Hi Ann relationship works both ways if he has cancer which he doesn't know yet it doesn't look like a very good relationship you should be able to talk to him without arguing all the time, some people have nothing wrong and pretend they have, I'm guessing but is there anyway you can check,. Best wishes 

Billy 

Oh Ann

you really are going through the worst time here. There are many mixed emotions on both your sides. You sound burnt out and very unhappy. If your boyfriend does have a brain tumour then at least that can part way explain his erratic behaviour - but reading your post sends out more alarm bells that he has a lot more issues than his physical health and he is badly affecting your mental health. 

regardless of his condition, no shows, ghosting, not even being allowed to know his address is exceptionally odd. I fear i may sound rather heartless here but i really dont see much of a healthy future with him. Even if he has cancer, gets treatment and is cured, i dont think that his attitude will change and I really dont think you will be happy. I guess it depends on what your are able to cope with and how much you are willing to be there for him - but you have a life too and you only have the one. 

I would sit down in a quiet space - write down what makes you happy and what sort of future you see. if what you read back doesnt seem like the life you want and need than i would move on. 

Really hope you get some help too. sounds like you need a good bit of "you" time to digest what is going on and by the sounds of it - he doesnt sound ike the type of person who you can talk to at the moment. 

Lesley xx

O M G ...

This is only my opinion .. run ... get away and think of it like a jig saw ..

He's not letting you go to appointments ... strange ... he doesn't want you to meet his family .. even more strange ... radiotherapy is done when there is deffinatly a cancer there , be it benign or cancerous... so if he's telling you the truth , he'd know for sure ..

He sounds like a very disturbed lad ... I'm not saying he's lying ... but if I were you I'd do some investigating ... check he's at the hospital when he says he is ... could he have another relationship with someone else ... that's why he's keeping you at arms length... extremely weird ...

No matter what you deffinatly shouldn't take that treatment .. if ever I got angry with cancer, I'd tell those I love to get away ... cancer does not give us a right to be emotionally horrible ... 

Take time away .. add everything up .. and look after you now .. your deff not any of those things he's accusing you of ... there's lovely lads out there that really care .. if it were me , I'd run for the hills and not give him another thought .. he's even making you dout yourself ...you sound amazing and caring ... 

Chrissie xx

Chrissie - i could not agree with you more! well said 

L xx

Thank you all for the replies.. It is indeed very awkward all of it.. and I did not want to just show up at appointment and appear like a crazy stalker.. It is radiosurgery he had not radiotherapy (my bad).. Last time I saw him he did geniounely appeared unwell and ill and had strange symproms.. It is not even my doubts about it this being real that worry me as much as it is the fact he outs it on me, my anxiety, my past etc..

After knowing him for years and being there for me for years it is hard to believe that he is turning into the monster he helped to leave.. But not shocking or surprising either.. I definitely do agree I need time and space away and even if we managed to sort our differences out I will be quite skeptical about moving away and together.. A part of me has thought about other relationship, but as far as I know he has been single for years, his mother knows abourt me and I have spoken to friends of his, it was made socially public for a period of time on social media, so I don't think it is relationship he hides but there is definitely something dodgy.. It is just weird to know someone for so long and know so little about them, bad mouting your family and friends, yet cancelling plans with me to be with them.. He has slipped once that he is worried about me getting annoyed with his mother and upsetting her which is redicilous.. I work with elderly!

The not knowing or wanting to know aboutthe type of tumours, going to work straight and driving straight after the radiosurgery.. I don't even know if that is possible.. Will someone physically has the energy.. I am a cognitive scientist so I know how a tumour could affect cognition, but I am totally clueless when it comes to things like chemo and radiotherapy and fatigue, side effects etc.. All of it is just so odd.. and I don;t know if I am overreacting and he is emotionally unavailable, or he really is going thrugh all this and I cause this behaviour by not controlling my emotions, or I am being taken for a ride and mentally abused..

like i said - regardless of his physical illness - he is badly affecting your mental health. I think if you move away with him he could actually do you harm. He is already causing you harm just not in a physical way. 

darling there are a lot of very very good, decent and caring men out there. This one you have is none of these things and the fact that he is treating you like your last partner and knows exactly what you have been through, yet hes doing it to you is just a no go for your. 

again like i said - you only have one life, you need to live it happily and as healthily as you can and this person is toxic im afraid. 

XX

To add my tuppence luv, you said you think that something "is dodgy" with the situation, so maybe you have already worked it out for the best, for you, in your head but are seeking support to be strong enough to confront a very difficult situation, with your needs foremost as an outcome. Having cancer is hard, caring for someone with cancer is hard, but the patient has to realise the carer has needs, or they can't help properly. Possibly you are trying too hard and he doesn't see you as his 'primary carer' , more that his family is that. So possibly take a back seat, for your own good and for both of you? Tough time for you.

Maybe you are right.. he hasn’t actually been diagnosed with cancer.. the brain tumours were beginin, treated and gone..His mother doesn’t know either.. just me and his sister.. 

i do hope he gets better and that this is not some sick mind game.. I have backed off and cut contact as there are somw other red flags as well..