trap. Even if we know there is no formal commitment, we create some expectations and when some event triggers some jealousy we end up having arguments (normally solved in a day or two luckily, I feel really down in these moments).

     

    Just to make the last example, she even said I can meet other girls if I want to, cause my life shouldn't stop with hers, a thought I really appreciate. In the beginning, I didn't feel I wanted really to do it cause I wasn't interested and I would have felt too guilty. But then I tried a bit of Tinder at times, more for fun than else, and I told her I had a couple of matches (never actually chat with anyone more than a line), she joked about it, was all 'fine'. Then a couple of weeks ago she got upset when I told her I was chatting often with a girl (who lives in my home country, so it's unlikely but not impossible I could meet her one day, but nothing serious) and she got quite upset and it took her a couple of days to digest the news. Just to explain the 'contradictory' way she behaves sometimes (cause she's confused, I know).

    And I know, probably the fact I'm chatting with someone else, even if not anything serious, was not a good move and should be a sign that I'm not really in love after all? I don't know. But at some point I felt stuck and wanted to do something to 'move on' somehow, even if wouldn't actually change anything (cause I want to wait for the 'main' girl to finish the chemo). It felt exciting to know someone new, it felt more 'normal' life. Anyways..

     

    Regarding the help from a specialist, I started last year some sessions with the counselling service of my college and it's quite helpful some sessions, not always. I'll keep doing that for sure cause my work is definitely disrupted by this situation (I had already lost some motivation over the last year, you can imagine now...).

     

    Thanks a lot citygirl. Sorry again for all this long message, this chat is really helpful and liberating. Maybe we can continue messaging in private if good for you? I don't want to bother everyone in the forum for this.

     

    Cheers, Ocsarf

     

  • Offline in reply to 29Ocsarf

    Hi Ocsarf 

     

    Just dashing off for some sleep, early start. I have added you as a friend and will reply back to your message tomorrow. Absolutely fine to private message. 
     

    Speak soon, take care xxx 

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