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husband's cancer has made him nasty

jenjennyjennifer
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I really hope this doesn;t sound selfish, and the main reason I am posting this is to see if anyone else has had the same experience and if so how they coped, and in fact if they coped, becuase I'm struggling and ready to give up.

We were married only 8 months ago and my husband had his cancer diagnosis six weeks later. a shock of course.  Since then he has been dismissive and cruell and downright nasty.  I have my own medical issue which in no way am I comparing, but following some bad news about that yesterday he has today told me that I am medically trying to 'trump' him and take the attention away from him (even though I haven't told anyone else).  He tells me that I am not nice enough or good enough to look after him and that our relationship has to go 'on hold' until he decides otherwise.  If I try and keeps things 'normal' I'm accused of not caring and if I try and talk about it and see how he's doing I'm drawing attention to it and being a *** about it.  Not once has he bothered to see if I'm ok (I have an elderley mum who needs support, and autistic son and a full time job.  If I say I'm in need of a walk with the dog on my own I'm neglecting him.  He had a procedure two days ago (day surgery) and i genuinely feel that it would have been better for everybody if he hadnt survived the anaesthetic.  There, I said it.  I'm a kind and compassionate person and try and give any help to anyone but being hated and critisized and spoken down to day in day out is very challenging, actually I just want to cry but I'm too busy. Thinking about it he has become an abuser.  If I don't challenge his abuse then I am an enabler.  I'm just wondering if cancer has done this to other men, or if he's just decided to show his true colours?

 

  • Offline in reply to Maria-amanda

    I am so sorry to hear what you have been through Maria-amanda and I admire your dedication through the years, that you feel it is your responsibility to look after him as no one else will. However, whilst cancer impacts everyone differently, no-one should experience controlling behaviour in their relationship, or domestic abuse. I know this can be quite a scary term to hear but it encompasses a wide range of behaviours including psychological or emotional abuse. You are literally going out of your way to look after him, you have done so much and it is simply not acceptable that he is unkind to you, that he didn't ask you how you were doing when you had surgery and that in your own words "every sentence is unkind". You have put up with a lot for years and I can't even imagine the emotional and psychological toll this has been taking on you year after year. You can't carry on having all these awful days and being treated in this way when you are doing so much and have in the past done so much to support him not only through his illness but financially too and in so many other ways.

    I think you have been bottling things up so much and for so many years that you would really benefit from talking to someone who has expertise in situations like yours. Simply talking to someone about it will perhaps help you think more clearly too about what to do and how to deal with every day. You can contact the National Domestic Abuse Helpline on 0808 2000 247. They are free to contact and offer confidential, non-judgemental information and support.

    You can also seek support and advice from Refuge and Woman's Aid, the latter of which have a survivor's handbook that provides practical support and information.

    If you feel comfortable mentioning this to your GP, they can signpost you to local services in your area and offer emotional support to you as well.

    We're thinking of you Maria-amanda. You are such a brave and caring lady, you do so much for your loved ones but it's important that you focus on your wellbeing too and find peace and happiness.

    I really hope this information can help and I will now let our members who have been through something similar come and say hello and share their experiences with you. You are not alone as sadly many members of our community have been through something similar and it can help to talk to someone else here who understands. 

    Best wishes,

    Lucie, Cancer Chat Moderator

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    Hiya Jen, I thought it was only me that was going through this, I myself am in the situation my partner has ALL(acute lymphatic leukaemia). I get looked at with derision and have been called absolutely awful things, which has made me feel like absolute ***, I also have my own problems, peripheral neuropathy and neuralgia. I try my best to be patient but if I get wound up I snap back. He has separated himself from me, we live in a one bedroom bungalow, he has put a lock on the lounge door I am not allowed in, I stay in the bedroom or the tiny front garden we have, I cry every day and have started drinking vodka daily just to make me feel better (it doesn't). I don't want to be alive anymore and I don't know what to do next. So I sympathise with you, sending love TIGG

  • Offline in reply to TIGG

    Hi, please don't hit the vodka, it gets better I promise you.....if your hospital has said they will bring your husband to remission they will, or alternatively they can prolong his life with treatment - some don't get treatment - so this is positive.    The treatment hits ever aspect of being human, your husband feels ,'less of a man, the treatment caused them to temporarily have psychotic episodes. My husband had them and gosh he became monstrous.  I don't think he could have found anything else to call me in the dictionary.  Your husband is in the wars, he can't see your needs or pain because of his own and of course his fear. But it ends, they return to who they were before even better because they feel guilty for things said.  And yes we may have to go through it again, and at the end, but you will find the strength.   I had emergency surgery whilst my husband was very ill....he wouldn't let nurses shower him. We were in adjoining rooms in the hospital - he came to me 10 hours after surgery, to ask me to shower him, I hadn't full come round!!!!  So you see nothing registers with them when they are so sick....- it's just a great big dose of the harshness of reality. Also your husband locks himself away because he doesn't want you to see the awful aspects of vomiting, toilet accidents etc....you can only do as much as you can..... remember these things will come to us one day as well - I hope we have someone patient around us.  Keep your spirits up.....all the best.

  • in reply to TIGG

    Welcome to Cancer Chat TIGG, although I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through.

    I can't begin to imagine how difficult, frustrating and upsetting this must be, but please don't give up. As you have found on this thread there are so many members just like yourself who know what you're going through, so you are not alone TIGG, and support is available to help you through this extremely challenging time in your life.

    The first thing to do is to take care of yourself. You've been extremely brave by opening up to us here on the Cancer Chat forum but if you haven't done so already please talk to someone about this, especially as you've said that it's making you feel like you don't want to live anymore and no-one should ever be made to feel that way. If you don't feel comfortable speaking to your family or friends about this, you can get in touch with your GP instead. They will be able to support you and if necessary refer you to other support services available in your area.

    Suicidal thoughts can be very scary to deal with, especially if something like this has never happened before so if you ever find these thoughts becoming overwhelming or taking over too much then please don't hesitate to ring the Samaritans on 116 123. They are available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week and are there to listen and support you. They also have an online chat service if you're unable to call them. 

    Although it can be quite common for people to push away loved ones when they are struggling, it is rather concerning that your partner has physically separated themselves from you within your own home. Your husband may not be aware of this, but the actions he has taken within your home can be seen as a sign of domestic abuse and is putting the both of you at risk, especially with you having your own health concerns to deal with as well. I know how scary and alarming this may sound but what your husband is doing is having a huge impact on your physical and mental well being and you shouldn't be made to feel isolated and uncomfortable in your own home. If you'd like to reach out for further information and advice, then do consider getting in touch with Refuge who will do all they can to support you.

    When you're really in the thick of it as you are right now, it can be very difficult to find or see a way through but I want to assure you that there is light at the end of the tunnel, so hold on to that thought and try to take things one step, and day, at a time.

    We are here for you TIGG and are sending you all our strength and support.

    Kind regards,

    Steph, Cancer Chat Moderator

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