Hiya Jen, I thought it was only me that was going through this, I myself am in the situation my partner has ALL(acute lymphatic leukaemia). I get looked at with derision and have been called absolutely awful things, which has made me feel like absolute ***, I also have my own problems, peripheral neuropathy and neuralgia. I try my best to be patient but if I get wound up I snap back. He has separated himself from me, we live in a one bedroom bungalow, he has put a lock on the lounge door I am not allowed in, I stay in the bedroom or the tiny front garden we have, I cry every day and have started drinking vodka daily just to make me feel better (it doesn't). I don't want to be alive anymore and I don't know what to do next. So I sympathise with you, sending love TIGG

Hiya Jen, I thought it was only me that was going through this, I myself am in the situation my partner has ALL(acute lymphatic leukaemia). I get looked at with derision and have been called absolutely awful things, which has made me feel like absolute ***, I also have my own problems, peripheral neuropathy and neuralgia. I try my best to be patient but if I get wound up I snap back. He has separated himself from me, we live in a one bedroom bungalow, he has put a lock on the lounge door I am not allowed in, I stay in the bedroom or the tiny front garden we have, I cry every day and have started drinking vodka daily just to make me feel better (it doesn't). I don't want to be alive anymore and I don't know what to do next. So I sympathise with you, sending love TIGG

Hi, please don't hit the vodka, it gets better I promise you.....if your hospital has said they will bring your husband to remission they will, or alternatively they can prolong his life with treatment - some don't get treatment - so this is positive.    The treatment hits ever aspect of being human, your husband feels ,'less of a man, the treatment caused them to temporarily have psychotic episodes. My husband had them and gosh he became monstrous.  I don't think he could have found anything else to call me in the dictionary.  Your husband is in the wars, he can't see your needs or pain because of his own and of course his fear. But it ends, they return to who they were before even better because they feel guilty for things said.  And yes we may have to go through it again, and at the end, but you will find the strength.   I had emergency surgery whilst my husband was very ill....he wouldn't let nurses shower him. We were in adjoining rooms in the hospital - he came to me 10 hours after surgery, to ask me to shower him, I hadn't full come round!!!!  So you see nothing registers with them when they are so sick....- it's just a great big dose of the harshness of reality. Also your husband locks himself away because he doesn't want you to see the awful aspects of vomiting, toilet accidents etc....you can only do as much as you can..... remember these things will come to us one day as well - I hope we have someone patient around us.  Keep your spirits up.....all the best.

Welcome to Cancer Chat TIGG, although I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through.

I can't begin to imagine how difficult, frustrating and upsetting this must be, but please don't give up. As you have found on this thread there are so many members just like yourself who know what you're going through, so you are not alone TIGG, and support is available to help you through this extremely challenging time in your life.

The first thing to do is to take care of yourself. You've been extremely brave by opening up to us here on the Cancer Chat forum but if you haven't done so already please talk to someone about this, especially as you've said that it's making you feel like you don't want to live anymore and no-one should ever be made to feel that way. If you don't feel comfortable speaking to your family or friends about this, you can get in touch with your GP instead. They will be able to support you and if necessary refer you to other support services available in your area.

Suicidal thoughts can be very scary to deal with, especially if something like this has never happened before so if you ever find these thoughts becoming overwhelming or taking over too much then please don't hesitate to ring the Samaritans on 116 123. They are available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week and are there to listen and support you. They also have an online chat service if you're unable to call them. 

Although it can be quite common for people to push away loved ones when they are struggling, it is rather concerning that your partner has physically separated themselves from you within your own home. Your husband may not be aware of this, but the actions he has taken within your home can be seen as a sign of domestic abuse and is putting the both of you at risk, especially with you having your own health concerns to deal with as well. I know how scary and alarming this may sound but what your husband is doing is having a huge impact on your physical and mental well being and you shouldn't be made to feel isolated and uncomfortable in your own home. If you'd like to reach out for further information and advice, then do consider getting in touch with Refuge who will do all they can to support you.

When you're really in the thick of it as you are right now, it can be very difficult to find or see a way through but I want to assure you that there is light at the end of the tunnel, so hold on to that thought and try to take things one step, and day, at a time.

Kind regards,

Steph, Cancer Chat Moderator