Hi Chrissie,

Thanks for your kind and supportive words. My mum uses my brothers drinking as an excuse for his behaviour. It might be a reason, but to me, it doesn't excuse his abuse. Broke my heart when I found out he text that to my mum about wishing she would hurry up and die. My mum is worried that when she goes that my brother may take his own life as he'll have no one. My brother has threatened this many times in his self pity but it's another means of manipulating her. Even though she will be going through chemo she is still determined to make him get help. She says she can't abandon him. I can be civil to him if we are in each other's space but that's all I can manage for my mum's sake. I guess my biggest fear is that this is only going to make her more ill or maybe it will take her mind off her illness. 

X X X 

Hi ..

Well at the end of the day, you can only do what your heart tells you ... l have seen emotional blackmail many times ... and in my opinion when they keep saying they will do it, they don't..  not always but most cases .. those who do, don't tell people they just do it .. so I agree with you.. you sound very wise ..

Your right too .. the reason they do things is not an excuse to do it ... your poor mum ... and my heart goes out to you, your between a rock and a hard place ... but the only one that can really help him , is him .. you can all offer life lines, but untill someone grabs it and wants to get better, you can't change things ..

But your mum lives in hope ... mum's do ... we never give up ... so there's no magic way out of your situation .. but if you can make your mum see, she's not helping him .. he's just using her as a crutch ...what a sad sad situation ... just hold your mum's hand .. and understand she can't give up on him .. but you must do what you think is right ... if only we had a crystal ball to see what was ahead of us ...

Chrissie xx

Hi my partner Liz was in a marriage with a functioning alcohol he was a horror of a human being the alcohol just made it worse he destroyed her self confidence your best having nothing to do with your brother he will not change and he will just make all your lives a misery at a time when family's should stick together it convincing your poor mum that will be hard .I can't feel sympathy for heavy drinkers people make excuses for them but really they are weak scum sorry if I seam hard but I've seen what they do first hand it's always someone else's fault . In a way your going to have to be a bit of an actor for your mum's sake just be polite but firm your not having it if he starts just walk away one sorry your in such a difficult position it must be so hard perhaps a trip to see your gp see if he has any suggestions to help gp you one sure just a chat may help they may be able to give you something to help you stay level . There a few help lines that have nurses there maricurie and mcmilan I used them both they are very helpful and can also give you advice about helping your mum Macmillan usually get the local NHS care people out to do an assessment and get help with various care packages I think it's a bit of a postcode lottery now the give has taken so many services away  but if it's there your mum deserves it sorry can't really help anymore but I do hope you get some peace and it's not up to you to placate your brother best wishes i know first hand the police can come round and give him a warning to stay away but thats something to have in reserve .paul

Hi Chrissie and Paul,

Thank you both so much for your supportive words and honesty. It is hard and I'm sick with anxiety over this. After being with mum for a couple of days I can accept that she feels she must help him. However, I have been adamant that I will not get involved in my brothers issues. I really hope that he will get help and make positive changes to move forward. However, my priority is caring for my mum and being there through her treatment. I also work full time (although signed off work until end of June due to a major operation I had myself eight weeks ago) so I also need to be in a good place to return to work as well as help mum. I know there are lots of people living with and affected by cancer, so I'm not alone. Being on this forum and hearing your experiences has really helped. Thank you both for being open

Much love and best wishes. X X X