You're right, Chriss. I shall edit my post to make it more kinder. I apologise, Plebbs. 

Hi ya ... 

Thank you so much ... I can empathise on both sides .... it is a very emotive thread ... and I prey she finds a way out ... but can understand others .. though this carona is making lives so unbearable ...

Yes let's keep, our different opinions ... that's why this works ... but none of us have lived in anyone else's shoes ... we only get one side ... and like a penny .. there's heads and tails... both the same yet completely different....  we are all important on here .., so keep going ... and keep safe...

. Chrissie....  ; ))   xx

Hi Angela 2020

you have got lots of comments here to digest. At least it shows we all care.

I am in the exact same situation as you. We were going through divorce proceedings because of his 30 year behaviour and were near the end but then he was diagnosed the same as your husband. I felt awful for him and agreed we should drop all proceedings and stay together. Maybe like you, I didn't really want a divorce just wanted him to be nicer to me so I thought it was a relief to stay together.  He continued to be abusive after the initial shock which made me doubt my decision!

However, I am not a medical expert but prostate cancer has a lot to do with testosterone and the treatment my husband receives is a hormone implant to stop the testosterone which remarkably has made him a lot easier. After six months it is working well on his PSA and there is a marked difference in his behaviour. He still has outbursts which are very hurtful but at least it is not every day. In his tests to see how far it had gone in his bones they found a lung tumour. He had a lobectomy in February and we were told it was successful and all gone. Unfortunately, 4 weeks later at what we thought was just a post op check up, they told him it had metastasised to his lymph nodes and he would need chemotherapy. Then they told us he couldn't start chemo until after the virus pandemic.

these are horrible uncertain depressing times. He continues to have ok humour days and some horrendous abusive days. It might not work for you but I try and walk away, watch tv, read a book, phone a friend, sometimes I am very upset but sometimes I just treat it like a two year old tantrum. 

You can only do what you are capable of. It is horribly difficult but as the others say, if it gets too bad you can find help and if you can vent off to family and friends it might help.

Remember that you have the right to a good life too and you may get cancer one day and regret passing up on your future. Prostate cancer even with advanced metastatic has a good prognosis and you might be dealing with this for more than ten years. Bill turnbill  has been told he has ten and now possibly 18 years to go. 

If it wasn't for this plague I would be out there travelling on my pension! Keep money aside for yourself for treats and during this lockdown maybe dream of how you can spend it.

bon courage to all of you. It has helped me to read these mails and realise we are not alone.

Leave him and do it know, my previous husband was manipulative, my children didn't k ow, he was very clever. Emotional and mental abuse stays with you forever. My now husband of 14 years has been a fabulous husband, now sometimes with steroids he gets agitated and grumpy but can't be defined by that because it isn't his fault and he gets really upset if he realises he says hurt my feelings. Your partner is cruel has always been cruel and domineering, so, you need to leave and he needs to get help in, which macmillan can arrange. But please before he pushes you into believing the crap he says to you. Leave. Be strong be brave you are a good person and deserve to be treated as such. Best wishes. Hugs. Christine xxxx ps I do have empathy for him and his cancer but his cancer has not made him like this, he was like this before cancer. 

Angela

i didn't read your full message. Forgot to open the 'read more'. It really sounds horrible for you. He has already had lots of treatment I see.  Only you knows what you can do but I agree with a previous comment that maybe you can tell his son how you feel and ask him to help. During the lockdown maybe he can phone his dad daily just to keep his mind off abusing you. I asked my kids to phone my husband more so he didn't feel isolated and take his anger out on me. I can bet that his son is relieved you are there so he doesn't have to cope with him. If you leave it will fall to his son to step in even just to organise social care. Use this to 'encourage' his son to help more.

i don't know how long you have been together or how much love is left but at the end of the day if your life is better on your own you do need to think of your self and there are people who can step in to take over. Lots of volunteers out there at the moment and social services. If it is your property get social services to find him accommodation. Don't feel guilty. You have a right to life too. Remember, it might be you too ill soon.

good luck

Hello Angela2020,

                              Unfortunately  l recognise the actions your partner is displaying,anger and bitterness making him lash out,and its you that has become his target.The irony is he sees himself as the victim,but treats you like the victim.

                                        l got pulled up early days by my other half and conciously made the effort to refrain from being like it in her presence,but then run the gauntlet of becoming too withdrawn in order to avoid slipping back into it.

                                            l was in the position where l had a fighting chance of pulling through,your partner feels he has nothing to lose,so lashing out has no consequences in his mind.The only way you change this situation for both of you is to seek third party mediation counselling,where it can be pointed out clearly to him the damage he is inflicting.If he rejects the idea of the damage he is causing,then you in the full knowledge that it has been made clear can make the parting without the sense of guilt that worries you so.

                         l would suggest you contact Macmillan cancer.l would also highly reccomend contacting your local Maggies centre as they have wonderful people there ,who helped me tremendously and really got me back to positivity and facing up to my situation with a balanced view.l realise that the centres,which are a unique haven of peace for the troubled will be closed but they have counsellors who hopefully will be still be able to contact and advise by some means.Citizens advice may well be able to point you towards help and support.

                                                            A last thought was perhaps your partner is actively trying to force you away in a effort to protect you,but like most people who comtemplate suicide ,can never quite manage to take the final step but constantly keep visiting the cliff edge and pulling back.Using a third party could bring all the issues out into the open and enable both parties to see each others position clearly and resolve the pathway to the future  for both parties

                                                                                         It is very clear from your heart rending post that if you allow things to carry on as at present,it will end poorly.If you collapse,either mentally or physically you become lost whatever,better then to exert some control over the situation and speak to the people who have the knowledge and can help you.

                                                                       Its never easy to involve others in your life decisions,but you have made the first step on this forum,now keep moving forwards,

                                                                                                            David

This is just like my husband.  Arsenal all day but all smiles and happy when his family visit.  I'm the one that is made to look like a controlling wife when I'm asking my husband not to over do things.  He has of course overdone things in the garden this week and is now in the most unbelievers pain.  He self medicated with alcohol and got angry and took his frustration out on me.  But this morning, I'd had enough and told him if it continues I'm moving out because I love him but cannot cope with his behaviour.  
 

im waiting for the doctor to call me because he is in such unbearable pain. 

I asked for help from social services but apparently they cant help him until he is homeless and im really not up to his  tantrums . I just want them to take him and put him in his own accomodation so i can live on my own.   I dont want to have to involve the police to have him removed i just want him cared for by someone else as im not  sure i can deal with him any longer.

[@plebbs]‍  you seem to have hit the nail on the head.  He was on so much pain this morning I called the doctors and have been able to get some morphine patches for the hubby to try.  Fingers crossed!