Hello sweetie - what a horrible time you are having & I'm so sorry your lovely mum is so poorly. You did the right thing posting here because lots of us know how you are feeling. It's a scary & lonely place to be & it is normal to feel like that & also to be angry because it isn't fair. In fact all of the feelings you describe are perfectly normal. What matters is how to cope with those feelings & all I can tell you is that somehow you will find a way to do it. You've already started by acknowledging them to yourself & sharing them with others & it's a good start. Don't be afraid to let your feelings out. You say you are downplaying it to your younger siblings & I do understand why you want to do that but it may not be the best thing to do either for them or for yourself. Do give them the space/opportunity to express their own fears (they will have them) & share your feelings with them. You don't say how much younger than you they are but if they are pretty close in age you'll all be able to help each other through whatever is to come.

People, you know, even young people, are stronger than you might think & they might well feel just as you do & don't want to upset you by telling you they are scared. 

So, try to accept what you feel is normal, try to share your fears etc. if at all possible, & know that somehow you will find a way of coping difficult as that might seem just now.

I will think of you & wish you & your family all the very best & sending you a virtual hug & a reminder that you are not alone. x

My mum calls me sweetie so that was a lovely way to start reading your message – it’s like having a bit of her with me. 

I have tried to speak to my siblings about it a little, but they have admitted that they would rather live in denial and I just have to accept that – apparently they are speaking to people online (like me!) so as long as they have found some kind of outlet for their feelings then that is ok.

I’m just spending a lot of time with my mum and trying to accept that the awful, awful way I feel is simply inevitable. I’m just heartbroken and so upset that my amazing mum will not be here for much longer, although she has reassured me that she’s not scared and she’s not in pain.

It’s also difficult because she is showing minor improvements and it is so very hard not to cling onto these and live on false hope. It doesn’t seem right or fair that anyone should go through this kind of heartbreak in life.

Thank you so much for taking the time to send some comfort and advice my way, it’s things like this that make me feel a little bit less alone. xx

Morning sweetie - I'm glad you're being proactive about things - maybe sorting out private care etc. Taking control of things insofar as you can is good for you - makes you feel a bit less disempowered. I'm glad too that you've done a bit of research on anticipatory grief. You probably are starting to come to terms a little bit & that's good. You will be in pain when your mum is no longer with you & I wish I could pretend it won't be the case. But you know we human beings are strange creatures. We often find that the things we fear the most don't come to pass & we somehow cope. It's for that reason I say try not to anticipate how you might feel. Doing that will only make day to day more difficult. Following your mum's example is the best - she sounds like a bit of a star to me.:) 

A little story for you. 40 years ago my sister had a baby girl who sadly died when she was 4 days old. You can imagine her devastation. Her husband took a bit of time off work of course but eventually had to go back. So I then took a few weeks off & one day my sister & I were in the car & she said she was scared of my going back to work & being alone during the day. I said something will happen & everything will be ok. I didn't know what the 'something' might be but a few days later we had a letter from some relatives in Canada who were coming to England & wanted to visit. Within a couple of weeks we had 3 of my mums cousins staying & things were so different & busy we found that suddenly life had moved on. 'Something' will happen so that you will find a way of coping with things. Life can be a bit of a mystery! :)

I had a feeling you were only young & it's an awful lot to deal with at your age & very cruel. It's a very long time since I lost my dad - I'm 67 so well old enough to be your grandma! As I said my mum died in 2017 on Halloween - she was 89 so I had her all my life. I was lucky & I think it's part of why I feel so much for what you are having to experience. It's also the case that when you've been around a long time you have a lot of life experience & I'm glad some of my experience helps you.

It's easier isn't it to talk to strangers sometimes about the things you feel most deeply about & I do hope you'll carry on chatting with me as long as you need to. If it helps you can send me private messages via the forum. 

I'll think about you & your mum again today & send love to you both. Keep plodding sweetie - you're doing good I promise. x

Good evening Purrfect, how are you doing? Any update on your potential diagnosis? 

I’m sorry it’s been a while since I last replied – I had to go back to work as I’d used up my compassionate leave, so I’ve been going in to see my mum and then working all sorts of hours. I am putting all your messages to me in a document so I can read them when I start to struggle (like tonight).

Mum surprised everyone by getting better… and then she got worse again. This week has been a rollercoaster that has ended with her brain cancer spreading which is so horrible because she was feeling so much better and was just starting to recover from the infection that nearly killed her. At this point, I have stopped trying to predict what will happen next.

I’ve followed your advice and tried not to focus on the fear of how I will feel when she has passed – when I was doing that it was so distressing that I could barely function, so instead I am just trying to enjoy this time of relative stability.

