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How do i cope with my abusive partner who has cancer

Angela2020
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I have a partner who can be exceedingly verbally abbusive towards me.   He has advance prostate cancer that has metasistised to all his bones and cannot be cured.

Every morning he gets up and sits and verbally abbuses me daily. He was like it before he had been diagnosed with cancer, but gets increasingly worse like its all my fault. 

Whatever i do or say is criticised. I didnt want him to live with me and wanted him to leave before he was diagnosed,  but he refused to leave and would say sorry for the abbusive behaviour kiss me then expect everything to be ok.

I was always trying to encourage him to go to the drs as i knew something was wrong but he would never listen to me , eventually he was unable to pass water and was in pain so dragged him to see dr.

Dr examined him and took a blood test and said a lot of men have prostate  cancer and recover successfully. 

Blood tests came back saying he had advanced prostate cancer and it had mastastised to his bones and he would be receiving chemotherapy.

We knew nothing about advanced prostate cancer so didnt know what to expect.  He put blame on everyone  e en though for last 3 or 4 yrs i had bern telling him there was a problem with how  he was urinating.   I was told i didnt know what i was talking about and he was fine.

He insisted he must havd got it from somewhere or someone,  i was blamed because it was my housing association  house and i had a radon reading that said the dwelling needed air conditioning.  Well the test was arranged by housing association and they  were given results to do whatever was necessary, but he blamed me and said it was my fault he had cancer.

He started chemotherapy but after the first shot he cane home and that evening i had to call an ambulance as he apparently had renal failure.  He would not stay in hospital  and insisted a day later on going home, i had hoped for a break...  but he was given antibiotics that he was responding well too so they allowed him to go home  and they inserted a catheter to help him pass his urine.

He was very unwell with the chemotherapy  being sick constantly and very lethargic.i took him home but it was hard work for me.

I am also disabled with fibromyalgia and arthritis in all my joints and  i need new hips and knees but i cant have it done because niw im looking after my so called partner as i havent the heart to throw him out.  I had previously sort advice on how to get him to leave but it seems i have to call police when he refuses to leave and tbey will escirt hom out l. The thought of what abuse id get if i did that worried me.

I had started standing up to his abuse or id have a breakdown or something and he really didnt like it.  He started throwing things at me when he realised he wasnt in control so i reported it all to police . I recorded his morning abbusive insults too.  I saw my dr and told  dr hiw i was being treated and i was given couselling to cope .

Once he  had his diagnosis for advanced protate cancer and he was so ill when having chemo i felt obligated to look after him.  That was 3 and a half years ago.   Im really struggling niw as i have to do most things for him even though i struggle to look after myself but he seems to think im fine because im  not constantly complaing of the pain i am in as i cant see the point.  I have to pace myself for  everything i do as its the  only way i can cope, byt im expected to care for him as he refuses to have carers in.  Im physically and mentally worn down. My head is in a whirl and ive also got forgetfull due to all the stress.

He has had various treatments over last 3 and half years and finally now on radium223 treatment, thus akso mskes him feel unwell  and was given steroids to help which made him feel remarkably well so he is to continue taking them  along with his hormone treatment he has had 3 out of 6 sessions he is meant to have but now has been put on hold due to  covid 19.  

He is very difficult and awkward about everything i e only given a small example of his attitude towards me but i tokerate it because his parents are very elderly and i couldnt see them being able to cope.  He has a son but he has a young family and his partner is about to have another child and there is no way they would be able to cope with him and 3 young children.  I wonder hiw long i am to have to deal with him as my caring side wont allow me to throw him out as i kniw there would be a lot of trouble and i know i couldnt live with myself  that i havent looked after him .

He wont let me go out and has tantrums if i want to visit friends or family or even just shopping.  He is gifted with twisting words around to make ne feel at fault about anything he decides to complain about

Ive really had enough but realise maybe he is near the end of  all possible treatments so i carry on .

Ive run out of tears now  and i keep just wondering if i can make it to the end , i feel terrible for feeling this way and dont like myself for it., but the daily verbal batterings just keep on and on ....

Do others feel this way or is it just me ...

 

 

  • Offline in reply to Hopeinhell

    Hope it helps! Patches are easier if they do- we had to go to a pain pump he had to wear which caused even more complaints as it was difficult to do anything lugging that around! ( heavy too!). Lucky I can sew and made a padded bag with velcro he could wear strapped to him across body and round waist so he could still be 'hands free' and ride his bike! Us wives are good for something! Glad he let u call the dr- my dad had a fall in bathroom and got stuck behind the door and couldn't get up, but wouldn't let mum call an ambulance! There for 5 hours before a neighbor finally did, by that time dehydrated and confused ( had banged his head too), but so stubborn still! Told the dr. that when he fell he was "busy stacking wood in the shower"! We still laugh about that one!

  • Offline in reply to plebbs

    Ive been trying to ingest all the replies and all of them make sense to me. 

    We have been together for 10 years but half of those he has been in his own bedroom as i couldnt cope with him complaining about me snoring (like he doesnt of course).

    There are lots of other factors i havent mentioned yet,  but the worst thing is the emptiness i feel inside. Yet there is a drive inside me to tolerate him because giving up on him makes me feel i am being like him.

    I talk to friends and family on here but never on telephone as its impossible.

