O M G ... get out ... l can't believe how much your going through .. 

He's controlling... he's a bully ... and he is manipulating you .. have you seen Coronation st .. they have that going on there ... they always say sorry to stop you leaving .. there is a government skeam at the moment to get you out of that situation .. he will not change ... esp as he was like that pre cancer ..

There's another thread on here same thread as you .. maybe having someone to chat to going through the same thing may help ..

If anyone reads this who know where to go for help, please inform ... you do not have to go through this .. you won't realise just how bad till it stops ... you are worth more then this .. don't feel sorry for him .. cancer does not give anyone an excuse to bully .. threat .. l so hope you can get advice where to go .. 

Sending you a vertual hug... always here if you want a chat ... look for that other thread ... Chrissie x

Hello Angela2020, 

I can only echo what the lovely Chriss has said - you seem like an amazing and truly caring person but you need to also make sure you look after yourself first and foremost and get the help you need if you feel this man is verbally abusive towards you. 

There is a wealth of information on the government website on how to get help for domestic abuse on this page. In these times when we are living in self isolation and lockdown, it is important to know what is mentioned on the government page namely that "the household isolation instruction as a result of coronavirus does not apply if you need to leave your home to escape domestic abuse". So this is an important thing to bear in mind if it all gets a bit much for you. You have taken an important step in coming here and talking to us about it. I would also suggest you ring the National Domestic Abuse Helpline for free and confidential advice, their line is open 24 hours a day and you can reach them on 0808 2000 247.  You can find out more about the Domestic Abuse helpline here. 

Don't hesitate to call them at any time - they are there to help. 

Chriss referred to another thread we had tonight on the forum which I think is [@Hopeinhell]‍ 's thread here. Her husband is suffering from stage 4 cancer and is also having some anger and depression issues at the moment. So I think you two will really understand one another at the moment, the feeling that you have to be around to support this person but that he is also being unreasonable towards you which neither of you deserves. 

I just wanted you to know that we are there for you and that there is help available and I know sometimes it is really hard to ask for that help especially in the current climate. But do ring that helpline whenever you need to. They will be able to guide you better than anyone on what the best course of action to take would be. 

We're all here for you whenever you need to chat or talk to others who understand what you are going through. 

Best wishes, 

Lucie, Cancer Chat Moderator

Thank you @Lucie  ... yes that was the other lass ... hope they get in touch ... xx

Hi, sorry to hear what u r going thru, my husband passed away 3 weeks ago from oesophagus cancer aged 44, he was sick for a year, and I have to say, could be quite difficult at times, (ive heard it's very common for them to be bad tempered, particularly on chemo), though nothing like what u r experiencing, difference being I really loved him, we had been together 20 years and have two young children who needed him too, so I was determined to make it work.  the cancer changed him, noone wants to face a terminal diagnosis,  he was understandably bitter and angry, taking it out on us wasn't fair, but the ones closest to us are the ones we trust and with who we can be 'ourselves,'. The pain made him grumpy too. Unfortunately going on steroids (dexamethasone in particular) made him very aggressive towards us, I talked to the oncologist who said it sometimes does that and we ended up stopping it, a shame as good for the pain but we couldn't live like that! Anger is a secondary emotion caused by another underlying emotion,  eg being scared, feeling helpless etc. And people who are controlling are often terrified they will lose u, they dont understand by doing that they are driving u away more! Not that this means you have to put up with it, but if might help u understand why he is acting this way. Do you have access to a social worker thru hospital of hospice? You should both be getting counseling, and he needs to know how his actions are making u feel or he wont try and change. I guess it depends how much you care whether you can make it work...maybe a break staying with his son for a short while so you can have 'respite care' would work. If his son sees how difficult he can be he will be keen to get him back to you and support you more..you should not be carrying this alone. dont feel guiltyabout them having s baby soon, they have something positive coming up in their lives to look forward to, they should be helping you through this any way they can. I was lucky I had the support of his mum who stayed to help me nurse him. Being someone he also trusted she copped it too with the bad temper! We managed to have a laugh about it when his friend turned up to visit and "mr grump" turned into "mr cheerful"! But went back to being mr grump when he had gone! I had tried to tell her on the ph what he could be like but her sympathy was all for him till she came to stay and saw it for herself and finally got it! Maybe his son could come and stay with u to give u a break and 'experience it'! Its not fair for u to be doing it all alone.  At the end of the day only u can decide whether u want to see it thru or not, with me there was no way I could let my husband down,  but I had many good memories to call on, and he had worked so hard for years to look after me and the girls and cared for us, he was s fantastic Dad, there was just no choice for me. I too have fibromyalgia and an autoimmune muscle wasting disease called polymyositis so I know how hard it is to cope with the pain...I upped my painkillers but found good diet the best- loads of veg and fruit, cut out sugar and processed foods, no wheat, felt so good I suggested to my rheumatologist I cut out my immunosuppressants! He said no way if u want to be around to see those girls grow up, but it definitely helped the pain levels. I started it for my husband's cancer and ate the same to support him, but couldn't believe the difference it made to my health so could be worth a try...if u want to private message me to chat any time that would be great,  u need support from people who have been thru similar to cope with this, I found my friends just didn't get it, but people on here living it too have been the best support for me