I am so sorry that your sister lost her baby girl, but I can’t tell you how happy I am that she eventually found a way to cope. It is reassuring to know that as life moves on, it does eventually take you along with it. One of my biggest fears is not being able to “cope” with something, whether that’s a break-up, a job change, or a death – but so far, I have managed, and although I can’t imagine anything worse than losing my Mum, I hope that I will be able to carry on, if not for me then for her.

P.S. I wish you were my grandma! I can’t help but wonder if it would be any easier if I was older but then I don’t think it would matter what age I was, losing your parents will always hurt the same way – as you sadly know, of course. That being said, I am grateful that you have some wisdom to impart – I don’t know anyone else who has lost a parent at this age and as time goes on, I am finding it more difficult to speak to the people in my life as they seem to think that cancer is some kind of linear illness where you either get better or you don’t – the reality is so much more complicated… 

Thank you as ever, I hope you’re well xxx

Hi KS, 

I have been reading your posts and I know it’s cliché, but I am just so, so sorry that you have lost your Mum and I am so grateful that you took the time to message me and give me some reassurance. Our Mums are nearly the same age and I just can’t process that someone so amazing should be allowed to pass away, if that makes sense. She’s just so special to me that I can’t believe she could be taken away – it just shouldn’t be allowed.

I’m glad that you also had that time with your Mum to take care of her. My Mum says that even the smallest things like moisturising her feet and brushing her teeth feel absolutely heavenly and when she smiles at me it just makes everything okay for a while. I hope those memories of us looking after our Mums comfort both of us forever. 

I am so rubbish at sleeping at the moment – I feel like a baby again, scared of the dark and staying up until I’m nearly fainting with exhaustion because I’m terrified of lying there with all these awful thoughts running around my head. Even though being on here makes everything feel more real, it’s comforting (although utterly horrible) to know that there are other people out there who understand my pain, while everyone else carries on living their normal lives.

Please feel free to message me too if you ever want to talk too, I will be thinking of you and your Mum xxxxx

Morning sweetie - so glad you've posted again & letting us know how you are. I have been thinking of you & wondering how things were. Re: my diagnosis - I have the colonoscopy on July 17th (could have been before but I put it off) which I'm not looking forward to but needs doing so.....

The fact that your mum's cancer has spread must be terribly difficult & finding comfort in words isn't easy when we feel in despair but I'm glad that what I have said helps you a little bit at least. It does strike me you know that you are dealing with what's happening in a way that many young people would find impossible. You say you fear not coping but the reailty is that you are coping & better I think, than you give yourself credit for. Not coping, I think, is to run away or to have some kind of collapse but this isn't what you are doing. I wonder if, when we say "I'm not coping" really means "I'm feeling this horrendous pain & I can't make it go away". Of course it can't go away because it's the result of what loving someone & losing them means. It's the terrible price we pay for loving someone dearly.

I understand what you mean about people not understanding cancer. Unless one has some personal experience it really is almost impossible & despite wanting to say & do the right thing people don't always get it right - as you say the reality is much more complicated. The thing about this forum is that people here do understand.

As for your wanting me to be your grandma - I'm not one in reality but I shall be absolutely chuffed to bits to be your virtual grandma for as long as you'd like me to be! :):)

Another day sweetie that you've coped & I'm very proud of you. Keep plodding & keep in touch as & when you need to. Sending you an enormous virtual hug. x

Hello,

Just checking in to see how you are all getting on

Katie

xxx

Hi Katie, I've not been on here in a while but my Mum passed away on August 20th.

xxx

Hello pgh95,

I am so sorry to hear this news. There really is no words to describe the pain.

How are you coping? I am finding the run up to Xmas really tough. Here if you need to chat at any time.

Thinking of you and your lovely Mum

xxxxxxxxxx

Hello sweetie

I'm sorry to hear the very sad news that you lost your mum. Even though we know it will happen it doesn't make the loss less easy to bear. I hope you are coping despite your fears that you wouldn't. Please let me know how you are getting on.

I haven't posted for some time as I am still unwell & despite numerous tests I still have not had a diagnosis. I have an endoscopy on Wednesday & hope in a way that something shows so at least I know what's what.

All the best sweetie & take good care of yourself - that's what your mum would want.xx

Thank you KS ️

I am just so devastated, there is still so much paperwork to be done by myself and the whole thing has been an admin nightmare.. I still don't feel like I can fully grieve yet.

I used to love Christmas, plan it months in advance, put decorations up so early and think of so many things to do but I just don't care. It means nothing to me without her.

I hope you're doing okay, how are you finding things? xxx

Hey, 

How are you getting on?

I can't believe how quick it's been, 9th August for me, 20th for you, can you believe it'll soon be a year?

I miss my Mum Increddibly. She Is never far from my mind and I still cry alot and have bad days. 

Xx

Hey, 

How are you getting on?

I can't believe how quick it's been, 9th August for me, 20th for you, can you believe it'll soon be a year?

I miss my Mum Increddibly. She Is never far from my mind and I still cry alot and have bad days. 

Xx