i will apologise if this seems a little disconnected as my thoughts and brain are just soo jumbled up right now

my partner has in the past had a diagnosis and now we are awaiting the results which will be today (i started writing this 3 days ago) of testing as an abnomally has been found...

i did not know her when she had her first diagnosis but we have been together for nearly 2 years now, what makes it especially hard right now is we live in two different countries but we do see each other at least for a long weekend each month and converse using messenger and skype every day

the long term plan is for her to move here which is something she is very keen to do

the thing is im having crazy emotions already giving me continual headaches, but then i think its just a headache, and i shouldnt be so selfish, other emotions are what do i say, what do i do, what can i do, what shouldnt i do, im prone to just burst into tears at anything that evokes a memory

in the short time we have been together we have done so much, we have made plans for more and now i pause and hesitate to say what im going to be doing tonight or at the weekend as i dont want to upset her, while she sits there waiting to hear im feeling bad that im still doing the things i normally do, it feels like im walking on egg shells worrying what to say and what not to say, should i put my life on pause as well, it feels like she has already gone when she hasnt, im that devastated

i feel bad for thinking that she may not be around if it is terminal and then i feel guilt and remorse that she may not be able to enjoy all the things she wants to do and what we planned as a couple, it really does feel like someone has ripped my heart out, stomped on it and not even bothered to put it back as i feel so empty, but then i say to myself im not the one with the diagnosis, i shouldnt be feeling this way