You're gonna have to throw him out, Angela. There isn't any obligation on you to take care of him....especially what with him being an aggressive bully. 
Throw him out and think to yourself that you would have been more than happy to take care of him, but HE made it impossible for you to do so.

Does he have parents? Or any other family? Call them and tell them to pick him up from yours or else you will have him removed by the police. 
Let us know how you are? xx

Disagree entirely. The poster's partner was an abusive person before he was diagnosed with cancer. There is no excuse for abuse. Also, you're indicating that the poster is letting her partner down and that she will not care enough if she does not stay with her abuser. 

Only she can make that decision, many , many women are in abusive relationships with their partners and are very miserable, but don't have the strength to leave them and instead put up with it (which is what is happening at the moment).  If they are not strong enough to leave they need other coping strategies and options instead, telling her to leave is all very well... but if she does not,  you have not helped her one bit. I get the feeling you are young and strong, and really have no idea how it is to be older and in poor health... you do not always have the energy or strength to stand up for yourself and go through with leaving, yes, in a ideal world she would leave him, but like many women sadly, she probably won't, and by 'ordering' her to and telling her that is the only option, you are making it harder for her if she doesn't feel it is something she can cope with.  You also have no idea of her personal situation - do they have assets owned together that she will soon be entitled to? If she kicks him out, they may all go to his son, and she may be left destitute.  Their are many reasons women choose to stay with an abusive partner rather then leave, only she knows how serious the abuse is, what risks she is taking by staying, and she must make her own decision that she is comfortable with

Hi Angela 

You aren't in a partnership. You should help each other not you doing everything. And he's no excuse with his cancer if he was like it before. Treatment can be nasty i spent 8 days in hospital going in and out of a coma.. I've got prostate Cancer that's gone to lymph nodes, spine, ribs, pelvis and a lung diagnosed Feb 2016 been on palliative care since no cure was working till last year metal fabrication and welding. But had to retire to look after my disabled wife she needs 24 /7 care she has Alzheimers and parkinsons.

Please get your life sorted because as it is now its not a life you don't have to put up with what he is doing to you he's no excuse for his behaviour. Sick or well. 

Hope you get something sorted soon. 

Billy 

Hi all ...

Please could I ask to everyone, it's o.k to think different on here, that's what makes this chat room work .. if everyone agreed, there wouldn't be a range of advice ...stop getting worked up with each other .. please bring the kindness back ..

The thing is, if he was kind before cancer, I'd say "hang on in there" as I did with my sister when dementure changed her so much from caring , and kind to someone who seemed always angry at us .. it wasn't her, it was the dementure .. I'm so glad we held each other up .. and got two lovely weeks with her back to her old self before she passed away a few weeks ago ..but we were a strong family .. and at least we could get away from the situation to get our feelings out ..

@Plebbs had her journey with her loved one ...a

Sorry  having problems with my posting ...

Plebbs... to continue ... you had your journey,but because it was the cancer , like I did with my sister, we could hang in there .. 

The difference here is he was like that before cancer, and with lock down, I can only imagine what she is going through .. please let's all take a breath .. so Angela can make her own mind up either way ..

My heart goes out to anyone going through this esp with lock down ... but one thing I know, I'd hate those I love to go through me being angry ... that's my worse fear .. and I've told them if ever that happens , just go ... 

BE KIND TO EACH OTHER ... we all have a story to tell, and our own journey through life ... everyone has to make their way through as best they can ... big hug all round ... Chrissie xx