Hi Stellify18,

My wife also has stage 4 cancer.  We're both 35, so a little older than you but still very young to be going through this.  Her's started in the appendix and has spread to bowels, liver, spleen, diaphragm and a few other places.  We're due the lymph node results back in the next week or so.

At first I was obsessed with survival statistics and read everything I could, but then I realised that no matter what the statistics are, they can't tell you what the outcome will be for your loved one.  When I consider that she had less than a 1 in a million chance of getting this type of cancer, statistics all become a bit meaningless anyway.  

Right now, she's going for every treatment for a cure whilst there's a chance for that.  I'm not going to lie, the recovery from surgery has brutal and we're not out of the woods yet, this is her 4th week in hospital so far due to a series of complications.  But, if it means we get to spend many more years together, it will be a million times worth it.  I spend a lot of time considering these two opposite outcomes in my mind.  At least, I try to spend a little time daring to dream that she could still make it through this, rather than just focusing on my nightmare coming true. 

How do I cope?  I do what I can.  I have good days and bad days and sometimes good hours and bad hours.  I carry on because the one thing I can do in all of this is support her.  I find that accepting how I feel is important.  I cry when I need to cry and I accept that I will feel like that in this situation.  I live through the anticipatory grief.   If I fight the feeling, try to avoid it or suppress it, it makes it worse.  I accept that I will feel pain every day for now and for the forsesble future.  I allow myself that.  And I allow myself some time to mope.  And then I get up and try to resume some of the things I enjoy doing. Just the little things that bring a small amount of joy.  Some days I'm more successful at this than others, but I keep trying. And I bring my sadness with me but the important thing is that I'm doing an activity.  Sometimes my brain thinks about something else for minutes at a time.  Sometimes even an hour.  Sometimes I even enjoy myself a little and that's ok.  I can still feel joy in my life, I don't need to feel guilty about it.

And if all my fears come true, I will find a way to find new joy in my life, because that is what she would want.  Nothing would ever fill the hole she would leave and I don't know if I would ever want to find anyone else but I would work hard to find a different kind of meaning in my life.  I find it reassuring to have a little plan whilst I can still think just about straight.

I hope in my heart that everything works out for you and remember you are not alone.

T