I've never been able to put this down on paper before. I hope it isn’t too garbled.
My girlfriend was diagnosed with a stage 4 cancer about three years ago when we had been seeing each other for just under a year. At the time, I was trying to pull the courage together to end the relationship as it was clear for a while that it just wasn’t going to work. The diagnosis changed everything. I decided to stay, to do the right thing or so I thought, and I was pretty clueless about cancer at the time. I think I thought that if chemo worked then she would have years before it may come back. I’ve learnt in the time since that this isn’t how things work.
Over the last three years, I’ve become increasingly unsettled. Desperate to get out of this cage but feeling like I will ruin her life by doing so. I just always have the feeling that I can't leave as this could mean her final few months are spent in misery but I have no idea how long things will last. It could be months, could be years, maybe decades. I care about her and would do anything to help but to me it's like a member of my family.
During a good period last year when she was out of treatment and doing well, I finally thought i had a window to escape. It was a disaster. She said she didn’t see the point in life without me and that she was thinking of killing herself, that her life was over and nobody would ever be with her again due to the cancer. I couldn’t handle this and backed down, said I would give her a chance.
That’s where I am now. Stuck in a relationship I don’t want to be in but I feel unable to leave because I really do care and want to be there for here. It’s like the cancer is keeping me hostage. I’ve starting seeing a counsellor but I wouldn’t say its helped much.
I'm not asking for advice, I just want to see if there are any others who’ve been in a similar position to me. I currently feel like its only me.
