Struggling to cope emotionally

Two months ago my mother was diagnosed with stage three lung cancer. It was a huge shock but since then it's subsided, especially as the doctors are being so positive. My mum started chemo and radiation less than a week ago, but she hasn't reacted well to the chemo as it's caused problems with her blood pressure and nerves in her thumb. She saw the doctor today and they've switched her to a different chemo drug. They think that she's responding well to radiation as she no longer has problems with wheezing. Also they gave her a blood test and her immunity is good. 

I live with my mum and it's hell. We're constantly arguing and my mum is constantly putting me down and making me feel like rubbish. Nothing I do is good enough; my feelings don't matter. No matter how supportive I've tried to be it's not good enough. Everything always seems to be my fault.

My mum is so negative as well, saying she doesn't know how long she's got left and that she's accepted death. The doctors have said nothing to her about dying; they seem positive that she'll beat it. Whenever I tell her not to talk like that she's says that I'm immature and unrealistic. I know that everyone has to die one day, but no one has given her any indication that it'll be anytime soon. 

It doesn't help being cooped up in the house, especially with the lockdown and not being able to see other people. I know that my mum is scared, especially as she's scared about the coronavirus and she's in the high risk category. I feel that I'm not getting much support from other family members. My brother doesn't live with us and expects me to bear the brunt of everything and make mum my only priority whilst it's ok for him to have his own life. I feel like it's not ok for me to have feelings. My mum doesn't understand why I'm upset with my brother and blames me for causing an argument. Before my mum kept saying her positive and supportive I was, but now she treats me like a villain.

Am I alone in feeling like this? Does cancer cause a lot of arguments and fall outs? I have a friend whose mum also has cancer and she said treatment made her mum really nasty.

  • Hi catlady, cancer has turned alot of nice people into very nasty people. 

    My sergestion is give your mum space don't do anything for her until she asks you to, she has to realise you're there to help not to be shouted at all the time. 

    Hope others have some other ideas as well, good luck and hope she gets treated soon. 

    Best wishes...... Billy 

  • Hello cat lady 

    I feel for you big time. It’s a very hard position that you have found yourself in. 

    My answer to your question “does cancer cause arguments”? I think the answer is yes, it can do, and probably almost always does. Reason being cancer causes anxiety and feelings of a complete lack of control. Makes us angry. Makes us speak the unthinkable...   

    So yes family life can become intolerable and unrecognisable at times. When I was diagnosed my husband didn’t always unserstand me. Couldn’t always cope. I wasn’t always nice either. In time and with professional support I became calmer and easier to live with. I do suggest you seek help for YOU. I know it’s your mum who has the cancer but you are suffering and it sounds very hard. You need an outlet. Be kind to yourself. What’s happening to you isn’t fair or right but sadly it happens to many people. 

    Go easy. Stay safe and well 

    Kebbs x 

  • You’re going through a tough time. It’s hard. My wife is late-stage, is immobile, and now entirely dependent on me for everything. She loses her rag with me sometimes when I don’t get things right, but it’s born out of her frustration at no longer being able to do the things she used to do. It hurts, but it is what it is, and all we, as carers, can do is continue caring. And we’ll do just that; because of your love for your mom, my love for my wife, and so on. Stay strong (as hard as that is at times), and wishing you all the best in the future. Mark xxx