    Please all of you be sure i am not afraid of him despite his cruel remarks and threats,  and yes i walk away when i cant cope with him. Its just such hard work esp as i stand up to him niw and answer back but it just seems to be a competition of him versus me.

    I feel sometimes like running away but this i cannot do because he is the guest living here.  I realise no one understands him quite like i do.  Ive had to distance myself from him in regards to love and romance or it would have destroyed me long ago.

    I am 66 years old he is 60 and regards me as his personal possession and he seems to have this idea im somewhat his oersonal slave in every aspect.  Thing is i suffer with lots of pain from arthritis and fibromyalgia and he seems to think because i dont constantly complain of pain i must be ok , but if i do mention it then that becomes a comperion of who is in most pain so i just try not to say anything.

    The place gets untidy and cluttered with my hobbies that i try in vain to do so as to take my mind off things.  Its almost impossible to do them as hei s so demanding and im often exhausted.  He wont accept outside help as he prefers everyone to believe everything is tickety boo. 

    I could be on here for hours explaing everything  its just that i want the emptiness to go away and to stop me becoming like him......

     

     

  • Offline in reply to Angela2020

    Oh bless ya .. my heart goes out to you ...

    No matter what anyone says, it's only you that can change things or accept the situation you are in ..

    I am the same age as you ... and l know I'd not want my life to be at this age literally a slave to any man's will .. some people are more worried about being alone then living with an abusive partner ... and honestly it must be everyone's choice ...

    What I would say, is after you say your side, turn away, don't let him turn it into a clanging match every time ... everyone looses then ... you know you can chat on here ... you know you have lots of support here .. even though I'd say, get rid of bad rubbish .. your helping him be a bully, be it by the kindness of your heart .. as long as you realise, he will NEVER change .. you will always be his verbal punch bag .. and you could live another 20 years or more .. could you live like this , that long ...  

    Well I'll not say any more on the thread ... but I hope with all my heart, you find some small token of happiness in anything you can ... so good luck ... the shame is he doesn't realise just how amazingly lucky he is to have you ...  Chrissie    ....  

  • Offline in reply to gruntifen

    Thank you for replying

    I already have contacted all you have mentioned and more  but i feel trapped because they only listen, there is nothing they can do unless i push him to leave. 

    Ive sadly made the decision to sit it out till the end but its having an effect on me that i dont really like .

    Im now snappy and blunt because i cant cope .

    I even wonder if its me not him sometimes.

    I tell him i am what i am because of what he is now.

    Im the obsticle to my freedom .

    The help i heed does not seem to be available because i choose to tolerate him it seems .

  • Offline

    Hi Angela, So sorry you are going through this. I had something similar with my husband who was a bully and took his fear of his terminal illness out on me. Towards the end, as he was forced to face the reality, it became increasingly worse and I had several counsellors and macmillan who were aware of the situation and tried to help. His family then waded in and backed him up and the police and safeguarding teams were involved.

    I had been determined to support him because I felt that he was hurting and I felt I could not leave someone I had spent a huge part of my life with when he was dying. I also had to protect our children. He obviously did not see it the way I did and we are now trying to cope with not just his death in April but the harrassment and abuse from his appalling family too. For your own sanity can you take a week and stay with your own family or friends to get some persepctive on the situation? Look after yourself or he will take you down with him. For my husband it was about trying to control us because he could not control his life/illness. His lung cancer spread to his brain and he couldn't drive which escalated the abuse. It was only when my GP referred me to a domestic abuse group that I realised the coercive nature had been present all through my marriage. He found a leaflet in my bedroom and moved out.

    Protect yourself and don't feel guilty if that means leaving. Sending love.

  • Offline in reply to Angela2020

    Just seen this post. He may not care what you are going through or be he may be so wrapped up in his own problems he can't change. Everyone said my husband wouldn't change and I hoped something would budge- it never did. Towards the end he didn't care - the end was in site and although he said he recognised our suffering he would not admit the abuse or try to help our children.

    Stick to your values but be kind to yourself. No matter what you do or how hard you try sadly you may not receive any appreciation. None of this is your doing. My husband had aspbergers  and all his traits became much more pronounced at the end. 

    Do not give him the satisfaction of controlling you and seeing you upset or it will get worse. Keep some space and, however hard it is, live your own life. 

    I was repeatedly told it was an 'impossible situation' by counsellors but I suspected that because they knew the situation would not last forever there was no immediate solution. 

    We are now left wondering how to think about him- the fallout afterwards is not easy but we will get there. Be strong and remember you still have options and choices.

  • Offline in reply to Angela2020

    Hello Angela2020,

                                thought l would post and ask how you are coping?.l hope you are still talking to third parties since they are a channel for you to bring your frustrations out into the open,since bottling them up inside can be the real killer.Yes as you say they can do nothing ,but that is to miss the point in so much as they provide you with the conduit for you to change the position,which ultimately is the only way change will take place.

                                                      That change does not have to involve you leaving,but could very much involve how you interact with your other half,and how you make changes to your life now to make it better for yourself.The process of bringing your thoughts and feelings out to others often leads to you exposing deep feelings and truths that hold you back,and in a non judgemental environment allows you to see your way more clearly than would otherwise be the case.

                                                                                                                     Sorry if this does not make sense and l have not expressed myself well,but at least know that you are not alone and there are those of us that appreciate what you are going through,

                                                                                        stay well,

                                                                                                        David

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