Hi ya and welcome ...

Oh my, think you promised something that is impossible to keep .. or it is possible if your allowed to grieve and get all those feelings your holding in , out ... if you carry on being strong for everyone, you'll fall appart .. your not super woman, just human .. 

You need now to sort and help you ... who cares for the carer ... you've done more then most could ever do ... and with 3 children of your own .. and now caring for your sisters two .. just take some time out .. reach out .. ask McMillan or your G P but you need a hand to hold right now ..

My sister with dementure,  and very poorly now, has had to have help to care for her ... there's no guilt, we couldn't do it our selfs .. no matter how much we love her .. so please forgive your self there .. 

You can always come on here and open your heart .. everyone on here has been touched by cancer .. I've had 5 family members effected by it in 3 years .. including myself .. so sending you a vertual hug... be kind to yourself ... Chrissie  

Hi,

As Chrissie says, please reach out to Macmillan or look for a local Bereavement Counselling service. I know several people who have found counselling really good to help them cope & carry on, whether as patients or relatives. Give it a try, you have nothing to lose and everything to gain. Good luck,

Angie x

Thanks Angie 

Think I'm going to give it a try as I'm not sure I can deal with this on my own and still keep going for everyone else.  My son cried himself to sleep last night as it's his birthday in a few weeks and he just realised she won't be here for it.  Obviously kept it together in front of him but inside I felt like I could explode.  My husband is trying to take over but when the kids get upset they just want me.  Hopefully it will help me xx 

I'm so very sorry for your loss, cancer is such a crue disease. 
 

I have always been a bit skeptical about counselling but after my cancer treatment last year I decided to get help as I was unable to process the thoughts and fear in my head, it was really impacting every thought throughout the day. I sourced it through a local charity that Macmillan referred me to and I've been going for about 12 weeks. It's helped more than I could imagine, I find it cathartic and just lifting the lid off in that safe space and having someone guide me through my thoughts has really changed me. My counsellor says if you're burying a thought it takes more energy and thoughts to not talk about it, it gets harder not to think about it and it grows and grows until you can't keep that lid on. 
 

don't be afraid to get it all out, you have been through something so traumatic and you still are in the storm. 
 

I know it's not for everyone but for me counselling has been a blessing x

Thank you,  I've contacted someone today.  Can only give it a try, can't make things any worse than what they already are.  Hope things are going well for you and you get what you need from the counselling.  Sending you my love and hugs xx