Hi dragonqueen 

it sounds very orquard, are carer's coming in to help with care. i under stand your problem, my wife is disabled cannot walk without help i have to put her on a commode then clean her afterwards she has no control over her bowels so it can be messy,, to start with i was nearly sick every time, but over time I've got used to it, she's got something wrong with her brain, I'm the one with C so it's orquard sometimes but we've managed over four years now, if you try and do it you do get used to it it's not easy,. Or see about a carer,. Good luck.

Billy 

Hi Billy thanks for your reply - my husband is not disabled and so far can look after himself I just don't feel I will be able to cope with the sort of stuff you describe euther physically or mentally.

Hi dragonqueen,

First of all, don’t feel bad because you think you can’t care for your husband. It is an extremely overwhelming situation and there is options out there to help you with the basics of care such as  the ileostomy bags, etc... What he will need more than a carer is to have his wife next to him and living a ‘normal’ life (as normal as you possibly can). Don’t feel pressured for others assuming this or that, you have to take care of yourself first in order to be there for him. Again, ask for help of cancer nurses to help you out with his care, they will give you a lot of peace of mind. 

wishing you all the best 

You might surprise yourself and be able to cope, alternatively you might be better arranging for carers if you really don’t think you will cope. Whichever way it goes, don’t beat yourself up over your decision. I am extremely squeamish around bodily functions, but my husband had major surgery 8 weeks ago and after my initial terror I was able to wipe his bum, empty his drains, and inject him. Once you can come to terms with it, it becomes such a small but important part of the caring, but if it’s stressing you out don’t force it.

We have been talking a little about the future but the hospice nurse wasn't very reassuring. Apparently it may be possible to get a Marie Curie nurse for night time care but only for a couple of nights a week - so what happens for the rest of the week? My mother is in a nursing home suffering from dementia and my husband says he could not stand being somewhere like that because the rooms are too hot. There is no hospice nearby - nearest is over 40 miles away.  Turning our home into a hospital ward just doesn't bear thinking about. I have no close family and most of our friends are elderly. It's all a bit overwhelming.

Hi theres a mcmillan helpline its free numbers on the web i beleive they will arrange for an assesment team to come out from the nhs i lost my partner in two days so they were to late but very quick anyway they usualy come from the hospice but in your case i dont know the helps out there but you have to push for it we were lucky hu if thats what you call it in as much as we were in doncaster and there realy good it was another lousy set of drs in another hospital that misdiagnosed my partner they made a program about the hospital what a dump .any thats my rant over so give them a call see what they can do .hope you have some succes regards paul .ps theres allso a marie curie helpline .

Hi I've been looking at some calls i made trying to get help i know number will be different but you can try adult care, or wellbeing hub i think they're in most areas if you can find someone it. might take a while before they can come,. Hope it helps. BILLY