Hi Jube, 

I am so sorry to hear about your Dad. I hope you are coping ok? It must be very hard for you. It sounds like you went through a terrible time. My dad has just been diagnosed 2 months ago, he is a very ill. The consultant thinks it has spread dye to his symptoms and blood tests. Testing on the NHS is very slow, its been 9 weeks and still no biopsy. He is getting much sicker waiting around with no treatment. I feel your frustration with COVID, my dad should have gone to hospital in March, but held off due to COVID now he is a very bad way and now due to COVID wait times are long.

Best wishes 

Oh I know the feeling. 2 years after losing dad I still say sorry to him every night.  He went to GP in pain and not eating and they sent him home with indigestion tablets for a week. I found out and dashed up to see him, got more doctors appts, went on 3 week wait list for ultrasound scan, but he collapsed well before then and I had to call 999.  I then find out a year previous he was discharged from hospital by consultant after diagnosis, to GPs care with hormone therapy only,  no other help, no care, no nurses. This was all pre Covid.  I find it hard to cope with feeling I let him down,  because I didn't realise how bad the system can be here.  It pains me every night.

I hope your dad gets the treatment he needs quickly. Covid has caused so much effect on people like our dads where support is weak or non existent.

ive been off work since loosing dad I thought I was going mad but after seeing (phone)an occupational therapist (work stages when off) she was clear that what we had been through was very traumatic, the hospital admissions under covid as we couldn't go , half information being passed, nobody listening when I rang in and missing relevant facts, he came back worse every time to the point I said he wasn't going back (which I have to live with) 

dad did not get prognosis they said age and other health conditions, only the degarilix , I rang his hospital prostate keyworker asking if it can cause confusion she packed me off to check for infection (it wasn't) now when you read mets on back can cause severe pain following treatment I think it sent him crazy. 
I have a lot of haunting thoughts I have to learn to deal with around the decisions I had to make. But I'm also getting clarity that nhs was not good it was the time covid first occurred and nothing else mattered.

4 months Saturday. Deeply disturbed

Thoughts and hopes your dad is better cared for xx

Daisy w - it's just awful isn't it . 
dad lived 4 months after being told on a ward on his own. Systems are terrible

Yes, it was so bad pre Covid, i also lost my mum the day before her long wait for her appt with the hospital consultant to discuss her test results and working elsewhere I didn't get the chance to see her, that  I constantly think about what people are going through in today's situation with the extra heartache and 'what ifs' it brings.  Replay it all in my head.  I wish I could go back and change it all or at least be more prepared and have known what to do.  I spent hours on the phone, then when in hospital looking for a nurse on his final days to help with the pain, dehydration and his discomfort, with no luck,  when I should have been with him, talking to him. I mean, aren't hospitals meant to have pain relief?  He wanted to be home we wish we had managed to get him back there, so you did the best for your dad.

Work let me take off the time to his funeral, then told me  I couldn't take unpaid leave I had to use my holiday. It didn't do me any good going back so soon as it's so busy trying to organise funerals you don't have time to grieve,  so I think you really need that time off so take whatever you can xxx

My goodness you have been through so much Trauma I'm so sorry about both your mum and Dad.

you are right , pain relief should be the first thing addressed for anybody but certainly whilst sat in a hospital bed. My Dad kept being admitted with infections but each time he came home he was worse than when he went in and I couldn't visit or speak to the same person over the telephone so I totally get what you went through. Our brains have to keep churning through things and my torments currently are the usual what ifs ... if he went I. Could they of made him better to be here longer but I think and certainly going off your experience he was better at home.

nhs focussed on covid so we no chance.

Be strong and know you where fighting for him till the end. 
I asked for pain relief and got it but that started the end really so I feel that I made that decision and it's my fault. But that's our brains but I think now after reading your experience it was good he got it. 
nobody can ever say anything to make it easier we have to learn to deal with it but one things for sure what we did and tried was for complete love of hot Dads. How lucky are we to have had them ️

It's just awful to think that the NHS is not the best place to be when your unwell at at the most need for medical and personal care. I wish for your mind you could of got your dad home but he'd know you tried your best. It's so hard seeing them when they have passed. My dad looked at peace and rested more than he had the weeks before.

it's took a while for me to be able to talk about things but talking and on sites like this make you realise your not alone and not alone in the ways your brain is dealing with things. Have you tried counselling ? Just talking and advice on dealing with your thoughts really really helps, it does not change a thing but it changes the way you cope with it. You have lost both parents in different traumatic ways it's a fair challenge to deal with.

even our conversation has helped me , it's realising we are not alone , and we have both experienced failures In the support our parents received when most needed. 
it's just awful.

Did you just look online for counselling?  It may give those around me a break, as I think this, like many things,  is something you only really understand when you go through it, so it's hard for those around you too. My mind is often elsewhere, concentration sort of gone as thoughts still drift back to everything that has happened at odd times. Less frequently now, so it's going in right direction, but people around expect you to be 'back to normal' so quickly and to just go on as before.

I think that's part of it being so hard, people thinking your ok now. I'm very much aware of people saying how are you doing and just expect a yeh ok how are you. But they really don't want to here well I feel awful , I'm traumatised, I'm sobbing at night and feel terrible during day .... they just don't and that's when people start avoiding. 

I had been off work so got referred to occupational therapy (they do it with everyone) she was a nurse , I told her what happened and how I felt, the thing that first stuck in my mind for me was that she really feels for anybody needing medical help non covid during covid times and that what happened was traumatic. She said counselling which I was sceptical about. She wrote back to my work. 
my gp had given me a number but I believe there's a waiting list but I'm very fortunate work has paid for four sessions. She isn't a specific Grief counsellor (which I think would be better) but what's helping is someone who doesn't know me or what's gone on actually saying No This Is Traumatic. She's explained why my brains doing things and it's normal and how to handle myself when I get haunting thoughts. 
last one I had about two hours later while driving I got an affirmation thought on why id done something and what led me to that decision. I did lift a bit in my head.

I think at the point you are at it's worth a try.