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Dad’s last week’s

H3
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Hi all 

This is really hard to write about as my Dad has Prostate cancer which has spread to his bones and lungs , he also has stage 4 kidney failure and today after the GP paid a visit his liver is enlarged as he’s in pain , we have Oxynorm and long tech pain killers for him but they don’t seem to work as I thought . I’m currently at my parents house trying to sleep in my old bedroom from when I was a teenager - I’m 53 , Dads 84 and Mums 79 , she requires a 25% bowel removal as she too may have cancer as they’ve discover high risk tissue after a biopsy .

Its got extremely difficult over the last week as my elder brother has returned back to the Far East where he works , the number 2 son has also got some issues ie prostate cancer and then there’s me number 3 son with my younger brother number 4 son , he’s got a few issues too which he needs to keep under control due to his stressfully job .

I suppose that’s a background of what’s happening but what’s going on in my head is a constant nightmare , I can hearDad in pain through the wall and I’m in a mess , I try not to show it but inside I’ve collapsed , imploded , I’m broken . I’ve spoken to my GP and she gave me tablets yesterday but it’ll take a few weeks for them to get into my system . 

Seeing my father in pain and hearing him makes me wish he goes to sleep tonight and doesn’t wake up in the morning , I don’t want him to suffer any more as it looks like he could be like this for weeks , it’s horrible to think this way but I’m so emotionally ripped apart  that I’ve thought about just going home but I know that is the wrong thing to do , I need to stay here for Dad and to help Mum . I gave him his meds at 9 and I was fingers crossed hoping he’d be settled but it’s 1 hr 20 min of listening to every sound . 

Writing this may help me short term but when I hit send I’ll go back to wide eyes and ears open listening for my name to be called to go and help . 

Is this a normal way to feel , how do I get on with it and deal with the sights I’m seeing  ? 

  • Offline in reply to Everythingchanges

    Thanks Everthingchanges 

    I hope you get there , I hope you heal as best as you can - as for me I seem to be in a zone where I think Dad is still here but then I know he’s not , I believe he can see , he’s pain free and his spirit is with his family . My Mum told me that she dreamt about him and he told her to have her operation ASAP , she needs a 25% bowel removal due to a growth which is most likely or will turn into Cancer . It doesn’t leave you alone for 2 minutes does it !!! It’s all so raw still as the flowers are in my folks garden , I don’t think Mum will remove them until there’s nothing left of them . 

    Im not so sure how I’ll feel in a few weeks but I need to get back to work , I work overseas and I think it’s then I may struggle as I used to call daily to make sure that both my folks were ok . We’ve been FaceTiming my Mum so I’ll carry on doing that when I’m away with work . 

    Thanks for your comments , take care .

    Phil 

  • Offline in reply to H3
    Hi Phil, I just wanted to reach out and see how you're doing a year on. It's still so incredibly difficult for me. I keep getting constant flashbacks to the moment Dad passed. Not all the time but more often than Id like. I'd much rather remember all the good times but I suppose I need to process my grief first before I can move past it all. Hope youre all coping as best you can. Take care.
  • Offline in reply to Everythingchanges

    Hi , hope your well .... I've had some moments like that too which I tend to move away from , it's not that I want to forget but I want to remember better times as you said . 
     

    I've just this evening got home from a solo walk over 186 miles of the Pembrokeshire coastal path in memory of my Dad , I've raised £7000 in his name , we were going for £2500 . Have a think about doing a memorial charity event , it gave me focus . I just hope in the next few days that I don't fall flat on my face as it's taken all year to get it organised so it's been a distraction, it's had purpose and meaning for me and my family . 
     

    take care and have a think about something, it helped .

  • Offline in reply to H3

    That's fantastic. Well done. I give a monthly subscription to the cancer society and donate to any fundraisers they have but your idea sounds great. Never thought of doing something like that. I need to channel my grief into something.

     

    Take care

     

     

     

     

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